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AIBU?

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Original poster

I want to stick at 1 DC, DH wants another

30 replies

RollingRedHills · 11/08/2019 18:27

We have a 7 month old DD who is wonderful and a handful. Before having DD I had a very challenging and exciting career which I am returning to in January. I love being a mum and DD was very much planned and wanted but I miss my career. It's tough because already I know I'll struggle to be away from her but at the same time want to be back at work - I suppose a lot of working mums feel that to some extent.

Anyway I adore DD and adore being a family but I'm already looking forward to her being a bit older so DH and I can have some independence back. I'm just thinking about going out on an evening and knowing she will be ok, her sleeping through reliably so we aren't permanently knackered, being able to have a conversation with her, being able to do activities etc. I think I'm just better with toddlers and children to be honest rather than little babies, I didn't enjoy parenting the very early stages I found it claustrophobic and frightening.

DH wants to start trying for another DC. Before we got married we said we wanted children but never really said how many we are both only children and did always say if we tried for more than one and it didn't happen we would be fine with that but really wanted at least one.

I don't want more than one I see my friends with two and it's so much work, such a handful for them and I don't think I want to deal with all that. DH is very insistent though. AIBU to stick with one?

OP posts:
PooWillyBumBum · 11/08/2019 18:38

No you’re not BU. It’s you who has to carry it and put your career on hold!

CodenameVillanelle · 11/08/2019 18:41

YANBU
Your DH can't be insistent about this. All the sacrifice is on you - body, career, emotions.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 11/08/2019 18:41

YANBU. I stuck with one for the same reasons as you. DS is now 6 and life is much easier than the baby stage, I don't regret my decision at all.

Celebelly · 11/08/2019 18:43

YANBU. We are sticking with one for various reasons (mainly lifestyle related), but we are both on the same page with that. If we hadn't had been, whoever doesn't want kids has to trump the one who does simply because children should be wanted. Especially, as women, we are the ones who have to sacrifice a hell of a lot, not just career-wise but toll on the body, which doesn't just stop at birth. I don't think DP would ask me to do pregnancy again even if he did want another Grin

Daffodil2018 · 11/08/2019 18:43

YANBU but also 7 months is very early to be thinking about the next one. I have said to my DH that I want a full year back at work before we even begin thinking about number 2. Is there a reason your other half wants to get going again so quickly?

Fuckingawful · 11/08/2019 18:44

Tell him he can push a baby out if he wants one that muchWink

WingingWonder · 11/08/2019 18:44

I have 2
Stick at 1
Second child is amazing etc etc but a handful and from both a time a resource perspective it’s been a significantly bigger shift than I ever expected. And child 1 was high maintenance as a baby, whereas child 2 a dream baby/ yet I still say that...
We have a slightly stretched age gap yet financially still a huge hit with childcare costs- friends in double nursery are basically treading water. Those who someone stayed at home are now struggling to get back in
I know it’s all obvious but I’ve just been surprised as the level of change.
My second child is totally adored, but I think I’d just hold up a different lens to anyone sitting on the fence

user1480880826 · 11/08/2019 18:44

I can totally empathise with you. I really didn’t enjoy the young baby stage and I’m enjoying gradually getting my freedom back.

Sticking to one sounds like a very good idea.

flumposie · 11/08/2019 18:46

Have one child only ( partly due to having to have fertility treatment ) and now she is 9 I am actually relieved I don't have another child. I'm very happy with one and never yearn for more.

RandomMess · 11/08/2019 18:46

You would consider a second if he shares the parental leave and go back when DC2 is 4 months old??

Is he actually doing a fair share of all child and house related duties including the thinking/mental load?

1stmonkey · 11/08/2019 18:48

YANBU at all, can't imagine wanting to entertain the idea of another when the first is still so young. We stuck with one and are very happy with our decision but maybe it's a little soon to be ruling it out completely for you. You have plenty of time, i assume, to make that choice.

PaquitaVariation · 11/08/2019 18:48

YANBU. However, at 7 months I would have said no too. By 2 years I felt very different. Number two was an absolute dream and it honestly didn’t make our lives any more mad or complicated than it already was. I’d wait awhile before deciding for definite.

Original poster
RollingRedHills · 11/08/2019 18:50

@RandomMess he does a lot of the childcare but it still doesn't make me feel more likely to consider another because all the emotional turmoil of pregnancy and birth is on me, I was very shocked at how much life changed when DD was born and it may be totally selfish but I want an easier life, I feel like I'm constantly "on" at the moment and I'm hoping that diminishes as DC get older so why would I want to start all over again.

For those with two do you find it very difficult or do they entertain each other?

OP posts:
AngelaScandal · 11/08/2019 18:51

Mine do not entertain each other . Double up on your contraception OP!

faithinnature1 · 11/08/2019 18:53

We are sticking at one for same reasons, I had a wobble about six months ago when lots of friends started announcing second pregnancies but now so relieved we followed our instincts. Those with two seem to be drowning and our life looks relatively straightforward in comparison. However dh and I in absolute agreement so there's no feeling of regret or disharmony between us. I would insist on longer gap before revisiting the idea, get back to work and then discuss again. Your dh may find he likes the dynamic of family of three. When you are back at work a lot more will (should) fall to him in terms of home/child related work and might realise the juggle of another one on top is too much. It's easy I guess for a man to say let's have another when you are on mat leave and possibly doing most of the work!

RandomMess · 11/08/2019 18:55

I think it is ultimately your choice precisely because it is you that has to go through pregnancy, childbirth and primary parent for the early months.

Everyone is different and having one and "being done" is a very valid choice.

Why is he desperate for another and why so soon?

DorotheaHomeAlone · 11/08/2019 18:58

We have two and are out of the baby bit (3 & 5). They completely entertain each other. We had a small gap and it was hard but it’s got a lot easier very quickly really. 7 months is very early to make a final decision on no more. See how you feel when first dc turns two and it’s all less intense.

BoomBoomsCousin · 11/08/2019 19:00

It’s never unreasonable to say you won’t have another child if you don’t want one. Even if you’d discussed children before and agreed to have many, you can change your mind. It would be unreasonable to falsely lead someone on or agree to it knowing it’s not what you actually want.

AnotherEmma · 11/08/2019 19:03

7 months is way too soon to make the decision.
I have always wanted 2 children but I wasn't ready to start thinking about TTC again until DC1 turned 2.

I suggest that you put the decision on the back burner for about a year, don't worry or talk about it until DC is at least 18 months, and if it's still too soon, revisit the conversation every 6 months or so. Of course, you might change your mind and you might not, and that's fine. Ultimately you obviously have the final say since you would have to go through pregnancy and childbirth.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 11/08/2019 19:11

My younger 2 (6&8) are playing in the garden right now, without the need for any input from me or DH. When we had a newborn & a toddler it was awful, more than twice the work, but since the youngest has been about 3, home life has been lovely. They fight and moan about each other, but they entertain each other far more. They spend all day every day together at school/childcare and they are such good company for each other.

anguauberwaldironfoundersson · 11/08/2019 19:12

YANBU OP

I'm in exactly the same boat as you, 6 month old and returning to a high pressure role in January. However, it was me that always wanted two kids and DH was reluctant although he quickly got on board but was adamant he only wanted one.

We're both nearly 37 and I can honestly say, hand on heart, that I'm one and done. I don't think my body can take another pregnancy and it's currently battered from keeping up with a 6 month old. We figure that with one we can divide and conquer, afford great holidays, not feel pressured to move to a bigger house (2 and a box room), and be able to allow DC to go to all the clubs and activities they choose. DH and I both came from medium sized families and we don't believe having siblings really made a positive or negative impact on our childhoods.

CielBleuEtNuages · 11/08/2019 19:15

I always wanted 2 but DC1 was so hard that I couldn't even consider TTC number 2 until he was 20 months old.

DC1 has remained incredibly difficult. Dc2 is far easier, those of course has his moments.

Amazingly, DS2 dilutes DS1 and we much prefer having 2 to just DC1. They play all the time together. Sometimes they fight. But they've learnt a lot from being brothers.

They're 5 and 8 now and its great. But DC1 is still hard work!

PhillipeFellope · 11/08/2019 20:25

If you'd have asked me when DS was 7 months old if I wanted another I'd have said absolutely fucking not. Now he's heading towards being 3 and I'm considering another.

But you are definitely not being unreasonable. You are the one carrying, birthing, taking the career hit etc. Do what's right for you!

INeedAFlerken · 11/08/2019 20:39

I think it's rather early to be making the decision, but I also think your DH is also completely out of order for insisting on another one and wanting to start now. You have a 7 month old! YOU had a 7 month old. How thoughtful of him to demand you get ready to have another one because he has decided it must be so.

I would calmly suggest he find a surrogate or you look into adoption and tell him he will be taking the 12 month paternity leave this time... bet his tune changes real quick.

Not his career, body and life that has to change completely is it if you're expected to carry the baby load for the family... you have to agree to that and both want it!

AllFourOfThem · 11/08/2019 20:41

YANBU but do you need to make a definite decision now?

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