Would you go through your OH phone if you were suspicious about something?

[Jmcd2020]

Interested in views and what you would do if you found something untoward ie nasty comments about you or inappropriate photos?

If any relationship gets to the point where one party is going through the others phone looking for incriminating evidence, the relationships already a goner anyway. Either a) one party is controlling and highly insecure or b) one party is controlling and insecure AND the other party is a dick / cheat.

Yep. I have done, was right of course. Would do it again as well. I wouldn't look without reason, but it's incredibly frustrating to be in a position where you know and your partner knows you know but plays the card of denying completely.
I know there's no reason not to leave without checking, but there was a tiny bit of me that thought I might be crazy.

@Lockheart you said it perfectly

What I would do? When I was younger, would've put up with it/excused it/tried to work through it. Now I'm older - fuck that. Fuck him. Fuck being spoken to with zero love or respect of even just basic decency. He would obviously not give one shit let alone two shits about me, so I wouldn't entertain a single moment more with someone who so obviously hated me.

Absolutely, have done it myself after a gut feeling that something wasn't right and I was being lied to, just needed to see the evidence for myself and to confront cheating scumbag ex. No regrets here. Now in a wonderfully loving relationship and have never felt the need to snoop so haven't.

Yup

b) one party is controlling and insecure AND the other party is a dick / cheat.

Really? If you had strong reasons for suspicion, but weren’t 100% certain? Doesn’t sound controlling and insecure if it turns out you’re correct. Sounds like wanting to know the truth so you can act appropriately.

Yes, OP, if I had a genuine reason for suspicion, I would look, and I’m generally very trusting and not remotely jealous.

@AnyOldPrion yes. If you have strong reasons for suspicion then the healthy response is to talk to your partner or leave, not start monitoring them.

People will say "But I wouldn't have gone through their phone if they didn't act so suspiciously" which to my mind sounds an awful lot like the manipulative behaviour so often exhibited by abusive partners. "I wouldn't have done X if you'd just done Y / you drove me to do it" etc.

Going through your partners phone looking for evidence is not and will never be a healthy response.

This isn't coming from a place of judgement; I have exhibited abusive behaviours in the past when I was struggling with my mental health. Yes I wasn't well and it was coming from a place of emotional pain and fear, but it didn't make my behaviour any more excusable. And neither does being worried and insecure about your partners fidelity or behaviour.

Yes, I would. But only if I was genuinely suspicious.

My DH and I know each other’s passcodes etc and don’t get worried about phones being left unlocked. If that changed I’d definitely be suspicious and have a look.

I’ve never had the need to in 14 years.

@Lockheart

Yeah - cos so many people just own up to infidelity when you ask them.

I would - although I would be gutted that I felt I needed to. As it is I often look at DH's phone to see the latest crap his sister has sent!

You don't even need that person to own up or have proof.
The moment one partner has such a strong feelings of distrust that they feel like they have to go and snoop, is the moment the relationship ended imho.

@AnyOldPrion yes. If you have strong reasons for suspicion then the healthy response is to talk to your partner or leave, not start monitoring them

Who said anything about monitoring? The OP mentions inappropriate photos or nasty comments. Sounds like a valid reason to look once. If you look once and find nothing, then so be it. If you find you’re correct and what believed you saw was accurate, then you know what to do.

I don’t believe I have ever exhibited abusive behaviours, though I’ve been on the receiving end. I think looking once, when you have reasonable suspicion is normal. An if your partner is an abusive liar, then talking to them is a pointless exercise.

@Merryoldgoat of course, but if you can't believe what your partner says then you shouldn't be with them. You have to be able to trust your partner. If you can't then you need to break it off.

@AnyOldPrion checking their phone IS monitoring.

If you look once, irrespective of what you find, then you don't trust your partner. A relationship without trust cannot survive in the long term.

I certainly would, and I suspect that the people who say they wouldn't are lying.

I might be wrong, but I don't think so.

Marriage is a long hard slog and I don't think that it's fatally defective if one checks up on the other at the occasional low ebbs along the way.

Could confronting them about going through their phone backfire on you instead though? I’m unsure what to do, whether to say something or just see if word gets out another way.

Yes I would. If I found something incriminating, the phone would probably be bounced off his head or rammed down his throat after I'd screenshot the evidence obvs

What have you found OP?

I think if I found something that's still less of a misdemeanour than the cheating or whatever you've uncovered. My OH couldn't exactly claim the high moral ground, could they?! 🤷🏼‍♀️

I found some really nasty messages from his family where my OH hadn’t defended me and was saying one thing to me and then joining in with them. It’s been causing issues and I’ve been made to feel like I was going mad. When I read the messages what I thought was confirmed.

If you have genuine reason for being suspicious I would. Obviously it's best to talk to your OH first. But it's highly unlikely they will own up to infidelity.
It's easy for someone to say the relationship is already doomed if you can't trust them. But imagine it like this you have been married 20 years , have a wonderful family and life built together. All of a sudden your OH changes, starts to be secretive, going out in the evenings when they never use to. You try talking many times they are just dismissive. You would surely need to know for definite before you gave up such a once happy family dynamic and life.

I'd have to confront about this OP. If you don't it will fester and cause massive resentment. Try and cool off a bit and have a conversation with him where you can be calm

If you look once, irrespective of what you find, then you don't trust your partner. A relationship without trust cannot survive in the long term.

I’ll quote AsTheWorldTurns:

Marriage is a long hard slog and I don't think that it's fatally defective if one checks up on the other at the occasional low ebbs along the way.

I absolutely agree. A lifetime is a very long time. If I have a sudden, unexpected suspicion with good reason, and I check and find it’s nothing, then no harm done. If you know you would check, then still not believe the evidence you found, then fine. Don’t check. But calling one check of a phone in a long term relationship “monitoring” sounds over the top.

Don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t stay in a relationship where I was constantly suspicious. And if I felt the urge to check often, that would be a sign the relationship was in trouble. But a one off check is not a problem for me. If it is for you, because of your history, then fine.

I started going through my bf phone occasionally but only when he's texting my mum because I know he's planning something and I hate surprises.