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AIBU?

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Original poster

16 year old niece who can't seem to do any chores.

50 replies

Iaintdontnothing · 09/08/2019 18:42

I've had my niece come to stay with me this summer and she's a great kid. She's came to stay as she doesn't get on with her stepmum who makes her 'do everything around the house' and is portrayed as they evil step mum from cinderella. However there's somethings that are just not adding up.

  • She went to cook herself some potato wedges as a snack, proceeded to tip most of them on the floor and just left them there.
  • Used the oven, burned everything as she didn't know that you have to look on the packet to see what number to cook at (just turned the oven on, and put the dial right up).
  • Got clothes out of the washing machine and proceeded just to dump them in the middle of the floor, in a heap, to dry.
  • Never puts the milk in the fridge after she uses it.
  • Dyed her hair (not the first time she's used hair dye) and got it all over my new towels/left it all over the bathroom for me to clean.

I know I wasn't the tidiest teenager and teenagers aren't known for their house keeping qualities/common sense but for someone who says she's had to cook her own dinner and do her own washing since she started secondary it's getting hard to believe. My partner thinks she's taking me for a mug and she's more than likely on very thin ice with her parents due to her general laziness which in turn is the reason she's staying with us. I don't expect her to do any cooking/cleaning etc and sometimes I do get home from work and she's done the hoovering/a bit of dusting (which isn't asked or expected), but why is she lacking these general skills?

OP posts:
KateUrrer · 09/08/2019 18:45

I cannot think of a more plausible scenario than your partner's.

What is the alternative?

Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2019 18:49

You need to have a big talk with her. Totally unacceptable behaviour from a 16 year old. You aren't doing her any favours by tolerating this nonsense.

itbemay1 · 09/08/2019 18:52

Sit down with her and tell her all the things you have listed here and how she can change. You need to teach her and put some boundary's in place, otherwise you're doing her a disservice for when she returns home.

Fragalino · 09/08/2019 18:54

So are you going to lay into her op or have a nice chat whilst doing something fun one day...

So dear x.. Has anyone shown you how you dry clothes, cook etc. Can I show you!

FrancisCrawford · 09/08/2019 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nautiloid · 09/08/2019 19:00

That's a terrible and disrespectful way for a 16yo to behave. My 9 year olds aren't tidy but they wouldn't do any of that, even they know to clean up spills.
I too would be questioning whether her attitude is more of an issue than expectations at her house.

LIZS · 09/08/2019 19:01

Shocking way to behave in your home, she is likely worse at home. You need to tell her to clear up after herself and how to hang clothes etc.

Lunafortheloveogod · 09/08/2019 19:03

At 16 I had my own flat, at 12 we were taught in school how to use an oven properly and by 15 I could’ve baked a Christmas cake (why that was the bakery focus only they know) or made a meal from scratch.

Common sense tells you the milk came from a fridge it goes back, dye will stain, things on the floor aren’t taken away by fairies etc

Even washing left in a heap not drying is logic (over lapping a little on a line or over stacking a clothes horse I’d get)

She’s completely at it and knows if she acts useless she doesn’t need to lift a finger.

Inniu · 09/08/2019 19:04

Every single time she does something like that pull her up on it. Eg
“DN you left wet clothes on the floor, they go on the line/airer. Go hang them up please”

formerbabe · 09/08/2019 19:05

She's came to stay as she doesn't get on with her stepmum who makes her 'do everything around the house

That old chestnut eh?!

My ds says I make him do everything round the house too. His chores extend to ..

Setting the table for dinner
Helping me unload the dishwasher

Literally EVERYTHING huh?!

HoneysuckIejasmine · 09/08/2019 19:08

Ah, she's taking you for a mug, OP.

Original poster
Iaintdontnothing · 09/08/2019 19:20

With the clothes in the middle of floor she did three loads of mine and hers washing - completely unprompted as she said she felt bad as I had to stay really late a work and spent the weekend driving her around. she really didn't have to do the washing as I told her (appologised for not getting around to doing it but it was on my list). The only found out she had done the washing as the spare room stunk of damp and I put on the light to see what was causing it.

I felt a bit sorry for her beforehand and invited her to stay as her house is over crowded, her parents don't have any money and are preoccupied with the baby. She also said she blamed the baby for not being able to study for her GCSEs so I let her stay at mine a lot for some peace but she just watched Netflix every day.

I'm not sure on what to do; either do I let her stay at mine and I parent her (I did think she was quite mature before I let her stay, I didn't see my self as a nagger) or do I influence her to go back to her parents? I think i've got it all wrong as I treated her as more of a mate (with lectures reserved for alcohol abuse/boy drama) than telling her to hang out her things.

OP posts:
LIZS · 09/08/2019 19:32

Maybe help her see that being able to help at home is an asset. She sounds pretty immature tbh and using her home life as an excuse. How much older are you?

Fyette · 09/08/2019 19:54

I'm ashamed to admit I might have done the same at 16, not for lack of respect or because I liked taking the piss but because I just didn't know how to do anything. I never had to do more complex chores at home than emptying the dishwasher. When I moved out at 18, I couldn't cook a single dish, couldn't operate the washing machine, didn't know how to clean a toilet etc.

But you're right - that is not adding up with her evil stepmum story at all. I was spoiled. I'd have a talk with her and try and figure out what's really going on / what the real source of her tension with her stepmum is. Pretty much all adolescents are lazy, it's basically a hormonal imperative, so that is no reason for her to be on such thin ice that she'd feel forced to leave the house!

BloomingHydrangea · 09/08/2019 20:01

You need to teach her

We madd a list age 13-17

Use washer
use tumble drier empty tank and filters
Cook a family meal
Wire a plug
Cut the lawn
Change a lightbulb
Plumb a Washing machine

Etc etc

KateUrrer · 09/08/2019 20:07

Or you can send her back home.

Lllot5 · 09/08/2019 20:09

Does she honestly expect you to believe she has never seen a line of washing anywhere? Of course she knows it goes on the line or on an airer.
She’s having you on

SavingSpaces2019 · 09/08/2019 20:13

you're being played by a teenager!
why is she lacking these general skills?
Maybe, like you, her parents don't expect her to do anything and you have a list of 'reasons' why.

Why do you not expect her to do basic chores when she's contributing to the mess?
Did you pull her up on the mess and tell her to sort it?
Clean the oven/bathroom?
Or did you do it all for her?

you're enabling her - not helping her.

KateUrrer · 09/08/2019 20:14

(It is just my opinion as a parent of teenagers but..) I think it is bit cheeky to take on other people's teenagers. In this case you can either move into a teaching role which the parents will probably appreciate tbh or admit you got it a bit wrong and send her back.

(Unless we are talking substance abuse, some of my relatives in the US have taken on kids from such homes but on a full understanding that they then have the parental responsibility iyswim.)

Bagofworries · 09/08/2019 20:33

Seems quite clear to me.
Your niece was probably the only child, her parents did virtually everything for her. They have now had another baby and are expecting niece to do just a few things to help on the domestic side.
Niece feels aggrieved at this, tells you that she cant study with the baby and she's being expected to do everything and bingo, you believe she feels pushed out by the baby so you sympathise and now instead of pulling her weight at all, shes got you doing it all, expecting nothing of her, and buying all this nonsense that she is the victim here.
How did she end up at your house for the foreseeable? Did her parents kick her out? Did they ask you to have her?
How long will she be staying?
Have you asked her parents for their side of her story?

I'd tread carefully if I were you. I know of this happening almost exactly like this to someone else, and consequently, the child and the parents were completely estranged within a year.

Original poster
Iaintdontnothing · 09/08/2019 20:56

She's one of five and her mum is in prison - she's had it really really tough and she could (and understandably) be a lot worse.

My brother and I haven't really spoken for the last 10 years. He's got his head in the clouds on what's going on and just wants to keep the peace in the house but has a hot head on him - his girlfriend doesn't like the family so i've never really met her. She's kinda been sofa surfing between friends, family members and her dads as she really doesn't get on with her step mum - I'd rather her be here than on her other side who I know are all either criminals or lacking in morals. She's said a few things about her step mum which social services would be all over but her obvious lying about cooking for her younger siblings must be a lie (unless the meals just include beans on toast), so what else is?

I feel like now i've made things much worse, 'hey make yourself at home... you've not got many clothes so lets go shopping/here's the remote to the smart tv/what food do you want to eat this week/have your mates over for sleep overs as you're not allowed them at home'.

I have taught her since she's been here how to work the oven/how to dry clothes/general life skills and she has improved but isn't clearing up after herself. At home she had to pay for 'everything' (which I do imagine as her parents rely on benefits) and when we used to just hang out she would spend the money I gave her on smellies/tampons etc but now she's jacked that in (I only give her £15 on average a week) to get transport to friends/pocket money/more junk for the fridge.

OP posts:
KateUrrer · 09/08/2019 21:00

OK, I am sorry if I sounded snarky. I have pampered children compared to this scenario and I am far too cynical.

It is a tough call for you.

Original poster
Iaintdontnothing · 09/08/2019 21:00
  • One of seven as her mum has other children but she doesn't really see them.
OP posts:
fedup21 · 09/08/2019 21:04

So, she said the step mum (is this your brother’s girlfriend then, so not really a step mum?) makes her do everything, so you just invited her to stay indefinitely without any further digging to find out exactly what she meant?!

I would have got her to expand massively on what was going on-in some detail, then spoken to the people she lives with to find out what they said. Then I would have laid down some ground rules.

Then if that went wrong, the first time she tipped chips on the floor/left my washing to go manly/left me to clear up hair dye etc etc, I would have sat her down and gone through things again?!

You just seem to have moved her in without talking to her or anyone else, and are just poking up with all this weirdness?

Original poster
Iaintdontnothing · 09/08/2019 21:08

I can't really talk to my brother as then I'd be breaking my trust with my niece. He's not really looked at me this past year I think he's embarrassed of this whole situation but he knows i'm on his side as well as my DN. He doesn't even have a phone so people can't contact him.

I've now downloaded a book on teenagers as she's so bloody negative on everything (her friends can't do anything right, her teachers are POS, why is everyone getting on her case that she has to stay on at college/6th form/get an apprenticeship .

OP posts: