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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

16 year old niece who can't seem to do any chores.

50 replies

Iaintdontnothing · 09/08/2019 18:42

I've had my niece come to stay with me this summer and she's a great kid. She's came to stay as she doesn't get on with her stepmum who makes her 'do everything around the house' and is portrayed as they evil step mum from cinderella. However there's somethings that are just not adding up.

She went to cook herself some potato wedges as a snack, proceeded to tip most of them on the floor and just left them there.
Used the oven, burned everything as she didn't know that you have to look on the packet to see what number to cook at (just turned the oven on, and put the dial right up).
Got clothes out of the washing machine and proceeded just to dump them in the middle of the floor, in a heap, to dry.
Never puts the milk in the fridge after she uses it.
Dyed her hair (not the first time she's used hair dye) and got it all over my new towels/left it all over the bathroom for me to clean.

I know I wasn't the tidiest teenager and teenagers aren't known for their house keeping qualities/common sense but for someone who says she's had to cook her own dinner and do her own washing since she started secondary it's getting hard to believe. My partner thinks she's taking me for a mug and she's more than likely on very thin ice with her parents due to her general laziness which in turn is the reason she's staying with us. I don't expect her to do any cooking/cleaning etc and sometimes I do get home from work and she's done the hoovering/a bit of dusting (which isn't asked or expected), but why is she lacking these general skills?

OP posts:

JudgeRindersMinder · 09/08/2019 21:11

I think given what you’ve said about her family circumstances, if you could take her on, it could be the difference between her leading a different and positive life as against following the life on benefits which she’s been part of so far.

It’ll be hard work-teenagers are messy buggers, but with consistent rules, and as someone said upthread, if she leaves stuff at her arse, call her to sort it out EVERY time, you could (hopefully) be rewarded with a very special relationship with her, and it could be the making of her.

fedup21 · 09/08/2019 21:16

Has she come to stay for a bit over the holidays or are you ‘taking her on’?

Have you discussed her departure?

LIZS · 09/08/2019 21:24

If I've understood correctly your dn lives/lived with your dbro and gf, has a mum in prison and younger siblings ( also your brothers?) who she sees sometimes? It sounds like things have been tough but going from a chaotic household of 7 to one baby would surely be a positive. Now it seems her family find her too tricky to deal with and passed her on.

However what external support is she receiving? She needs more than you are equipped for, however kindly your intentions. Teach her independence and life skills, cook, clean, shop together so it feels less instructive. She sounds demotivated and hoping that someone else pick up the slack. What does she intend to do post gcse? What would she like to do?

Original poster

Iaintdontnothing · 09/08/2019 21:41

@fedup21
So, she said the step mum (is this your brother’s girlfriend then, so not really a step mum?) makes her do everything, so you just invited her to stay indefinitely without any further digging to find out exactly what she meant?!

The step mum and my brother have been together for 8 years (give or take) and got two kids together so more of a partner than just a girl friend and my brother has another child too from the women who is in prison. It wasn't necessary a 'hey you're having a tough time come live with me this summer' it was more of a 'Auntie Iaintdontnothing can you come pick me up now.. next weekend.. can I stay another week.. I've fallen out with my friend so can I stay at yours this week etc etc' to when I picked her up 6 weeks I go I told her just to pack up a bigger bag just to keep at mine and now she's got the spare keys. I'd rather have her at mine than at her mum's side but now I think i've pampered her too much as I thought it was just for the short-term just to treat her and my partner thinks she's laying on the sob story about her evil step mum just so I let her stay here.

OP posts:

LIZS · 09/08/2019 21:48

I think she is playing you and giving you the sob story, maybe she is genuinely craving attention and support she feels is lacking at home. As long as you recognise that and are prepared to be harder on her than you initially were there is time to turn it round. But would suggest she also needs counselling and impartial advice. It does seem as if she has a victim mentality - her family, stepmum, friend are all mean. How long before she decides you and your dp are too when you expect her to do more than she is willing? Presumably ss are aware of the situation,

Original poster

Iaintdontnothing · 09/08/2019 21:53

@JudgeRindersMinder
She has had therapy from camhs but she felt it didn't help as they told her dad about her issues. She's also had mediation with her parents but apparently that just made things worse. Social have been involved but she doesn't trust them and thinks they're useless and makes things worse.

I went with the few of showing my niece that life can be nice if you work hard for it. We went out for nice day trips with restaurants, she was in awe that when we went food shopping I bought a whole trolleys worth and didn't really look at the prices. I was hoping to show her that there's another world out there if you get a decent education and job to have opportunities but I think now it's just made her bitter of the old life she's had. Gosh I didn't think this was going to be a drip feed/life story - I guess i've just been annoyed that I'm trying so bloody hard for her and making an effort and she drops chips on the floor as a way to repay me.

Her dad loves her, and he has been really good to her. He had to fight for her tooth and nail before her mum went into prison (she gets released then goes back in again.. over and over again). A few years ago my DN was the happiest she's ever been living with her dad but it's the step mum who's apparently the issue. The step mum cut contact from our whole family essentially as soon as she came on the scene and it's only since DN got a device (from her wages) and got SM she contacted me.

OP posts:

justthecat · 09/08/2019 22:03

In the nicest way she needs some tough love, sounds like she’s never had boundaries and expectations.
May turning off the WiFi be your guide as and when required
She’s not daft

thecatinthetwat · 09/08/2019 22:26

I think she needs some very soft love.

Can you do things together in a fun way so that she learns. Cook meals together etc.

I don’t think she’s necessarily been lying. Maybe she has been making beans on toast, maybe she’s just used to her own oven and didn’t realise the details. Teenagers can be really dense.

Either way, I think it’ll take time and patience. But if you’ve got it in you, it would be a marvellous thing you could do for her.

Lilyofthefields · 09/08/2019 22:36

I think she needs some very soft love.

Me too. Sounds like she has had a poor start in life. Can you access any courses through the local fostering service?

I’d make everything as loving and positive as possible. Stop taking things personally and look for the best intention unless you know otherwise.

NewName54321 · 10/08/2019 00:25

Time for a chat - in the car is good as she has to stay put and doesn't have to give you eye contact.

I'd take the line that she's had the summer off after her exams but that will be over in a few weeks.
Find our what she is planning to do in September. This might depend on her exam results, and she might not know.
What support does she need? Is she going to be staying with you officially or going back to her DF?

Then explain what you expect from her if she is to stay on with you.

If she stays on with you, seek a re-referral to CAMHS or counselling. Given her past, it's possible she has some degree of attachment disorder. She's probably terrified she is going to lose you, like the other adults in her life, and it is less painful if the cause is her behaviour rather than herself personally.

Unconditional love and clear but reasonable boundaries. If you can't keep her, be careful how you word this. Could you still offer some support, e.g. holiday visits or somewhere to study?

Pinkpeanut27 · 10/08/2019 00:33

As a parent if 2 16 yr olds and an aunts of a 17 yr old that sounds like totally normal behaviour . Mine are quite capable of doing chores they just chores not to I’ve spoilt them a bit through their GCSEs but enough is enough .
Have a chat and try and explain what is expected , I’m trying to do it from the angle of you have more freedom now but with that comes responsibility . Teenagers are so goo at playing parents and I think they have been bought up in a much more self centred world then previous generations, it’s not their fault if we don’t help them

stayathomer · 10/08/2019 00:52

I could be totally wrong here but would the fact that she's making her stepmother out to be the evil stepmother and talking about how they make her do everything not show that she does try with her? Why is everyone saying her parents never taught her? I think your dh is right too OP. 'Oh, do I not just leave them on the floor?!' She's been taught it all, she's just trying to get you to take over and do everything for her!

k1233 · 10/08/2019 05:33

People can't meet your expectations if you don't tell them what those expectations are. So, next time she makes a mistake, kindly tell her what is expected. Don't make it a drama, just put it as a fact. The washing - thanks so much for washing - it needs to go in the drier or on the line so it doesn't get stinky and can dry.

RandomComment · 10/08/2019 09:54

My 6yo would know what to do. She is taking the piss.

Lilyofthefields · 10/08/2019 10:11

Your 6 year old would know how to cook wedges in the oven, know when/how to empty the washing machine and hang clothes out to dry and know how to dye her hair and to put the damp towels in to the wash?

Meangirls36 · 10/08/2019 10:56

She just needs to do one hr of chores a day, and told to not leave anything on the floor. Leave some household magazines about the place, cooking , cleaning , lifestyle. And introduce her to the wonders of Pinterest. Mrs hinch or someone like her might inspire her. She needs structure in her life, you could discuss this together and make a plan over some adult cappuccinos and biscotti.

RandomComment · 10/08/2019 12:46

Lol you are talking like cooking wedges is rocket science. She has been taught to bake already. She might not be able to make some cupcakes from the beginning to end but can do most of it.

She has been helping with hanging clothes in the garden everyday this summer. She might not be able to hang a duvet but normal clothes is fine.

She can’t and won’t dye her hair just yet. When she gets older, she can choose to do it when she likes.

Lilyofthefields · 10/08/2019 17:22

I am sceptical that a six year old can get the wedges out, preheat an oven, cut open the packet, put the wedges in for the right amount of time (possibly using a step), use oven gloves to remove the tray, place it on a trivet...

I think you’re exaggerating in order to make the OP feel worse. “Lol”.

RandomComment · 10/08/2019 23:53

I came from a 3rd word country so am very used to kids at my daughter’s age having to look after younger sibling and start to help out with housework. By 14,15 a lot of kids have had to leave school and start working. We go back home every couple of years and DD is very aware of her privileged life in the UK and have been doing chores around the house since last year. Why are surprised by the fact that a 6 yo can cook some wedges. Of course we keep an eye on her to make sure she is safe but it is not that difficult.

Lilyofthefields · 11/08/2019 08:19

Why are surprised by the fact that a 6 yo can cook some wedges.

Because in my experience it requires a level of sequencing, attention, reading, height and strength that 6 years old don't/shouldn't yet have. Before you posted, I did wonder if a child that was a carer or had been neglected would be able to do it, but I still didn't think so.

RandomComment · 11/08/2019 11:00

I can see why you had your doubt but it is fine. The point is for a 16yo not being able to do and understand basic things is not on. If the OP or her parents have such low expectation for her then it can explain why. Maybe it is time to teach her how to do these simple tasks, be aware of what other people might think so when she goes to uni or starts living on her own, she might be able to function normally.

Lilyofthefields · 11/08/2019 11:09

The point is for a 16yo not being able to do and understand basic things is not on

I just don't think it's a character flaw that this girl can't do some basic domestic tasks. I think she's a product of her upbringing. I left home at 16, did some sofa-surfing like this girl, but I don't think that makes it ok. I think that there's a great opportunity here for the OP to give her some love, some kindness and some parenting.

I was thinking about this thread, and that really niece is more in the position of foster daughter.

Teaandcrisps · 11/08/2019 11:25

Maybe if you sat her down with rules of the house and framing the conversation as her 2nd home? I think that everything that you are doing will set her up for life and it's getting the balance between setting normal teenage boundaries at home and being there to support her. It's great that she has you in her life.

Livelovebehappy · 11/08/2019 11:28

Poor parenting.

SavingSpaces2019 · 11/08/2019 17:32

Her dad loves her, and he has been really good to her...A few years ago my DN was the happiest she's ever been living with her dad but it's the step mum who's apparently the issue.The step mum cut contact from our whole family essentially as soon as she came on the scene and it's only since DN got a device (from her wages) and got SM she contacted me

Stop blaming the stepmother! You need to look a lot closer to home to find the true culprit - your brother.
HE chose to drop contact with HIS family.
HE could have bought his dd a phone to contact you on a long time ago IF he wanted her to have a relationship with you.
If his partner is controlling - then he should have stepped up and protected his dd against the it/left his partner.

I think your brother is full of shit.
Fought tooth and nail for her did he?
From what i know of SS if the resident parent goes to prison the child is automatically handed to the NRP (unless there are safeguarding concerns)
Was he handing DD back to her mum each time she came out of prison? That doesn't sound like someone who fought to keep their dd!
It sounds like someone who only did the bare minimum to avoid looking like a bad parent.
He CHOSE not to parent/discipline his dd properly and teach her how to cook/clean up etc
He doesn't want to do the hard work of parenting a teenager, who will soon be an adult, who has multiple emotional/mental health issues.
He wants to focus on his new life with a new baby, and IF the SM is controlling - then he's CHOOSING to allow his partner to push his dd out of her home.
HE is choosing to neglect his child.

Has he made any effort to reach and talk to his dd whilst she's been at yours? Tried to convince her to come back home?
HE doesn't want her there!
Has he even given you any money towards food/housing costs for her? I bet he hasn't.
If DD lives with you - will he be paying you maintenance? Allow you the child benefit for her?
Is he going to financially support his child through school and further education/whatever?

Your brother is a dick!

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