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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to make DD walk this?

56 replies

Oddlyshapedpeach · 09/08/2019 18:48

DD is just turned 12. She wants to take on an extra class in one of her activities. I have said yes, but only if she is prepared to walk there and back. We live in a quiet, rural village of about 2,000 people. Everyone knows everyone however there has been recent issues over a few flats being turned into "halfway houses" for those coming out of jail/psychiatric care, though it's hard to know how much is NIMBYism and how much is genuinely concerning

Class starts at 8 and ends at 9. It is less than five minutes walk away- down our street, through the village square, down another street, turn, and there's the church hall. The second street has a car park on one side and the side of the shops on the other, but it is floodlit and takes maybe 30 seconds to walk down. DH works late shift on the night the class is on, and I will be at home with the younger DC who are in bed by 8 and asleep.

AIBU? I think it's because she'd be coming home at nine, that feels quite late to me. I'm not sure how I will feel when she's doing it in January too. DD is moaning tjga she wants one of us to walk down to pick her up, DH may be home early enough some nights but it isn't guaranteed.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 09/08/2019 18:49

Is there another child who walks the same way?

At 12 I’m not sure I would be comfy with the walk back in winter.

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/08/2019 18:52

I think that sounds fine. It's not reasonable to expect you to take the other children out at that time. Doing the walk with a friend would be the best option, or have her walk home talking to you on the phone.

ChanklyBore · 09/08/2019 18:52

Five minutes walk at age 12 is fine to me. I had to be in by 9.30 at that age and no one knew where I was and of course no phone. My DD does guides finishing at 9.30 and walks home, sometimes to an empty house (who decided on a Saturday for guides?)

PositiveVibez · 09/08/2019 18:52

Tricky one OP, but I wouldn't feel comfortable with it tbh and that's regardless of a halfway house.

IsobelRae23 · 09/08/2019 18:53

It’s only 5 minutes. 11 year olds are expected to walk way further in winter for school buses and to school.

Lllot5 · 09/08/2019 18:55

Hopefully she can find someone to walk with. As you say ok this weather but not so much in January.

womaninthedark · 09/08/2019 18:56

I wouldn't be comfortable with my dd doing that and she's 37.
Alone, in the dark (through winter) following the same route at the same time? To me, and I admit I am exceptionally wary (but then, my people are exceptionally precious to me, as I'm sure yours are to you), she might as well wear a hoodie bearing the slogan 'Potential Victim'. That isn't based on there being 'halfway houses', it would be the same in any area. So, maybe I'd be worrying about nothing, but for me, it's too great a risk to take.

WorraLiberty · 09/08/2019 18:56

It's fine.

At 12 she won't be any more or less 'at risk' than if she was 15 or 16.

Make sure she has a mobile phone, even if you have to buy a cheapo.

jhb2013 · 09/08/2019 18:56

Tricky one. Can she cycle? Or walk there with another child? September should be fine as it will still be light, maybe she will make friends she can walk with after the first few sessions?

Nonnymum · 09/08/2019 18:57

I think I would be worried about her walking alone in the dark. But it's not reasonable to expect you you pick her up either if you have younger children in bed. Could she go only on the occasions your DH can pick her up? Or will. Any of her friends be going that she can walk with?

Sirzy · 09/08/2019 18:58

Don’t have her talking on the phone. A text to say she is on the way and then phone away. Phone out may make her an easy target and it would mean she isn’t concentrating on where she is going properly

TheRealShatParp · 09/08/2019 18:58

Well is it jail or psychiatric care?! If it was prison it would bother me, but if psychiatric care then it wouldn’t.

Original poster
Oddlyshapedpeach · 09/08/2019 18:58

No one else will be coming her way really. They all live at the other end of the street the hall is on. Our village square is a proper one with actual shops, she'll be going past four or five that will still be open and lit up at night. It's the stretch past the car park that worries me most, though it is empty at night

OP posts:
Original poster
Oddlyshapedpeach · 09/08/2019 19:01

God, I'd definitely do it at 37, I walk the dog around the same route on plenty of dark evenings and mornings. I wouldn't think twice if she was older, but she is only 12 and we are still negotiating new levels of independence. She does have a phone, yes

OP posts:
womaninthedark · 09/08/2019 19:02

At 37, I'd let you judge for yourself! But I wouldn't like it and I'd caution against it. Grin

Original poster
Oddlyshapedpeach · 09/08/2019 19:02

It seems to be jail and psychiatric care... Different flats used for different things

OP posts:
MargotsFlounceyBlouse · 09/08/2019 19:03

If it's five minutes and she has a phone she can call you or text when she leaves so you know when to expect her. If she's usually sensible I'd say it was ok.

Better to start a trial now whilst the evenings are lighter. Come January the novelty may have worn off anyway or she'll be used to the route.

Original poster
Oddlyshapedpeach · 09/08/2019 19:04

She is very sensible. She is allowed quite a bit of a freedom - went on her first big cycle with friends last week, three miles around quiet country roads,which I know loads of MNers wouldn't necessarily approve of.

It's the dark aspect of it that worries me I think

OP posts:
EAIOU · 09/08/2019 19:07

Tricky one but ultimately your call.

Maybe a trial run?

NottonightJosepheen · 09/08/2019 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lisbonholiday · 09/08/2019 19:08

Agree with PP, trial it now during the lighter evenings if you can. My boys aren't 12 yet, but it sounds reasonable. If she is sensible then I would let her.

MeMeMeYou · 09/08/2019 19:11

I wouldn’t at that time of night for a 12 yo but then my 11 yo who I’m basing this on is small and not v confident or streetwise. She’s about to start return bus journeys to high school and day time trips to the town but I’d not want her out alone that late

rightsideofherstory · 09/08/2019 19:15

If you're second guessing then it may not be a good idea to let her walk

museumum · 09/08/2019 19:16

I used to run guides (10-14yrs). None of the 10yr old walked alone bit most of the 14yr olds did so 12 is just the right tine to start imo.

Blankspace4 · 09/08/2019 19:18

How about cycling?