Should my husband let this go, or pull his ex up about it

[stickystickysticks]

Background is stepson is 9- DH and ex split when he was 1. They have 50/50 care.

Ex has never taken him on holiday (until last year) and always waited for us to book our holiday before going abroad with her boyfriend. (We've always taken stepson with us)
So after this had kept happening she hadn't told SS she was going abroad when he was away with us and DH told her he wasn't going to lie to him and that if she feels guilty about telling him then maybe she should think why.
Anyway- after this, she took him away for the first time last year. All good.

We've been away this week and I was walking next to stepson and we were talking about holiday places we've been. He asked had I been to Eqypt and I said no. He said he had. He hasn't.

I told him I don't think he's been to Egypt and he said no he has, it was really hot, the pyramids were amazing and he isn't in the photos as he took them of his mum and her boyfriend!
I left it but mentioned it to DH who was seething and now wants speak to his ex and tell her that he shouldn't be telling his son he's been places he hasn't and that he should be honest with him about going on holiday without him.

My Aibu is- I've told him to just leave it, is it really worth it? But he's adamant. So, should he speak to her about it?

I think he should, I think that's a really awful thing to do. Plus it's not sending a good message to SS about telling lies.

He's going get it all so mixed up inside his little head bless him.

If that were my stepkids I'd be livid.

So your saying his mum has told him he went to Egypt with her and her boyfriend but he hasn't? Because she's feeling guilty that she never takes him on holiday?

If your sure he wasn't in Egypt then yes I think she should be pulled up on that her son doesn't deserve to be lied to! That's out of order!

Bit confused OP, are you saying your SS has been on holiday with his mother, but your DH doesn't know? Or is your SS making up a story about going on holiday with his mother?

Oh my goodness, that’s disturbing.

Are you certain she hasn't been with him?

I wouldn't speak to ex whilst he's furious- as at 9 I wouldn't be surprised if he's made this up by himself, which would be very sad if that's how he's imagining being part of the holiday I'd just be wary of accusing her of putting ideas in his head without asking what the story is first.

That’s quite sad. Does the boy think he was very young when he was there?

What a strange mother. Her tactics are going to back fire on her one day, doubt that's all she lies to him about. Poor child.

So I thought at first he was mistaken. Until he said- 'I'm not in the photos cos I was taking them'

So I assume he seen her photos and instead of saying he wasn't there- lied.

He's 100% not been.

That’s weird.

Why would a9 year make it up? Surely he would remember seeing pyramids and the heat.

Where did they holiday last year?

Are u sure it's not a sad little boy who's made a story up in his head to cover up him own hurt?

I'd just be cautious before going in guns blazing! But obv it needs to be addressed

Well I'd definitely talk to her about it because she either has not not lie to him (very odd behaviour if that's the case) and tell him the truth, or very gently set him straight if he's made this up as a way of not being left out.

@Loveislandaddict
Sorry should have been clearer- it was years ago, he's saying he went when he was younger

I never thought he could have made it up to make him feel better- that breaks my heart!
I'll mention that to DH so he doesn't go in guns blazing

My ex was convinced his dm took him to Paris.
He was somewhat mortified when we got old pics out and it was Blackpool....
Call her out on it.

Nasty bloody cow!
Her not you obviously!

this kind of insecurity is not uncommon. A dc I looked after (as cm) use to tell us all sorts of things she did with her dm (who she didn't live with). Its like creating a world that they are the centre of as they should be in ordinary circumstances. Imagine when dss goes to school & his friends talk about where they went with their families or things they do at weekends. Its a matter of concern about him & his insecurity & may have nothing to do with his dm so be careful about accusations - I would instead suggest your dh calmly talks to his ex & say he is concerned - & tall her what dss said - if she has been lying to her ds - well that's when your dh/p calmly tells her that is not right

Maybe he had a dream that he was there. Perhaps he was studying the Egyptians at school and then dreamt about it

Truly awful if Ex has lied but my first thought is either dss has assumed he was there, or made it up to make himself feel better.

If Ex did lie she was hopefully mortified and will never exclude him like this again. I dont know what good a conversation will too she will either already be making changes or she wont care.

I wouldn't be able to help myself if I was your dh though.

It was the fact he said he was the one who took the pictures that's why he isn't on them. As if that's the explanation she gave him.
Tbh I like her generally and everyone gets on great. She has now started taking him away with them since DH spoke to her about it a year ago.

Some children lie and invent truths. My dniece went to school one day and told everyone her mum was having a baby (she wasn't!). She's well known for making up stories and a life that isn't hers.
I don't think you dss dm should lie to him about her holidays either as it would be more hurtful to find out the truth in 5, 10 years time.

When I was doing some classroom/TA type stuff I often had kids lying about going on holidays, it was generally a sign something was very wrong at home. The first time it happened was with a fairly challenging 5 year old who actually sat for a whole lesson and painted an amazing picture of what appeared to be Bruges - he told me all about the squares he'd been in having lunch in cafes etc. Brilliant drawing skills too. I thought I recognised it as I often go to Bruges myself.

At home time I showed the fab picture to his mum expecting her to be pleased - I said this is the picture your son drew of his holiday its brilliant. She snatched the paper out of my hand saying "Little LIAR! what LIES has he been telling now?!" and dragged him away by his sleeve

My kids told people they'd been to all sorts of places, it's good imagination.
Oh, and holidays are a luxury not a necessity, tell your dp not to be so bloody stupid.
Seething? no wonder he's her ex does he seeth with you?

I think if u guys a have a fairly good relationship with his ex i wouldnt rock the boat just leave it.... its up 2 her wat she tells her son. But i in no way think what she has done is right, but fall outs can lead to people not seein there kids.

Either way, why hasn't the selfish woman taken her child at least to a Caravan once a year? Maybe not even every year but for goodness sake.
Either she's lied to him to cover up the fact that she never takes him anywhere, which is heartbreaking or he's made it up. Why? Because he never goes anywhere and that's heartbreaking. So the fact remains - why doesn't she?

She's clearly not living in poverty if she's going to Egypt & other places abroad with her boyfriend.

Poor kid. Here's me feeling guilty for ordering the odd Chinese....

I'm a single mum (with no father's support) and all of my spare money goes on taking my DD to at least 2 breaks to a Haven Caravan Park per year - just her & I. She has an absolute blast! We've just been on our 10th mini-holiday since 2016 & planning another, possibly two before the end of the year. Not blowing my own Trumpet, just pointing out that if I can do it when I've no supportive father & stepmum (and when I'm receiving Disability benefits so limited income), then why can't she?????

@Michellelovesizzy "its up 2 her wat she tells her son"

I totally disagree for what it's worth. If she is lying to him, then she's potentially damaging him emotionally - which is NOT up to her and is every bit the OP's husband's business and totally his place to say something about.

If the boy’s father is taking him away every year, how it is terrible that she uses the time to go away with her boyfriend? Seems sensible to me. There’s no actual requirement for every child to go away with every parent every year, and I’m sure she does actually do things with him the other 50 weeks of the year.

I wouldn’t put it past my own dc to imagine themselves into photos of places they’ve never been. Doesn’t mean she’s telling him that (or it could have been a joke he misunderstood).