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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this behaviour is more annoying than polite?

55 replies

expatinspain · 10/08/2019 11:23

I have a friend whose behaviour regarding hosting I find quite strange. When we go to her house she literally tries to ply us with food and drink. Obviously it's polite to offer people food and drink when they're at your house, but with her it's constant.

You accept a drink and a snack and the second you finish she's offering another. You politely decline and she constantly offers. Even if you've had say four biscuits, she's pulling more packs out and telling you that you must try these and these abc then something else. It's relentless!! With alcohol she's a nightmare. She barely drinks and after a couple of drinks you say 'no I'm ok' and if you go to the loo she pours you another anyway. She does the same when out, orders you another glass when you go to the loo and pays for it, even though you've had enough and she's barely drinking.

DP was doing some work in her house for her and he was busy fixing blinds, plastering holes etc and in the space of four hours she offered him a drink more than 20 times!! He had one when he arrived and after many offers quite firmly said he was busy, but that he's have one when he finished and she kept on and on Confused.

Am I being a bit mean finding this annoying? Do you think she's just trying to be a good host? It doesn't matter how firmly you say no, it's like an onslaught!!

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 10/08/2019 11:25

Not just you! Totally does my head in.

Yes it’s lovely to look after your guests but part of that is actually listening and taking no for an answer.

I tend to just leave a plate so people can help themselves as and when they want.

MatildaTheCat · 10/08/2019 11:26

It’s a form of social anxiety. Yes, annoying.

Can you try to meet up on neutral territory? If she’s a really good friend you could bring it up but it could be quite tricky.

Original poster
expatinspain · 10/08/2019 11:32

Can you try to meet up on neutral territory? If she’s a really good friend you could bring it up but it could be quite tricky. Generally we do meet up in a bar/restaurant but then she does the alcohol thing and also always tries to pay or pay more!

She's not that good a friend that I can bring it up as I think she'd get offended. We've helped her out quite a lot; I got her a job as a teacher here as she was struggling to find work because of her age and DP is from here so has helped her out with finding workmen and doing lots of stuff for her himself as she's a British woman living alone in a very Spanish area who doesn't speak the language and has had some bad experience with workmen doing substandard work etc. I don't know if she behaves like this because she's grateful to us or something like that. She's very sweet and it's difficult to broach the subject.

OP posts:
Pinkout · 10/08/2019 11:36

My Nan is like this. She will literally cook you a three course meal and still ask if you want more at the end. She doesn’t like taking no for an answer either so will keep offering. If you reject one thing, she’ll ask if you want another.

I have no idea why they do it but yes, not taking no for an answer is rude.

Intruiged · 10/08/2019 11:45

I know the feeling! On occasion I've told them I have a (non contagious) stomach bug and gp told me to be on a strict diet including no alcohol or sweets! Older generations do it especially.

Meangirls36 · 10/08/2019 11:56

I do it alot. I just hate going over to friends houses hungry and in need of a drink and there's nothing there. Almost as bad as people who don't bring anything when visiting and then proceed to eat and drink you out of house and home every time they come over and ignore you for the telly/Xbox.

bluegirlgreen · 10/08/2019 11:57

@expatinspain

YANBU. Very disrespectful. They are ignoring and disregarding your request, and doing what THEY want, and not what YOU want.

They are basically asking what you want, listening to your answer, and then ignoring you, and doing whatever the hell they want anyway. It's like they think you are so thick and incompetent, that you can't make a decision for yourself.

I know a few people like this. 'Want a coffee?' they say. 'No thank you' I say. 'Are you sure?' 'Yes thanks. I am sure.' 'I don't mind coz I am making one anyway.' 'NO, thanks...'

Ten minutes later, a coffee appears on my desk/table. I look up with a Hmm look. 'Ummm, I am sure I said I don't want one.'

'Yeah but I made one anyway.' Grin

Hmm

When people do that, I purposely leave it.

PenelopeFlintstone · 10/08/2019 12:02

Could you say, “Put them/it on the table and I’ll help myself”?

Cherrysoup · 10/08/2019 12:04

So her desire to appear generous/a good host overrides your wishes? Rude, Imo and you need to tell her to stop. This would drive me nuts, you've said no, why is she ignoring you?

Lovemenorca · 10/08/2019 12:05

Eating disorder? Feeder??

Original poster
expatinspain · 10/08/2019 12:11

Could you say, “Put them/it on the table and I’ll help myself”? Tried this and even when the food there isn't finished she's thought of other delicious stuff you have to try 🤦🏽‍♀️ Yesterday she was trying to get me to try strawberry baileys even after me telling her I only really drink normal baileys and even then only at Xmas. She was offering me a shot as I was walking out the door!!

OP posts:
Original poster
expatinspain · 10/08/2019 12:12

Lovemenorca Definitely not an eating disorder, she's a bit of a foodie and loves dining out. A feeder and alcohol pusher...she could be!!

OP posts:
AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 10/08/2019 12:15

My in laws do this with food and it drives me INSANE. Even if I've made it clear that I'm cooking something later or even at times when they know we are going out for a special meal shortly, they will still offer food at least twice. It infuriates me. You have to almost fight them off. Thrice deny them before they will back off. It's exhausting and as someone recovered from an eating disorder it can be very hard. No advice really other than be very firm.

weaselwords · 10/08/2019 12:27

Mrs Doyle from Father Ted Grin m.youtube.com/watch?v=N20wHvMPTGs

hashtagthathappened · 10/08/2019 12:29

I’ve actually lost friendships over this. I can’t stand it.

Original poster
expatinspain · 10/08/2019 14:42

She is Mrs Doyle 😂

OP posts:
Fuckface7 · 10/08/2019 15:28

Oh dear, I think I might have done this and yes, it is down to social anxiety. You're so keen to be a good host you lose sight of the fact people don't need to get offered booze and biscuits at every bleeding opportunity to enjoy themselves at your home!

Fuckface7 · 10/08/2019 15:35

If being firm with this person doesn't work, I'd echo what @bluegirlgreen said and leave whatever has been pushed onto you. It's the only way sometimes to convince hosts that you are not simply being polite by declining another cup of tea/ whatever, you genuinely do not want another drink!

CSIblonde · 10/08/2019 15:44

She's repeatedly offering as she's not sure what hosting is so she's over compensating with the food & drink aspect of it. A not so subtle chat about what a great & more relaxed host you 'know' & how they run an evening (ie. who focuses on the chat & has help yourself food) might be in order.

cultwarning · 10/08/2019 15:45

I think it's just social anxiety. I do this a bit and I have just stopped inviting people round!

DisplayPurposesOnly · 10/08/2019 15:48

Just be upfront and jokey about it? "Now Susan you've asked me three times now - no more! I promise to let you know if I want anything to eat or drink, now please relax!"

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/08/2019 15:50

I have a work colleague who insists on making tea for everyone every 10 seconds. I don't drink tea at work and have told him so. Have told him not to ask me because I won't ever want one. He still asks me if a want a cuppa....50 times a frickin day...

RosemarysBush · 10/08/2019 15:59

My Nan used to do this, used to drive me mad until I realised that she kept asking because she thought she hadn’t offered anything I fancied yet! When I said “No Thankyou, I’m not hungry” she seamed to relax and stop suggesting things!

CallSignCharlie · 10/08/2019 16:00

I have a very good friend like this - a real
Mrs Doyle .
I try to combat it by inviting her to my house instead . it didn’t work -she just turns up with a box of cakes and three packets of biscuits . To be honest it really puts me off socialising with her . But I just keep being firm and leaving what she pushes on my on my plate . Hopefully she gets the message but I know it’s so deeply ingrained in her that she won’t ever change

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 10/08/2019 16:06

Laughing out loud at Mrs Doyle.

This was my Gran, bless her. I do appreciate why people are saying this is annoying, but as far as she was concerned it was her way of saying 'welcome'. (Didn't help that she was an amazing cook!)

The family laughed affectionately at it and it became something of a standing joke. But she was of a long-ago generation who thought it was always a wife who cooked for her husband, and was genuinely surprised when I'd counter this with a comment that 'he knows where the fridge is!'

To them it's welcoming and I doubt it's even occurred to them that this could be perceived as rude. But I don't think YABU.

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