Should my husband let this go, or pull his ex up about it

[stickystickysticks]

Background is stepson is 9- DH and ex split when he was 1. They have 50/50 care.

Ex has never taken him on holiday (until last year) and always waited for us to book our holiday before going abroad with her boyfriend. (We've always taken stepson with us)
So after this had kept happening she hadn't told SS she was going abroad when he was away with us and DH told her he wasn't going to lie to him and that if she feels guilty about telling him then maybe she should think why.
Anyway- after this, she took him away for the first time last year. All good.

We've been away this week and I was walking next to stepson and we were talking about holiday places we've been. He asked had I been to Eqypt and I said no. He said he had. He hasn't.

I told him I don't think he's been to Egypt and he said no he has, it was really hot, the pyramids were amazing and he isn't in the photos as he took them of his mum and her boyfriend!
I left it but mentioned it to DH who was seething and now wants speak to his ex and tell her that he shouldn't be telling his son he's been places he hasn't and that he should be honest with him about going on holiday without him.

My Aibu is- I've told him to just leave it, is it really worth it? But he's adamant. So, should he speak to her about it?

Why does he have to have 2 holidays?

Unless he's absolutely desperate to go away with his mum, I can't see the problem in her going away while he's on holiday with his dad.

So after this had kept happening she hadn't told SS she was going abroad when he was away with us and DH told her he wasn't going to lie to him and that if she feels guilty about telling him then maybe she should think why.

Where would the actual lie come in?

@WorraLiberty
He doesn't have to have 2 holidays. But she was actively avoiding taking him anywhere by waiting until we booked ours to book hers. Why wouldn't she want to go away with him ever??

She was going to turkey while we were in a uk cottage- she asked DH not to tell him she was in turkey and therefore just to ring and not FaceTime.

Are u sure it's not a sad little boy who's made a story up in his head to cover up him own hurt?

This was my immediate thought and it’s also quite common behaviour in these sorts of scenarios.

OP, I doubt very much that he thinks he went to Egypt.

Why wouldn't she want to go away with him ever??

I have no idea, but you haven't said he's desperate to go away with his mum so as long as he's getting a holiday with his dad, I can't see a problem.

Also, unless he directly asks his dad "Has mum gone on holiday without me?" There's no need for your DH to say anything is there?

I think pp are confused,
The little boy has seen Egypt photos
He’s asked if he was there
His mum said yes but you took the photos
He can’t remember as it was years ago 🙄
His mum is lying.
Is that clearer?

I would mention it to his mum, but play inocent. Tell her about the conversation but say that DSS must have dreamt about going to Egypt or been confused. She'll realise she can't get away with lying to him in the future, possibly set him straight at some point, or drop the topic of Egypt, and you'll avoid an unhelpful confrontation. No point in confrontation about it as she's now started taking him on holidays anyway.

If your DH is going to ask I think he needs to be really casual about it. Say something like ‘so DS says he took some pictures of you in Egypt’..... Then allow her to fill the silence. I use this ‘fill the silence’ technique quite a lot with my ex when I have awkward questions I need him to answer. It helps to prevent arguments and also puts the offender on the spot knowing that they have to give an answer.

@Bookworm4 I’m not confused. Last week my daughter told me she had been a theme park with her friends. She was adamant even thought she definitely has not been. A couple of days later I asked her about it again and why she said she had been and she told me she said it because she wanted to go.

Can she afford to take her child away abroad?

Maybe her new partner pays for her but not her son.

That poor boy 😔

@WorraLiberty one could argue that the OP and her DH might have liked a holiday just the two of them one year whilst the kid's mother takes her son on holiday, rather than her always getting the 'child free' holiday as it were.

Ginger, I’m guessing there’s no requirement for the OP to take the boy on holiday - they’ve chosen to do it.

@WorraLiberty one could argue that the OP and her DH might have liked a holiday just the two of them one year whilst the kid's mother takes her son on holiday, rather than her always getting the 'child free' holiday as it were.

Well yes and if the OP had actually said that, I'd agree with her.

@Michaelbaubles no, absolutely and it's lovely that they do. But it does sound as though the mum is taking the piss a bit, regardless of the whole lying bit!

I don’t get why she is at all. The Op and DH choose to take him abroad every year. It’s far easier and cheaper for a couple to go away alone than with a child in tow so if the SS’s mum wants a holiday it’s totally logical to go then. Is she supposed to sit at home weeping for the loss of her son? And then when he gets back they’ve all been on holiday so no need for anyone to go again. I’m assuming she has him the majority of the summer holiday so she’ll be the one doing parks/zoos/picnics and so on - more work IMO than a holiday abroad and just as valuable to a child.

I don’t see the need for her to take him away if he’s already having a holiday.

I wouldn’t take my son on a caravan holiday for example just so he has one with me, as he has very nice holidays with his dad each year and it just wouldn’t occur to me as a necessary expense. I don’t have the sort of income his father does, and I don’t have the budget for holidays anymore. He’s not missing out as he still gets at least
1 holiday each year, sometimes more.

I imagine it’s a cost factor. I’d put money on the new partner paying.

@bookworm4
That's not the way I interpreted it.

Dss has seen photos of mums Egyptian holiday, felt like he had missed out so invented the story that he was there. He knows full well he wasn't. Dm has decided she doesn't want to mention that she goes on foreign holidays whilst he's away as she feels guilty that he feels he is missing out. However I doubt its kept a huge secret, especially to an older child as they will hear grown ups talking "how was the holiday?" Or seen the photos taken (tell me have your kids ever gone through your photos on your phone before? Mine certainly have when they are playing with the camera).

I don't think the mum told the son that he went but I may be wrong.

I have no issue with her choosing to go on child free holidays because it's her life, not mine, but I do think if you decide to do that you have to own the decision and be confident with it and not try and cover it up like she is

@Michaelbaubles yes they do choose to do it but the OP said they have 50:50 care so I doubt the mum is doing the lions share of summer parenting.

@Notopel fair enough that you don't have the budget for holidays but the boy's mum clearly does if she is holidaying whenever the OP and her DH go away.

I just can't imagine enjoying a holiday for myself every year and not wanting to do some kind of break away with my child.

When I was younger I convinced myself that I was at my parents wedding. I wasn't born until four years later so I obviously wasn't there but I loved looking at the wedding album and everyone looked so lovely and glamorous that I wanted to be part of it all. I used to say that I was sitting in the wedding car while the photos were being taken so that's why I am not in them.

Update.
DH spoke to his ex this evening- he did what one pp said and mentioned it and left a silence for her to fill (I'm going to try this when necessary it's a really good tip)

SS found the photos in an album, she went about 4 years ago. Obviously there were pics of pyramids which SS is aware are in Egypt.
She admitted she told him he was there as he assumed he was and she didn't want to say 'no we went without you'

He said she got very defensive and didn't want to discuss it with him. But DH just said to her that she can't lie and tell him he was there when he wasn't. He hasn't been to Egypt and shouldn't be told otherwise. She also admitted she told SS he had taken all the photos and that's why they were only of her and her partner.

As I said- not sure the reason why they never took him, but they do now so that's only a positive. Maybe it was the partner- I don't know.

Honestly tho- I feel better that she told him this than he made it up cos he felt left out. And I obviously don't think she'll do that again.

@Ginget1982

Who pays for the holidays the mother has with her current partner?

@Kewlwife I'm assuming the mum does, but maybe her partner does, maybe that's why she didn't take her son away but it's seems a bit suspect that after the OP's DH said something she magically started taking him on holiday after all the years of not bothering.

Or maybe she felt judged and like it was being held against her so she felt like she had to do it.

Or maybe her relationship developed to a point where she is comfortable to let her current partner contribute towards big things like holidays for her child.