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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my mother she can't come to visit

34 replies

Marinetta · 10/08/2019 06:52

I have a 4 month old son and live far away from my family. Since he was born my mother has come to visit around 4 times, each time staying for around 10 - 15 days. Before the birth she told me that she and my dad would visit as often as possible to support me and would try to make my life easier but the reality is very different. Whenever she comes she treats it like a holiday and rather than helping around the house actually makes more work for me. She spends most mornings sunbathing on my balcony and normally spends the afternoon reading a book in the park and never offers to help with the cooking or cleaning. The one time I asked her to help me out a bit by cleaning the microwave and sweeping the floor she made it very clear that she wasn't happy about it. We live in a small village on the outskirts of a big city and there isn't a lot to do in our village and my mam always wants me to entertain her or get the train in to the city and spend the day there with her with her which I find really stressful as my son doesn't seem to like the city. Basically when she comes to visit it's a very stressful time for me and rather than helping me she causes more work for me around the house with the extra shopping, cooking, washing and cleaning that I have to do. She is now planning her next visit and I'm thinking about asking her not to come and I know she won't react well. AIBU?

OP posts:

GiveMeHope103 · 10/08/2019 06:53

Yanbu and you should tell her why. She should be ashamed of herself lounging around while you have a tiny baby. Sounds like she wants a holiday more, which she can do somewhere else.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 10/08/2019 06:54

I probably would refuse the visit as it’s hard entertaining visitors with a young baby for that long. Your mum should be helping you like she offered so I’d not feel guilty either when you tell her

Chamomileteaplease · 10/08/2019 06:57

10-15 days???

Well done for considering not letting her come . I get the impression that she is an overbearing woman!

How do you normally communicate? If it is by talking on the phone then that will need more courage but if it is by text or email, then have a good think about your phrasing and get that email sent!

I think from now on the less she knows about your everyday movements the better. You may have to lie the first time you put her off. Or you could say something quite bland like you are very tired with the baby at the moment and aren't up to having guests. If she counters with "we aren't guests we are family and we help" then you will have to counter with "well it is still hard work having guests and it really isn't a good time".

Keep telling them they are guests. You can be as honest as you like with regard to her behaviour.

Also, do you like your mother? Because that is relevant too.

Disfordarkchocolate · 10/08/2019 07:00

You don't need our permission. If someone said to you can I come and be horrible to your daughter for a week you'd say no. Your Mum is asking to come and be horrible to you for a week so say no for yourself and start modelling healthy relationships for your beautiful baby.

8by8 · 10/08/2019 07:27

Do you think she means well but is misjudging? Just thinking when my DM came to stay after I had DC1 she did help in a practical way, but she was mainly there to keep me company, help me get confident taking the baby out, and I found that very helpful.

Maybe that’s what she’s thinking of - more emotional support than practical help?

If your relationship is generally good then maybe talk to her before her next trip - say the baby is sleeping badly (4 month sleep regression) or whatever, that you’re struggling to keep up with the housework, and that you’d really appreciate help with that side of things so you can catch up on rest a bit.....see how she responds?

alphasox · 10/08/2019 07:34

Wow.
I thought my MIL was bad (sitting around, expecting to be cooked for, asking if I can do her washing, making a massive mess etc) but at least she does the school run once or twice if I ask.
A couple of years ago we got so pee’d Off with her coming to stay and treating our house like a hotel we just stood up to her and said no, and then said we couldn’t cope with house guests for more than 2 nights. (We also has a small baby at the time). She was a bit flustered but got the message and I think being direct, as awful as it was at the time, really helped our situation.
We now invite her with very specific instructions- can you come from Monday to Wednesday as I have a meeting and need someone to do the school and nursery pick ups on Tuesday?. And then we still get annoyed about her slovenly-ness but at least it’s short and sweet.

Thatnovembernight · 10/08/2019 08:26

I agree with the pp who suggested your Mum thinks her purpose is moral support and company rather than actual practical help - doesn’t make it any less aggravating though. When you are exhausted with a new baby the last thing you need is a house guest who is sitting around sunbathing and wanting to go on days out. And not pitching in! I would just say something along the lines of it not being a good time for visitors as you are so exhausted from being up with the baby that you can’t do all of the cooking and cleaning and entertaining and need some quiet time. I’d also talk about trying to establish a routine with nap times and baby groups and overnight visits don’t fit right now. Only you will know what will cause the least offence! You’re not unreasonable to delay another visit.

TarragonSauce · 10/08/2019 08:44

Your dc is 4 months,
Your dm has visited 4 times.
For 10-15 days at a time?
So basically she is spending half of each month with you.

Sod that.

simplekindoflife · 10/08/2019 10:20

"Mum, as much as I love having you to stay I don't think I can do more than a couple of days at the moment as I'm really struggling to keep on top of things, like all of the housework as well as looking after a young baby. Entertaining and accommodating guests on top of that is just be too difficult for me at the moment as I'm really tired. Hopefully I'll be able to do more once the baby is older but at the moment I need to focus my time on him. Hope you understand."

She'll either offer to help which means you can say great and give her a list of all the things she could help with! Or she'll just stay for a weekend which will be much more manageable for you.

Summerunderway · 10/08/2019 10:25

Sorry dm we aren't up to visitors right now.. No grand explanation necessary - you aren't a hotel..

TheBrockmans · 10/08/2019 10:32

Oh no small, you have been here so much recently, now we are more in a routine I thought we would come to stay with you and laze around waiting to be fed and entertained.

fedup21 · 10/08/2019 10:37

Before the birth she told me that she and my dad would visit as often as possible to support me and would try to make my life easier but the reality is very different. Whenever she comes she treats it like a holiday and rather than helping around the house actually makes more work for me

I would say that.

LordNibbler · 10/08/2019 10:45

The problem is us women have been taught to sacrifice ourselves so we don't upset others. She's not in the least bit bothered about imposing on you like she's staying in a hotel, and you running around after her and entertaining her. So why should you be worried about upsetting her? Ok, so she won't react well, but at least you won't spend half your month looking after her and feeding and entertaining her. This is your time with your new baby, and actually it's a hard time for most new mums, so look after yourself here. If she reacts in a bad way then she can't be that concerned about you can she?

Original poster

Marinetta · 10/08/2019 11:55

Thanks for the confirmation that it's not unreasonable to expect her to help out. We don't have a particularly good relationship and she has a bit of a short fuse so I was worried about talking to her about it but I'm also known for being quite blunt and don't always express myself the best way. Now I can see that there is a nicer way of explaining that I don't want her to visit rather than flat out telling her she isn't welcome.

OP posts:

dollydaydream114 · 10/08/2019 12:51

We don't have a particularly good relationship

Why do you spend so much time together, then?

Witchinaditch · 10/08/2019 13:03

She’s not a visitor she’s your mother! & day give anything to have my mum stay with me ever. You’re very lucky she can stay with you, she’s not there to help she’s there to see you! You sound very entitled

VenusTiger · 10/08/2019 13:16

OP, tell your dad everything and ask him to deal with it. He’ll know how best to approach it, seeing as he’s married to her and lives with her.
Be honest with him.

womaninthedark · 10/08/2019 13:22

ffs, don't have the woman round if she's making extra work and not helping.

thejudgesaidhewasatitandIagree · 10/08/2019 13:23

My mums like this. I have to say no now. If you have health issues or small children having an extra person to look after makes everything harder. I find it so stressful.

YouTheCat · 10/08/2019 13:26

Witch, have you had an empathy bypass?

I'd love to be able to have my mum to stay but she's been dead 20 years. That fact doesn't mean that the OP should put up with shitty behaviour from her mother.

Greyponcho · 10/08/2019 13:28

@withinaditch - how is the OP not wanting to be saddled with hosting a guest for half the time, when she has a newborn to look after, “entitled”?
The OPs mother is making more work for her to do, but not lifting a finger and contributing to the workload

Tonnerre · 10/08/2019 13:34

You’re very lucky she can stay with you, she’s not there to help she’s there to see you! You sound very entitled

Utter nonsense. She's caught onto the fact that this gives her an excuse to doss around for two weeks in every month having her daughter waiting on her. There is no reason whatsoever why she can't see OP and help at the same time.

Tonnerre · 10/08/2019 13:34

OP, does she do anything like looking after the baby while you do other things (looking desperately for any redeeming features here!)

LordNibbler · 10/08/2019 13:51

HaileySherman · 10/08/2019 13:54

I don't admire your position. I would be horrified to have to tell my mother not to visit, but then again i couldn't in my wildest imagination see my mother behaving that way. Anyway if you're looking for opinions. I vote for you are NOT being unreasonable at all.

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