To allow DS13 to lock his bedroom door

[Boysbeforeflowers]

This really. I have two DS who are nearly 14. One of my DS has asked to be allowed to lock his bedroom door at times, presumably for some private time. I'm tempted to allow this, but people seem to think that it's unnatural and dangerous?

I had a lock on my room as a teen and I have one now, though I never use it. AIBU to not see much of a problem with this?

So long as “go away” is an acceptable response to a knock!

It’s a difficult one. I personally take the view that if something is wrong, the extra time (even if only seconds) taken to get through a locked door could be crucial - particularly in a bathroom with a head bang on a sink or something similar. So in my house, there is a lock on the bathroom door but for visitors use only. Family can just knock or ask (and the door is generally ajar if no one is in anyway) and we are expected to knock on bedroom doors before entering.

I have a 14ds and a 19ds, we’ve never had locks on the bedroom doors, however, if the door is closed, and with the exception of them being on the PC/XBox talking with headphones on, we always knock and wait to be asked in. I expect it in my room, and don’t see why the ds should be any different.

Definitely, NO!

Your house!

Just knock, cos its manners.

If you allow the lock, believe me you will have a very entitled 14 year old on your hands!

I'd be concerned about a fire or choking or some other emergency when they'd need help ASAP.

Can he not just shut his door? This is a clear enough sign that he doesn't want to be disturbed.

We do knock, but I know from experience that it's not the same as that feeling you get when you know nobody can get in your room! He's not asking to lock at night (I wouldn't allow this), but occasionally after school. I think he's also a bit embarrassed of saying not to come in, like it's an admission of guilt .

Things are more hectic at his dad's house; perhaps he needs to decompress when he's over here.

Other DS does not seem bothered, but I feel it'd either be locks for both or locks for neither to keep it fair

Do you know why he wants a lock?

Cross posted.

Like another poster I always wanted one because of a little sister who'd sit in my doorway so I couldn't close my door!

Let him have a lock.

Knocking doesn't provide privacy if it's done the way my family did it, i.e. knocking and then entering. Knocking first is like a quick warning that your door is about to be opened, which is a different thing from being able to choose whether or not your door is opened.

Does he online game in his room? Although I don't think the lock will make him "entitled" I would worry if it prevented spontaneous monitoring of who he's talking to during online gaming due to grooming etc.

As long as online gaming devices are elsewhere and you have no worries about his mental health I'd tend to allow as long as there's another way (window) out of his room in a fire. A lock that can be opened from outside if you're worried does sound a good idea, maybe, if presented as a fire safety precaution only and not to be opened from outside otherwise.

No need for sarcy . It may not in his case. But it can be part of it - entitlement - I'll do what I want in my room e.g. up all night, on phone all night etc etc. All the worry about fire precautions, grooming is nonsense if (common sense here) just don't put a bloody lock in in the first place!! sorted.

A teenagers bedroom is a place I have little interest in entering at the best of times

I wouldn’t have locks on doors apart from the bathroom just train everyone that a shut door means knock first .

A basic hook and eye latch would work. People can’t walk straight in but can be bust open in about three seconds. Make the rule that doors must be left unlocked at night.

Yanbu.

We didn't have locks, privacy wasn't respected properly when growing up "it's just kids".

I look back and no wonder I can't shit without the door locked otherwise I have extreme anxiety. Really fucked up.

Surely there are teens in existence who share a room with a sibling, so what do people do about locks then?

I find it a bit bizarre, a door that is locked sometimes and not others is almost announcing that you are having a wank or a shag?

I have a bathroom lock that can be unlocked from the outside- similar to this

www.doorhandlecompany.co.uk/carlisle-brass-serozzetta-bathroom-turn-release-polished-chr-24775/

You can use a thumb nail to turn from the outside in an emergency- but it still gives privacy would that work?

My dd13 has been asking the same. I think I will eventually let her have one (I am thinking she needs a new door). Her room is downstairs, ds has autism, when he gets annoyed he takes it out on her door. She asks a lot, but I am still hesitant.

Whole new world to me, ours doors growing up didn't even shut.

Our kids all have locks on their bedroom doors. They would say it helps them feel confident that their personal space stays private when they are not at home as well! (No snooping, borrowing items, etc.)

I had a lock as a teenager. Mostly because I wanted privacy for masturbating or lounging around in my undies, or for anything else I found embarrassing like reading Mills and Boon. I didn’t feel confident knowing that someone COULD walk in, regardless of whether they actually would or not. I wouldn’t put a proper lock on though, just a latch or a safety lock that can be opened from the outside.

Just get the lock op and ignore the crazy "you'll have an entitled teenager" utter bollocks written up thread.

I'm a massive introvert and I moved out of my parents as soon as I was legally able because I hated having zero private space to unwind. I wasn't up to anything abnormal, just needed to get some space. I agree that it's not quite the same as someone knocking because they could still barge in etc.

If his behaviour becomes concerning after getting the lock, then obviously reassess the situation.

Family dynamics are interesting, I do quite like hearing others’ experiences of growing up in their own family. I honestly had no idea that some siblings barge into their siblings room when they’ve been asked to stay out or take things from there without asking. I guess age difference has a lot to do with it. There is only 2 years between my two teens and they share a lot of belongings anyway (kept in the older one’s room as it has more storage space) and generally don’t mind the other borrowing their own things too. They would never usually just take something out the other’s room without asking but they are both fairly laid back about “stuff” and probably wouldn’t mind even if they did as they do tend to put things back too.

Maybe eg little sisters and big sisters are different as I would have hated to try and locate a missing lipstick in a hurry that a sibling had taken without asking.

I also didn’t realise that for some introverts, locking their door in a family home is essential for them to be able to get space. I’m a huge introvert myself (I detested living in uni halls so thst didn’t last long) so understand the need for space and quiet but I was quite happy with just closing my door shut at home. Although we were only a family of 4 and a biggish house, so we didn’t feel on top of each other. Unlike DH’s family home which had double the number of people but the same number of bedrooms as mine! He had to share a room with his brother and had to have his teenage wanks in the bathroom (which did have a lock on!)

All of our doors have locks. I always lock the door if I am getting changed or having sex. Yes people knock, but I feel more relaxed knowing the door is locked. I have safely raised 5 DC with locks on the door, I don't see the big deal. Do whatever suits you and your family.

I had one when younger. My younger brother would just barge in, sometimes with his friends no matter how many times my mother told him not to. My dad was a nightmare as well, he would knock but never waited, which defeated the purpose.

The agreement was it should never be locked overnight, which was fine with me.

I think it depends on why he needs the lock, are people just walking in?

I believe in knocking and waiting but don't see anything wrong with the op's son having a lock in his bedroom door as long as you can get in if you think it's necessary. He'll really feel as though he has his own little pad.