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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aunt is not nanny

34 replies

cadpig22 · 11/08/2019 09:28

So name change as people involved definitely read the daily fail.

So my dad ran off with my aunt (my mum's brothers wife) and are now married.

My nanny died last year. She basically helped raised me especially when my parents were going through the very very messy divorce.

My dad has been trying to bully me into my kids calling my aunt as nanny or nana.

My nanny hated this woman (and my dad) for breaking up both her kids marriages, and all their awful behaviour towards me, my sister and two cousins. I have pointed out that that my mum is nanny, that any granny names are for my husband's side (as it is sentimental to them) so I even tried to come up with something different for her.

Nope they tried pushing it. I'm pissed off as this is the name of someone who means the world to me. But that is exactly why they want that name for her.

Bit lost in what to do. I've only just started talking to my dad again over this for him to send a big box of presents to my daughter all with Grandad and nana "aunt" on everything.

I'm sorry. I know it sounds silly over a name but it is clear that my feelings don't matter to them and if I am going to honour my nanny in anyway, it is making sure only my mum has this special name. Also if I can't trust him on such a small issue, which I have tried to find an alternative again and again to their liking, how can I trust them with my kids.

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 11/08/2019 09:31

How much of your dad do you see? Do you like him? Or her?

Auntisnotananny · 11/08/2019 09:40

Used to video chat once a week as I live far away.

My sister doesn't talk to him, one of my cousins live across the globe and the other cousin is disabled mentally so I have tried to keep in contact despite the emotional abuse.

Husband hates him, as do all my friends. So have all my therapists 😅

diddlesticks · 11/08/2019 09:41

Check your name change!

picklemepopcorn · 11/08/2019 09:44

Remind us why you want a relationship with him?

PepsiLola · 11/08/2019 09:52

There would not be a relationship with my dad if this had happened.... and that would solve the problem

Auntisnotananny · 11/08/2019 09:52

Because I feel sorry for him. Because I have been used to trying to please him or he face abuse. Because I am weak and want to try to please everyone.

banivani · 11/08/2019 09:54

You’ve had a name change fail from your OP, OP.

lololove · 11/08/2019 09:58

He doesn't sound like someone who you want around yourself and especially not your child.

Your words are very telling. If you can't trust him with something so "small" (but so huge emotionally) how can you ever trust him with something so precious as your children?

If possible I'd return the gifts if they haven't been opened and cut them out. They sound horrific even when being generous and not taking into account oint the damage they've done to you and your family

CalmdownJanet · 11/08/2019 09:58

Call him or text him "Dad the gifts are lovely thank you, I need to say this though, it's Mary, your wife's name is Mary or it's Grandad & Mary, not Nana, granny or any other variation, just her first name Mary."

It's sort of simple really, he'll probably have something to say and you say "Dad, it is what is it, she is not my kids grandmother, it's not up for discussion", like when he was shagging your uncles wife and breaking up families he wasn't thinking of you and walking on egg shells so you don't be afraid to stand up to him, he made Marys bed and he can lay in it

Chamomileteaplease · 11/08/2019 10:01

OP longterm it really sounds like you need more counselling to give you the strength to get away from this man. To outsiders it doesn't make sense that you would keep in touch with someone your mum, nanny and husband hate or hated and with good reason.

You do not need to be the one to keep in touch with this man.
You are allowed to never contact him ever again.

This issue is a gift to you which shows that he has not changed and will never change. You know it yourself. He has no respect or care for your feelings.

Garner the inner strength from your beloved nanny and tell him you no longer wish to keep in touch. Remember what she thought of him.

Remind yourself that it is not up to you to be the people pleaser. And if you must people please then please your nanny, mum and husband, not this horrible excuse of a father!

ThinkWittyThoughts · 11/08/2019 10:03

OP (whichever name you're using)

It is against the laws of science and nature to please all people. You are no exception.

Stop.

You are the parent here. What YOU want has priority. As far as your children go, you out rank him.

So Nanny / Nana isn't an option. You're not discussing this. It isn't a negotiation.

If they keep pushing, seriously consider cutting them off completely. You can still feel sorry for him not sure why without having direct contact with him.

Incidentally, it is possible to rip off labels from presents before kids see them... also possible to Chuck them in a bin bag before seen. Just saying.

Singlenotsingle · 11/08/2019 10:03

It's emotional blackmail. He's trying to guilt trip you into accepting this woman by giving her a name she doesn't deserve. Why don't you all just call her by her name, Beryl, Susan or whatever it is?

Blondebakingmumma · 11/08/2019 10:04

I too am wondering why you are in contact

Dippypippy1980 · 11/08/2019 10:06

Your dad is an arse. So is his wife (if I have picked this up, she was only your aunt by marriage, the only thing that would keep her as aunt is an emotional bond, that has clearly gone so she’s not your aunt anymore).

This is something you can totally control. First issue do you want a relationship with your dad? If so, email him, explain this is a red line for you and he needs to respect your wishes. He and your aunt can’t be in your life if don’t respect you.

If you are done with him, just cut all ties now.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 11/08/2019 10:08

Practise saying "No Dad your wife is 'aunt', not nanny" and keep saying it.

Unwrap childrens' presents; give contents to children: "These are from grandad and 'aunt'." Or, if you want to make a real point, return presents to him.

It's not really surprising he wants his wife to be on an equal footing with him, but hes clearly not a sensitive bloke is he! Really, is this a relationship you want to maintain? You say youve only just started speaking to him again - what's stopping you from stopping him again?

Why a weekly video chat? I like my mum and I don't speak to her that often Grin. You're a long way apart, so it should be relatively easy to maintain boundaries.

Oranginna · 11/08/2019 10:10

Good advice here from all posters. If I were you I would say exactly what CalmdownJanet suggests.

lololove · 11/08/2019 10:18

It's not a far step from putting pressure on you to call "aunt" mum. Would never ever happen and neither should this.

If he cared about his daughters feelings he wouldn't push it when she has valid reasons to not want to it. (ignoring the other side of breaking up two families in the first place). In this case why should you care about their feelings? It works both ways.

siriusblackthemischieviouscat · 11/08/2019 10:19

Ignoring the fact that the name nanny is precious to you, you have a right to decide what familial names your children call special people.

My dc call some of my cousins 'Aunty' because we are close and we want that special title (their children also call me Aunty).

My dm wants my children to call her DH a special name but I don't. It's not as important to me this quite rightly is to you and so I've not pushed back too much and just kind of avoid it.

If I was in your situation I would have to lay it out clearly. This woman is not your mum and certainly not your children's grandmother so why should she be titled as such?

Auntisnotananny · 11/08/2019 10:21

Thanks all. I feel like I'm over reacting sometimes with things. Especially when it is my kids but it is one of those times that I know he's for sure he is gaslightimg me on "promising to call her nanny or nana" when I know for a fact that I men get agreed or would to it.

I think I will have to cut contract again. Maybe I'll somehow find the right words.

I still have to see her kids, my cousins when I visit my mums side of the family and talk to his mum my nan so just have to work out what to say if people try to bring it up. My cousin didn't visit me when we were in the same country for once because I wasn't talking to my dad and aunt and he was staying with them. I think my nan stopped talking to me too.

My family drama is why I love so far away.

To those saying once a week is a lot. He used to want to talk twice a week when I was at uni...

H2OH20Everywhere · 11/08/2019 10:28

He obviously has no respect for you or your family, so why should you put up with him? And why feel sorry for him, it's his own fault. If he wanted a relationship with you he'd have asked for your forgiveness and be bending over backwards to do as you want, especially wrt to the name of your aunt.

He can't abuse you if you're not in touch with him. Don't answer the calls, and return all gifts etc from him.

Good luck!

LL83 · 11/08/2019 10:31

Yanbu. He is very lucky you are in contact and has no right to expect anything of you.

I would correct him every time and stop contact with him if he cant respect your wishes. Have they no shame!!!

As PP said they didnt consider your feeling when breaking up families. Being known as name rather than nanny is the very least they can do. I wouldn't even call her aunt. It's like they are trying to erase the past and pretend these are grandchildren to both of them.

diddl · 11/08/2019 10:32

It's hard to fathom at all why you bother with him.

Try to stop being a people pleaser & do what's best for you which I would hope is keeping yourself & kids away from this pair of bullies.

merrymouse · 11/08/2019 10:33

Your father can't win on this issue and needs to please you.

It will always be perfectly obvious to your children that your aunt isn't their nanny, and he will only make that more obvious by trying to force the issue. If you only refer to her as Mary they will think of her as Mary.

You can't create a relationship by putting a label on a present.

MrsBertBibby · 11/08/2019 10:43

You do not have to have these people in your life. I know you feel you do, but you really don't. What earthly good is he, or his wife, or her children to you?

TatianaLarina · 11/08/2019 10:57

Be firm with your dad: it’s either aunt or her first name. Not nanny ever.

If he doesn’t like it he can go fish. He’s not a very nice person.