To consider stopping at 1 child (I have bipolar)

[AngryFeminist]

Hi wise women.

I have an amazing 3 year old and we are discussing whether or not we might want another baby. Emotionally we are both all in: broody af, feel like a second would 'complete' the family, would love it for DS and am 34 so now-ish would be a logical time.

However. I have type 2 bipolar which while well managed is a fuckton of work to keep under control. Episodes are triggered by sleep deprivation and hormonal fluctuations (I can get suicidal or disassociated and self-harm around my period even when I'm compus mentus enough to know it's the hormones that are doing it so pregnancy and especially the postnatal period were no exaggeration horrific). With DS I had postpartum psychosis and there is a 50% chance it wuld recur. Our marriage took a battering that only started really recovering when he was around 2. DH also suffers with depression which again is triggered by lack of sleep and would obviously be made worse by having to look after a crazy wife as well as a young child. We live 4 hours train ride from my family (his are overseas). That said, we have moved from where we had DS to an area with much better MH care and I have been assured there would be more support/I would not be left in the state I was first time round.

We are all very happy in our family setup these days. I work full time in a career that I adore and DH is a SAHD which has really helped stabilise our mental health. DS is happy; we have a lovely family bond.

Haing written this now I feel like I have my answer. Logically I'd be foolish to put all the good stuff at risk. But I'm interested to hear from others who've been in a similar position and taken one path or the other. Do I just need to recognise the broodiness for the temporary biological headfuck and be grateful for what I have? I think also part of me resents not being 'normal' enough to cope, and feels guilty for the illness. Perspective welcome!

One and done here! I became very ill after my son was born and I just can’t take that risk again- he won’t have a sibling but he will always have friends!

I have one child as PND drove me to the depth of hell. We felt that taking the risk of it happening a second time was not something we could face.

DS is 14- sociable and settled. He has friends from school, time in things like scouts and from his sports. One sport is very time consuming and I wonder how another person would have fitted in.

Children do not need siblings, they do need parents who can cope.

Thank you so much for all being so kind and supportive, and to those of you who went through similar and the poster whose mum was so ill, I'm really sorry you've all been touched by this illness as well.

I'm not normally one to be swayed by social pressure but I think it's playing a role. I often feel that friends and family don't really understand just how hard both DH and I have to work to keep sane or how awful PPP is. So it can feel like all they hear is me worrying about the hormones/lack of sleep which gets laughed off as everyone gking through it and how I shouldn't prioritise short-term comfort over the long-term joy of a sibling. I have tried a couple of times to say how bad it was - how it seemed so crystal clear that I should walk into the traffic at 2am because my 2 month old son rightly hated me/he was going to be kidnapped by North Koreans/I had to self-harm to stop the ants crawling under my skin - but it's almost like even then people think I'm over-worrying. Or even actually hysterical and selfish for not prioritising having the 'perfect' family!
This is helping me to see that actually, my perfect family is probably this one. It makes me so scared to think DS would have to live through it - at least now he's older and less utterly attached to me I can take a step back for self care when an episode is brewing and nip it in the bud. Couldn't do that with a newborn and no family support.

No, not at all.

My best friend has bipolar. I'm not sure of the type. She was diagnosed in university about 18 years ago. It's been relatively well managed throughout that time which meant she had a relationship with someone without it being an issue. She has a City job. He is an engineer. They had 1 baby knowing there is a high risk of a crisis but all was well. They had another baby when the first was aged 2 thinking that since everything had gone well it was unlikely to happen this time. She had a major crisis which started during the labour.

There are places where mothers and babies can be together but she didn't meet the criteria due to the nature of her crisis (sorry I don't know if that's the right word but that's what she uses). Her partner couldn't cope with the new baby and the child (midwife found them all crying at home) so the the baby went to a foster carer. The other child went to a family member who lived miles away and it took a good few months before they were home with their parents full time. They wouldn't let friends or family have the baby. They said none of us were suitable and too concerned about her seeing her baby over what is best for the baby.

These are middle classed professionals. She led a life which other than daily medication, was largely unaffected by her bipolar. She nearly lost her kids.

They are well now but she's forever changed by that experience. As is he.

Me too OP, I have bipolar 2, adhd, migraines & post birth injury - all of which cause debilitating fatigue at best from carefully managed medication, and severe depression & anxiety at worst. I have a three year old and also ‘one & done’

It takes such effort to manage the conditions that even in the last two weeks (summer holidays so no nursery/childcare/help/playgroups etc) I’m spiralling down & getting ill again because I’m not getting enough time to myself to do the things I need to do to keep well like writing, reading, exercise, meditation, cooking, walking outside, alone time. It’s a huge reminder of how tough it was at the start with a newborn and how hard I’ve fought to get back to functioning somewhat normally.

I would rather my daughter had a happy healthy mum who role models the importance of prioritising mental health and shows even scary sounding conditions can be managed. Than give her a sibling but raise them both poorly as a result of poor mental health where I would probably need to be admitted as others in my family have been.

We make these choices & sacrifices with the best information we have. Please acknowledge any regret you have, let it go & know you are doing the best you can for you and your family

Op I don’t have children but just want to send big hugs! I don’t have children yet but really want one but I am worried about coping with lack of sleep and hormones due to anxiety and disassociation. You clearly have done really well and I think just having one child would be positive as you can focus on him while also looking after yourself. You can take him to plenty of social places/clubs so he doesn’t miss out on a sibling. I can’t jmagine how hard it has been for you but look how far you have come! Onwards and upwards xx

I just read your update that people don’t take your worries about your mental health seriously in terms of a second. Honestly just disregard them telling you ‘oh it won’t be so bad’, no one understand how hard mental health issues are unless they have gone through it, they simply don’t get it. Hold firm and even tell them straight if needs be.

I'd stick with one. Assuming you're in the UK, there's absolutely no guarantee of good mental health support when you're in crisis, and provisioning can change in a flash, what is available now may not be in nine months time.

Your child isn't missing out on anything by not having a sibling. They are loved by their parents and in a healthy and happy family.

If it's any consolation OP I am an only child and not once have I felt my life would have been any better had I had a sibling, I had an excellent childhood with both parents all to myself :-)

Have you been in contact with Action on Postpartum Psychosis? They're a charity based in Birmingham but offer support nationally and are amazing. They also have peer support and link women up with each other. I wonder if they might be able to support you in making this decision?

OP, my number 2 was very much longed for and came along following several miscarriages.

I was massively broody and HAD to have a second child.

I love them both, however my life has become SO much more stressful.

Sibling rivalry is a pain in the arse and 2 demand so much more headspace.

In your position I would count my blessings, and be a proud mum of one. I wonder why not more people just have 1. It's the biological clock, and not too rational.

What's your work you love so much? Need inspiration

@Kewlwife that's horrendous, your poor friend. This thread has been really useful for helping me see that this would probably be the most sensible decision.

@Parrotsarebadbad I'm an academic. Get to spend all my time learning and shouting about really geeky stuff. The career thing is definitely a factor - if I lean in now, and don't risk my mental health, I have potential to make major career gains that will support the family and also be massively fulfilling on a personal level.

Thanks all, you're all great.

If you feel another child would complete the family but are worried about your MH have you considered possibly using a surrogate? Or adopting/fostering?

@Heartburn888 thanks for the suggestions - I think adoption and fostering are a different kettle of fish to having your own child as the children have all suffered such trauma. I'm not sure I am the best person, or we are the best family, to deal with that. As for surrogacy it's not something I'd consider on ethical grounds so really I need to come to terms with being one and done. This thread has been really helpful for supporting me in that direction!

Bipolar mum here. Went for the second and had brilliant Perinatal Mental Health Team for both pregnancies and 1st years. Would absolutely not have done it if I didn't have access to them. Meant I had my own midwife and CPN on call before and after birth with lots of visits to ensure I was okay and plan for what to do with sleep and hormone changes etc. My advice would be to have a bigger age gap if you aren't too old. My DD2 was born a few months after DD1 went to reception so I have had only one baby/toddler in the day to deal with and that honestly made a massive difference to sleep and energy levels. I also had HG and high blood pressure so needed the 4-5 years body and mind recovery before having another. Contact your local specialist perinatal mental health team and chat to them about it. If you don't havr this, or there is a long wait to see mental health, l wouldn't do it just yet. The key is to have support in place BEFORE you need it.

I don't have bipolar but I'm autistic and although I love DS dearly, I wish now with the benefit of hindsight that I'd stopped at DD. I find the stress of two bickering children with differing needs (they're both autistic) and my own needs incredibly hard to manage.

If I'd known then what I know now I would have stopped at one. The people I know with one child have better quality of life than those with more as far as I can tell, at least in my circle and thinking specifically of those with "conditions".

We have 1 child who is still very little but we've been saying for a long time we probably won't have another. I didn't get on with DSis growing up so siblings aren't always a good thing, even now we get on ok but aren't exactly best friends and only really see each other with our parents. I think in your position I wouldn't risk another personally, and am sure your baby would be happy as an only child

I’m on the fence with this one as a child with a parent with severe mental health problems. My first instinct was that you should stop and protect what you’ve got for your son. But, having a sibling was so important to me when my mother was sick. I had someone to talk to that understood, someone to share the burden and now we’re older someone to share the inevitable issues over declining mental health and ageing.

We are sticking to one child for similar reasons. It doesn't matter your reason really though, its nobodies business how many kids you have. YANBU

As a child of a parent with bipolar whose childhood was dominated by fluctuating levels of drama, I just want to say thank you for your insight, your compassion and your dedication to your role as a parent. You rock.
This is an impossible call, as a mum, we all know that no pregnancy is without risks, issues, ups and downs, and throwing mental illness into the mix of that doesn't make anything easier. From what I have just read of your history though, you sound like an amazing mum and I think you have the awareness to take whichever path you all see fit. None of us know what is round the corner. Trust your gut.

By the way, I'm not voting as I think you need to call this yourself.

Very sensible to stick with one, OP.
I was a mum of one for many years and it was fantastic! We did SO much together. I felt incredibly fulfilled as a mum of one.
I went onto have 2 more years later and of course this has been an enormous blessing. But my point is, don’t underestimate the joy and adventure you can have with one child.
I would say, get a lovely, lovable, luscious golden retriever or lab, if you love dogs that is. Very therapeutic and they become part of the family. Of course, I’ve advised something without taking into consideration your mental health, so forgive me. But it might be worth giving some thought to.
I admire your courage, your pragmatism, and your ability to deeply consider what is right for you. Keep living in truth and honesty, OP. I wish you well!

As PP have said, people remain at one for a myriad of reasons.

Your reasons sound very compelling.

I wouldn't risk it.

This thread has been so interesting to me, thanks OP. I must say you & your DP sound very sensible & thoughtful in terms of your decision making. A lot of people underestimate the strength it takes to care for a child when you also have to care for your mental health. So many people just jump in to having a baby without really considering the fact that they are bringing a whole new person in to the world. I experienced a traumatic birth & had pnd which was hellish at points. I have been thinking for a while now that we probably won’t have another. My DP has always wanted to stick at one. Occasionally I have pangs of guilt about my DD not having a sibling (I am very close with my sister) but I know it is probably the right decision for us. My partner always says that it is more important for our DD to have two happy & sane parents than a sibling who she may or may not get on with.