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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider stopping at 1 child (I have bipolar)

49 replies

AngryFeminist · 10/08/2019 00:31

Hi wise women.

I have an amazing 3 year old and we are discussing whether or not we might want another baby. Emotionally we are both all in: broody af, feel like a second would 'complete' the family, would love it for DS and am 34 so now-ish would be a logical time.

However. I have type 2 bipolar which while well managed is a fuckton of work to keep under control. Episodes are triggered by sleep deprivation and hormonal fluctuations (I can get suicidal or disassociated and self-harm around my period even when I'm compus mentus enough to know it's the hormones that are doing it so pregnancy and especially the postnatal period were no exaggeration horrific). With DS I had postpartum psychosis and there is a 50% chance it wuld recur. Our marriage took a battering that only started really recovering when he was around 2. DH also suffers with depression which again is triggered by lack of sleep and would obviously be made worse by having to look after a crazy wife as well as a young child. We live 4 hours train ride from my family (his are overseas). That said, we have moved from where we had DS to an area with much better MH care and I have been assured there would be more support/I would not be left in the state I was first time round.

We are all very happy in our family setup these days. I work full time in a career that I adore and DH is a SAHD which has really helped stabilise our mental health. DS is happy; we have a lovely family bond.

Haing written this now I feel like I have my answer. Logically I'd be foolish to put all the good stuff at risk. But I'm interested to hear from others who've been in a similar position and taken one path or the other. Do I just need to recognise the broodiness for the temporary biological headfuck and be grateful for what I have? I think also part of me resents not being 'normal' enough to cope, and feels guilty for the illness. Perspective welcome!

OP posts:
Original poster
AngryFeminist · 10/08/2019 00:35

Oh and I also feel guilty that my broken brain might deprive DS of a sibling - like, I can't even get that right. Which I can sort of a little bit see might be bollocks but is still painful.

OP posts:
AntiHop · 10/08/2019 00:39

Having only one child is a very sensible decision for many families. I think you have very clear and sensible reasons. I only have one, we've never tried for another. If you're on Facebook, I've found the group My First My Last My Everything really helpful.

BlueTimesTwo · 10/08/2019 00:41

It sounds like the best gift you could give your DS is a mother who is as happy and well as she can be and a stable home. Those things will make him far happier than a sibling.

You're doing great!

WorraLiberty · 10/08/2019 00:44

I have no experience of mental health issues but this was SO lovely to read....

We are all very happy in our family setup these days. I work full time in a career that I adore and DH is a SAHD which has really helped stabilise our mental health. DS is happy; we have a lovely family bond.

Honestly OP, I'd just keep reading that back to myself rather than...

Oh and I also feel guilty that my broken brain might deprive DS of a sibling - like, I can't even get that right. Which I can sort of a little bit see might be bollocks but is still painful.

It sounds like you and your DH have done everything right and personally I think I'd be very happy to stay like that.

Having more than one child isn't the be all and end all and I'm sure your child will be very happy either way.

CallMeRachel · 10/08/2019 00:48

YANBU, you are sensibly risk assessing your own MH and family.

I have one child, now teenager but it's been a hell of a stressful time bringing him up. It's affected my MH hugely. The teenage years are hell too, so many challenges, late nights, worrying and job struggles related to trying to juggle everything.

If things are stable now and you know the triggers are lack of sleep and hormones it's sensible not to tempt fate by having another child.

Plenty of families have just one child nowadays and my son is grateful now he's an only as many of his friends have an unhappy home life with too many people in it.

thaegumathteth · 10/08/2019 00:53

It’s not the same but I had severe anxiety and depression when pregnant with ds - partly caused by having hyperemesis but also, in retrospect, caused by hormones because I feel very similar now before my period. I did have a second baby and the anxiety and depression wasn’t as bad but obviously you know that you have a diagnosed condition and that might be different. I’m obviously glad I had dc2 but I developed horrible PND after her birth despite during pregnancy being much better. I felt horrific and it took me a long time to come to terms with everything and stop beating myself up for it.

We didn’t have any more children - partly because of the hyperemesis risk but largely because of the effect hormones have on my state of mind and how that impacts on everyone. I felt shit and broody but it passed and I think that honestly in your situation i would stick at one - mental health isn’t something to fuck around with and not is it your fault AT ALL. Give ds the best life he can have - make it a happy and loved childhood - that’s what matters.

Sicario · 10/08/2019 01:02

Having kids is always a crap shoot. Anyone with more than one child, or with sibling/s knows just how different people can be. Including our offspring.

Broodiness is that thing that kicks in that makes us think yes! brilliant! let's have another one! Though it's not always the best idea. (Been there, etc., and it was a lot tougher than I bargained for.)

I think there's a lot to be said for having one child between two great parents. Like the song says... "Three, is the magic number!"

Maniak · 10/08/2019 01:08

I was really depressed with my first, but my second hardly ever cried and was always smiley, and that helped a lot. Also, I was much better prepared the second time and asked for, and got, a lot more help. So I think it's all about setting up the structure. You can anticipate the problems you might have and if you can think of solutions in advance (like, idk, getting a relative or a nanny to help out in the post partum, or your husband to take a few months off work) then go for it. If you really want another.

I grew up in a big family and now I have a big family. The kids wake up and interact all day and then go to sleep. Like, it takes the pressure off, in terms of the guilt. It's not just me and a child, it's all of us and they're also raising each other. Like, watching a young child read stories to a baby is the most adorable thing ever. On the other hand, that's just a few minutes really in the context of years of chaos and drudgery, so yeah.

Also, guilt is just background noise to motherhood ime. So you'll probably feel guilty whatever you decide.

EmrysAtticus · 10/08/2019 07:04

YANBU! I had PND which was bad enough and I have made the decision to only have one due to that. Like you DS is now 3 and I am healthy and happy and that is a far greater gift to him than a sibling.

ShrinkWrap · 10/08/2019 07:18

Would you have to come off your medication whilst TTC or pregnant? I think you should be happy with the one you have. 50% recurrence rate is the average for people who have PNP on first pregnancy. From your post it sounds like you are very vulnerable to impact of hormones etc so very likely that it would happen again. I just don’t think I would risk it

cultwarning · 10/08/2019 07:19

I think you’re being very sensible thinking carefully about it.
Something someone said to me was “no matter how many you have, you will always be broody” this has helped me so much to stick at one and stand a good chance of raising a brilliantly well rounded, well cared for child.
If I were to push my luck and have another one I think it would compromise the wonderful balance and now we can all enjoy our lives.
Continue to think carefully about it. I wouldn’t if I were you.

missmouse101 · 10/08/2019 07:29

It's an absolute no-brainer! One child is fabulous for a multitude of reasons! Don't upset that beautiful balance you have achieved.

Herat1986 · 10/08/2019 07:32

Personally, if I was in your position and feeling how you feel, I would probably look into adoption.

Only you can decide if another child is worth the potential turmoil to your mental health.

Good luck x

Herat1986 · 10/08/2019 07:34

Just read your post properly.

Stick at one. You've got it made and have nailed parenting better than many I know.

Xx

MorrisZapp · 10/08/2019 07:38

DS has a schoolfriend whose lovely, clever, smiling mum went home one day and took her own life in the most distressing way imaginable. Stick with the setup you have, it works and risk factors are minimised.

MorrisZapp · 10/08/2019 07:39

I practice what I preach btw, I had PND and stuck at one child. I won't put myself or my loved ones through that hell again.

cultwarning · 10/08/2019 07:43

My mum had bi polar and was so mentally ill when my younger sister was born (having coped well with just me to everyone’s surprise and delight) that she was sectioned, suicidal and wasn’t able to live with us her whole life.
It messed my little sister up and now she has her own issues.
I don’t want to scare you but it is s very big gamble.
On the other hand, when my mum died it was really lovely that me and my sister had each other.

darkriver19886 · 10/08/2019 07:47

I would stick at one. It seems you have a good set up as a family and things are working well. I wouldn't risk pushing the apple cart.

Lacey405 · 10/08/2019 07:47

You sound like you have a great set up and a happy DS with a happy healthy mum. Well done you Flowers. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it !

SavageBeauty73 · 10/08/2019 07:48

Stick with one. Your life sounds lovely.

Beagled · 10/08/2019 07:50

I only have one, my mental health suffered with my first. Don’t intend on repeating it. Yes I feel guilty at times but then I hear / see people juggling two or more and know I’ve made the right choice for me. It sounds like you have a good balance and everyone is happy. Which is the most important thing.

Rockbird · 10/08/2019 08:16

I have a family member in exactly the same position. Child 1 it was fine, sailed through. Child 2 tipped her over the edge. She was sectioned and spent the first 6 months of the child's life completely out of it. Took her a long time to get back on an even keel. Child 2 is now starting school and you'd never know anything had happened but it was a horrible time for all of the family, all pulling together (amazing, fab family) and with her at the centre suffering the most. Wouldn't wish it on anyone.

ShrinkWrap · 10/08/2019 08:18

Adoption is not the easy alternative if you can’t have a baby, Herat. I guess you don’t think that, but it’s annoying when people suggest it so glibly

EmrysAtticus · 10/08/2019 08:29

Post adoption depression is really common too Herat!

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 10/08/2019 08:30

Please don't feel guilty about your DC not having a sibling. There are so many very happy children without siblings out there. And think about the number of sibling bashing threads we see on here - having a sibling is not guarantee of friendship!!! Instead cultivate strong relationships with any cousins DC might have and good family friends.
Your life sounds great just the way it is. If ain't broke and all that. Flowers