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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask 19 year old DD what time she expects to be home

39 replies

HildegardCrowe · 10/08/2019 22:27

She's home from uni for the summer. I don't mind at all what time it is but she's turned up significantly the worse for wear recently and I just want to know she's safe.

OP posts:
mrsed1987 · 10/08/2019 22:29

Not at all. I lived at home until i was 27 and even then if i was going to be out past 11pm i let my mum know as she is a worrier and wouldnt be able to sleep! I just think its common courtesy really

Dieu · 10/08/2019 22:29

Absolutely fine, OP. My parenting style is laidback, but I would still ask the same question of my 18 year old girl. You're still the parent Smile

maxbabi · 10/08/2019 22:32

Ask but I find I don't always get an answer or they change plans!!!
I'm now not enquiring. It's being woken at ridiculous o'clock that pisses me off.

Chouetted · 10/08/2019 22:34

Not at all, but you'll need to accept it if the answer is "I'm not sure".

In her shoes I probably wouldn't want to give an exact time in case changing my plans and going for a takeaway before coming home caused major panic.

browzingss · 10/08/2019 22:37

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to ask - but obviously at that age plans change/ you go with the flow with your mates, so I wouldn’t necessarily hold her to that exact time. I don’t think many young adults going clubbing etc have a set time in their head of when they plan to get home, I didn’t.

Original poster
HildegardCrowe · 10/08/2019 22:40

I wouldn't expect a set time, just to know if she's going clubbing or staying at a mate's. Thank you all for reassuring me that I'm not breathing down her neck!

OP posts:
thecatinthetwat · 10/08/2019 22:42

Yabu. She’s an adult, she’s at uni, you have to let her be.

By all means ask if you really can’t help yourself, but you risk annoying her by your interference.

If you’re genuinely worried, I would recommend talking to her about her life, non-judgementally and find out if all is ok etc. Check in, chat and be someone she wants to confide in.

browzingss · 10/08/2019 22:43

Maybe just ask her to text you instead whilst she’s out if her plans change, that you’re happy to give her a lift (?) or arrange a taxi to make sure she gets home safe.

browzingss · 10/08/2019 22:46

Yeah, sometimes when I went out at uni I would get in ranging anywhere from 10pm (ie coming straight back!) or not get in until 6am! You just can’t really predict these things when you’re in the moment/alcohol etc is involved.

wombatron · 10/08/2019 22:49

Lived with my parents waaaaay into my 20's, called at 2am to say I was drunk and staying with friends as didn't want to get a taxi home alone. I was told to always call if that was the case- always did!

Original poster
HildegardCrowe · 10/08/2019 22:56

Yes wombatrom that's all I'm asking!

OP posts:
WhyBirdStop · 10/08/2019 23:01

My parents would just ask if I was coming home or not, because the front door had a double lock they'd use of no one needed to get in after they'd gone to bed. It used to just come up in conversation anyway, eg I'm going to x at the weekend, or I'm off out now I'll be back tomorrow/late/in a couple of hours etc

thecatinthetwat · 10/08/2019 23:02

Ultimately op, it’s really up to your daughter to decide if Yabu.

Watchingthyme · 10/08/2019 23:04

Who knows where they will end up.
Party -think I’ll be home by 12 - someone says come to a club- someone else sets come to a house party.

If she says something to you. Invariably it won’t be what happens. So I just wouldn’t bother.

And why do you want to know, genuine question, because I’m sure you don’t want to know when she’s at uni... so what makes the difference at home??

JellyfishAndShells · 10/08/2019 23:15

When my DDs were home from uni, and then living at home for awhile after, I asked for a simple ‘not back tonight ‘ text or similar so that I wasn’t half dozing/ listening for the front door opening and failing to quite lock shut after (weird heavy door, difficult to shut quietly )

username678889 · 10/08/2019 23:16

Yabu , as a daughter at uni I say have you got keys and phone , great that's all . Some people need to remember being that age .

notso · 10/08/2019 23:19

I expect DD to tell me if she's going back to someone else's so I don't see an empty bed in the morning and panic.

damekindness · 10/08/2019 23:28

The rules for those I gave birth to

When you're.not living in my house I don't get to worry about you lying dead in a ditch or {insert implausible disaster here} but when you are (whether permanently or temporarily) I get to worry about you and you owe me a text to keep my overactive imagination dampened down

Elisheva · 10/08/2019 23:34

When I was at university I shared a flat with a friend. If we were going out we’d let the other one know where we were going and with who. If we weren’t coming home we’d send a ‘not coming home’ text.
It’s not about being controlling, or being ‘old enough’, it’s about caring for those close to you and looking out for each other.

NoSauce · 10/08/2019 23:35

When she’s at uni you don’t know what time she gets in or where she is so it’s not really any different now she’s at home.

Original poster
HildegardCrowe · 11/08/2019 00:02

Actually it is different NoSauce - damekindness explains it perfectly Smile

OP posts:
Karwomannghia · 11/08/2019 00:05

I don’t think I’d need to know, but it’s up to you really.

thecatinthetwat · 11/08/2019 00:09

you owe me a text to keep my overactive imagination dampened down

No. You need to sort your own shit out and stop putting it on other people, who you feel you can manipulate because they live in your house.

HerRoyalNotness · 11/08/2019 00:10

I’m with @Elisheva it’s called consideration for your housemates/family

thecatinthetwat · 11/08/2019 00:11

I don’t think I’d need to know, but it’s up to you really.

No it’s not. It’s between both of them. You don’t get to dictate what other people do.