Page 2 | Would you go through your OH phone if you were suspicious about something?

Jmcd2020 · 2019-08-10T17:26:58+00:00

Interested in views and what you would do if you found something untoward ie nasty comments about you or inappropriate photos?

beccarocksbaby · 10/08/2019 19:23

Yes. I have, I was right to. I wasn't in any way controlling or mental just some very obvious signs of something in our relationship being very wrong and having no idea what it was.

He was having an emotional affair.

We rebuilt our marriage with a lot of work and a huge amount of change on his part. It doesn't mean it's over, it means something is very wrong.

AnyOldPrion · 10/08/2019 19:23

What are you going to do with the info, Jmcd? That’s very sad. Have you discussed it with him? Sounds like a dealbreaker to me.

AsTheWorldTurns · 10/08/2019 19:27

I found some really nasty messages from his family where my OH hadn’t defended me and was saying one thing to me and then joining in with them. It’s been causing issues and I’ve been made to feel like I was going mad. When I read the messages what I thought was confirmed.

So sorry, OP. Do you want to explain more about it?

Depending on the nature of it, I'd agree it might be a dealbreaker.

Biancadelrioisback · 10/08/2019 19:33

I'd like to think no. However my BF recently found out about her husband's infidelity through checking his phone. He said he was relieved that she found out as it made it easier for him to leave her, which has left her with so much anger and pain. How long would he have let this go on if she hadn't found the messages? They were TTC and had recently bought a house.
She knew he was having an affair. She knew in her gut and in her heart. But she asked him as many times and he always denied it, told her she was crazy, so in the end she acted crazy and checked and was right.
I can't imagine getting to that point but clearly it happens!

T0getherindreams · 10/08/2019 19:33

But it's a completely pointless exercise. Anything can be hidden on a phone. Unless the person is a technological idiot, you absolutely will not be able to find anything "incriminating" on a phone.

There are literally thousands of apps designed to hide information, calls, texts, pictures, there's a whole industry around this stuff.

If you do find anything, you're either in a relationship with an idiot, or they wanted you to find it.

NoCauseRebel · 10/08/2019 19:36

Well, they say you shouldn’t look if you’re not prepared for what you might find.

I’ve been on the other side of this, and it definitely was manipulation on my ex’s part. On MN a woman is told that her gut is never wrong, but actually, if your gut tells you to check your partner’s phone and you don’t find anything the trust isn’t going to magically come back is it? So where do you go from there? Private investigator? They Do exist for the purposes of checking up on partners, and what then? At what point do you admit to yourself that you were wrong and stop checking?

In the OP’s case she has found out that her partner has been bad-mouthing her to his family. In what way though? Haven’t we all confided in a friend or family member when partners irritate us sometimes?

Fact is, if the DH has been genuinely nasty about her then it’s clear there is no respect. But if he’s purely talked about something about her which has got on his nerves then he has the right to do that just as the OP has the right to talk about her partner to a friend or indeed on here.

Original poster

Jmcd2020 · 10/08/2019 19:58

It’s a completely nasty message that I can’t say on here for fear of being outed. But it wasn’t a moan or groan, that kinda thing wouldn’t bother me as I say plenty about my oh to friends but nothing I wouldn’t not say to his face. Really don’t know what to do. The nasty message was from his family member and dh just replied “not funny” along with a barrage of other pretty horrible messages.

OP posts:

BarbedBloom · 10/08/2019 20:05

Yes I would, but we quite often use each others phone anyway. I would leave if I found something. I was cheated on before and gave him a second chance only for him to cheat again. I have zero tolerance now whether it is a kiss or more

MrsPworkingmummy · 10/08/2019 20:08

Yes, I would. DH and I aren't precious about our phones though and use them interchangeably for Internet access etc

AsTheWorldTurns · 10/08/2019 20:13

But it's a completely pointless exercise. Anything can be hidden on a phone. Unless the person is a technological idiot, you absolutely will not be able to find anything "incriminating" on a phone.

Really? I expect a considerable number of philanderers are caught out by their phone.

Original poster

Jmcd2020 · 10/08/2019 20:25

I’ve never felt so divided. I don’t want to my marriage to end but I feel it will lead to so much resentment if I don’t address it. I guess my marriage is doomed either way through lack of trust now.

OP posts:

Motoko · 10/08/2019 20:58

She knew he was having an affair. She knew in her gut and in her heart. But she asked him as many times and he always denied it, told her she was crazy, so in the end she acted crazy and checked and was right.

And this is why people snoop, because they want the truth, but they know their partner won't give them the truth. Even if confronted with evidence, they will say that it was only once, it was a mistake, it didn't mean anything, etc, etc, to try to minimise the damage. They may be able to talk their partner out of leaving, and all the hassle it will cause, if they can get her to believe it was a one off. They want their cake, and eat it.

Siameasy · 10/08/2019 21:11

I don’t think your marriage needs to end. I would go for the salami tactics approach. One slice at a time. Speak to him about how you feel and take it from there

Original poster

Jmcd2020 · 10/08/2019 21:48

I’ve tried talking to him so many times about what’s going on and why I can’t shake the feeling that something is far wrong. He shrugs and says stop being neurotic and why do you even care. Makes me question my sanity. I had a strong gut feeling there was more to it and the texts confirmed that.

OP posts:

Andahelterskelterroundmylittle · 10/08/2019 21:52

Oh yes. It would be a pretty unusual event rather than a common practice, but I'm nobody's fool

thecatinthetwat · 10/08/2019 21:59

Op I think the worst thing about all this is that you are doubting your sanity. You can’t live like that.

Any alternative is better than that. You’ll have to confront him now you know. I don’t think you’d be able to sit on it, even if you wanted to.

Divebar · 10/08/2019 22:05

The problem with these threads is only the people who have snooped and found something ever come forward. Those women who go through partners phones and then find nothing don’t ever admit it. Every controlling man who ever checked up on a woman or recorded the mileage on a car would also say they were acting on instinct too. Somehow that way round is considered unacceptable but women doing it is fine. I don’t like the double standard

beccarocksbaby · 10/08/2019 22:41

But it's a completely pointless exercise. Anything can be hidden on a phone. Unless the person is a technological idiot, you absolutely will not be able to find anything "incriminating" on a phone. *

Really? I expect a considerable number of philanderers are caught out by their phone.*

My husband works in cyber security. I still caught him out through his phone. They get sloppy quickly.

kidsdoingmyheadin · 10/08/2019 22:55

i’ve been with dh nearly 20 yrs (met at uni) & now have dc. Never once given me reason to think he’s cheated or cheating but I have occasionally looked on his phone in the decades i’ve known him. Not specifically looking for anything suspicious but more out of nosiness

Saracen · 10/08/2019 23:00

I don't know. I really don't know. I haven't been in that position so it's hard to say what I would do. It's a very hard question.

The trouble is, if I snooped and found nothing I would feel guilty. Or maybe I would still be suspicious and think he was good at hiding his messages, so I'd be no better off.

The other trouble is, if my partner snooped at my messages I would be really angry. It's a huge invasion of privacy. Since I feel that way, surely it would be wrong of me to snoop under any circumstances?

But I think maybe I would look at his messages if I had already decided he was a horrible person (based on other behaviours besides whatever suspicion I had) and I was just putting my mind at ease by proving to myself exactly what a lying bastard he was.

Fizzpopwhizzbang · 11/08/2019 00:14

I would. But I wouldn't do it secretly. I'd ask them to give me their phone right then and there, and say "I think you're cheating on me, so show me your phone". I'd make my decision based off their reaction.

AnybodyWantAChip · 11/08/2019 00:29

You don't stay married for a lifetime without having a few wobbles. If you need to look then you should. If your marriage is good then you'll find nothing and be reassured. I for one don't buy this notion that one look at your partner's phone means your relationship is over. Married over 20 years and I am certain we've both had our moments and needed to check on each other. We all feel insecure occasionally.

jacks11 · 11/08/2019 00:42

No, I wouldn't because I have been the one snooped on by a partner and I HATED it. I think if you've to the stage where there is so little trust that you feel the need to do this, then you need to seriously look at your relationship and not their phone. Beside which, if you find nothing will that settle the suspicions? Unlikely if you have so little trust and cannot talk to your partner about your worries.

My ex-partner go through my phone, tried to get into email account (including work account which has confidential emails in) because he was convinced I was having an affair. I wasn't. Obviously, he found nothing as there was nothing to find. But it didn't resolve his suspicions so he kept on searching. I found out as I caught him trying to access emails. I was furious and hurt. I also felt my privacy was completely and utterly violated. I ended the relationship as not only was it clear he didn't trust me, I no longer trusted him. And without trust then you have no foundation for a relationship- so what's the point? I just couldn't forgive him for betraying my trust and breeching my privacy. So you also run the risk of damaging (or ending) your relationship if your suspicions prove to be unfounded.

A friend's partner checked their phone and found out a message sent to me after they'd had a fight (along the lines of "x has really upset me- can I come round? He's such a prat") and he went ballistic because a) she had the audacity to talk to me about him and b) he didn't like reading negative things about himself. I think, if you look at things you aren't meant to then you can't complain if you read something you don't like.

I honestly think if you have got to the point that you are so suspicious of your partner that you have to snoop on them, your relationship is in serious trouble anyway- either because they are up to no good or because there is no trust between you. If you have suspicions then speak to your partner. If you don't think there is any point as you think they will simply deny it (i.e. you do not believe they will tell you the truth), then you should end the relatonship IMHO.

YouJustDoYou · 11/08/2019 07:46

You don't stay married for a lifetime without having a few wobbles. If you need to look then you should. If your marriage is good then you'll find nothing and be reassured. I for one don't buy this notion that one look at your partner's phone means your relationship is over. Married over 20 years and I am certain we've both had our moments and needed to check on each other. We all feel insecure occasionally

I think this is wisely said.