AIBU to ask 19 year old DD what time she expects to be home

[HildegardCrowe]

She's home from uni for the summer. I don't mind at all what time it is but she's turned up significantly the worse for wear recently and I just want to know she's safe.

I needed to know and as far as I was concerned it was a courtesy.

They never objected.

Wow, couldn't imagine being out and not telling someone whether I'm expected home or not.

Maybe I'm just a worry worzel but if I was so much as a few hours late and no one has heard from me, family/friend would always see if I'm okay... and I've been an adult for a while!

Infact when I went travelling we were expected to leave contact details with Hostel manager when he organized trips. When the minibus broke down we were 3 hours late, Hostel manager was standing outside hostel when we arrived... he'd phoned the trip people to find out where we were and when we got back he said how worried he was that no one had contacted him - perfect stranger checking on our safety.

My 19 year old lives at home still, for the next couple of months anyway. She usually sends me a message just to let me know if she's staying out or going out after work so will be back at stupid o'clock. Obviously she can do as she pleases but I appreciate her letting me know generally where she is just in case.

Perfectly reasonable to expect to be told what time they’ll be home. Perfectly reasonable to expect consideration and the courtesy of a text if plans change.

thecatinthetwat I meant you as in you plural

thecatinthetwat you are being unnecessarily harsh. I'm interested to see that the majority of you view it as a common courtesy to send a quick text if plans change. There is a huge difference between them being

Sorry posted too soon...being away and back at home. DD seems happy to let me know if her plans change and if she doesn't I do worry because I know she's very drunk. We're very close and talk about everything so a convesation can be had the next day.

I lived in houseshares with friends and we still a) let the others know whether or not we'd be home for dinner b) let them know if we were having friends to stay if they were staying in our room and asked permission if they were staying on one of the sofa beds downstairs and c) let the others know if we were going to be late home.

Because we were functioning as a household (shared food, shared cooking) and because we cared about the others so wanted to know they were safe. And the above was just being courteous in those instances. So not unreasonable to apply them to anyone living in your house really, I don't think.

I used to ask DS where he was starting his evening off and to come say goodbye so I'd see whst he was wearing. He thought I was batshit, but I always said that if he didn't come home/went missing, I'd at least know this information to tell the police. He's 27 and still takes the piss out of me for it 😁

My 21 yo is home for the summer. We chat about where he is going and who with and I ask him to send a text if he has said he is coming home and then doesn’t.
But I do love a drunk text at 2 in the morning 😂 I think he can be hilarious. And he would normally roll in about 5 or 6 anyway so we would be starting the day.

The thing I can’t get him to do is to put his head in the living room and say hello or goodbye instead of just walking down the stairs and out or letting himself in and straight upstairs.

I expect a text to let me know if plans change from my 19 yo. Just like if DH changed his plans and was getting home later/didn't need a meal. Clearly DS makes his own decisions about when he goes out and comes home, and doesn't need to ask permission, but it is just a common courtesy to let us know if he is going to
be late.

I don’t get why this is so difficult for so many people! If you are living in a family style set up with anyone then it is simple courtesy to let them know whether or not you will be at home. You are not seeking permission or adapting your plans, you are just sharing information so that others can plan around you. The details that you choose share with people who you are not living with will inevitably be different!

There is no reason why there should be a different rule for young adults (around 17 to 25) who are still living with parents (either full or part time) than you would expect in pretty much any other scenario!

my 22yo. lets me know if he is going to be "pub late" ie midnight 1 ish or "club late" 4am ish or staying out and he will always text if plans change and he stays out when hes expected home. i dont normally hear the text but i can check my phone if i wake and hes not here. i also have the numbers of several of his friends so i can call them in an emergency (i have never had to do this thankfully!! though he has text me from one of them when he lost his phone a few years ago...)

its just common courtesy.

My dd is about to become 19. I will always ask if she intends to eat with us or elsewhere and if she intends to come home or stay at her boyfriends. If she’s coming home I’ll ask if she knows what time. If she doesn’t know she tends to send a message when she does have more idea. I’m not trying to interrupt her plans but I do like to know if I’m including her in our meals and might adjust the time it’s ready if she’s back at a sensible time and I like to have an idea of her plans so I know if anything seems to be wrong.