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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not attend wedding when...

35 replies

Mrsmememe · 09/08/2019 08:13

AIBU to not attend BIL wedding when we know he’s cheating on his wife to be and has done with multiple people all through their relationship?
BIL told us quite openly he’s only getting married to ‘shut her up’ after she gave him an ultimatum when my husband and I got married.
They are openly doing the whole big wedding thing on Facebook and we are getting grief from family members (parents in law) about why are we not going.
It’s common knowledge that the groom has cheated and will likely do so again. The bride knows too.
My husband has simply said they are making a mockery of marriage and we aren’t going. We are away on holiday that week luckily.
Family think we should have ‘played along’ but we can’t bring ourselves to. Are we being selfish and unreasonable?

OP posts:
Lowlandlucky · 09/08/2019 08:15

Go to the divorce party

Bluntness100 · 09/08/2019 08:15

I think if she knows. And they are both happy to proceed, I would go.

ShatnersWig · 09/08/2019 08:17

No, I couldn't go to that either. There's only so much "playing along" I can do. "Playing along" and no doubt paying out money for wedding presents, drinks, maybe a hotel stay? Nah, money and hypocrisy aren't a good look although many will go along with it for the "sake of family peace". Fuck that shit.

Damntheman · 09/08/2019 08:18

I think saying "they are making a mockery of marriage" makes you guys look overly sanctimonious and judgemental.

I mean.. if you actually don't LIKE them then don't go, sure. But marriage means different things to different people. If the bride already knows BIL isn't faithful and she still wants to get married then she's making an informed decision. Why not just go and enjoy the party and seeing relatives you might not otherwise get to see. Or.. you know, don't go but don't make it about being sanctimonious.

Rezie · 09/08/2019 08:18

It's ok not to attend. Especially if your husband doesn't since it's his brother and you are on holiday. It will probably effect your relationship with them, but seems like you are not bothered about that.

Eventhough it's a shit situation at least the bride knows what she is getting herself into.

NoSauce · 09/08/2019 08:22

As you’ve booked a holiday you won’t be going anyway. Sounds like you just want an excuse not to go tbh rather than this “ mockery of marriage “ palaver.

You just cba really.

Original poster
Mrsmememe · 09/08/2019 08:23

We aren’t close to them at all. Husband has seen far too much domestic violence and cheating between them to be able to ‘play along’.
Don’t get me wrong, we’ll always be there for BIL because he is what he is and we can’t make his decisions for him, we just don’t want to go and play happy families when we have no need to.
Maybe that makes us selfish but we are good with our decision. It’s just when other people (like grandparents) are now judging us for not going it’s like erm awkward.

OP posts:
Mamamia456 · 09/08/2019 08:27

Can't see what the problem is, you'll be on holiday, so even if you wanted to go you wouldn't be able to.

AuntyMarysBigRedPants · 09/08/2019 08:30

They are judging you ? Blimey.
It's not awkward, just tell them straight . I agree with you 100%

MadisonAvenue · 09/08/2019 08:35

Just say that you’re sorry you can’t make it but you’ll come to his next one.

TwistyTop · 09/08/2019 08:36

Tbh I would have gone anyway and fake smiled my way through, just because it's a close family wedding. But you happen to be on holiday so what can you really do? It doesn't like this farce is worth cancelling holiday plans for...

Original poster
Mrsmememe · 09/08/2019 09:08

@TwistyTop that’s pretty much our thoughts. The holiday was booked before they spring the date on us. Technically yes we could have re-scheduled it but to be honest it doesn’t seem worth it.

OP posts:
onanothertrain · 09/08/2019 09:13

I agree with bluntness although if you're good with your decision why are you asking strangers opinions.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 09/08/2019 09:23

I have a rule that I only attend weddings of people I truly love. It narrows down the whole "do I go and celebrate their wedding when the groom's a prick" conundrum. DH thinks it's brutal but it means we've enjoyed every wedding we've ever been to.

Can you just use the holiday line and pretend to be gutted you can't go? Practise your sad face in the mirror "oh, I wish we could come but the holiday was booked months ago". Don't make it about the cheating, though; nobody wants to be reminded they're marrying someone who'll break their vows inside the first thirty days.

Piffle11 · 09/08/2019 09:25

What with the DV and cheating, I would be avoiding them completely. No wonder you're not close. YANBU.

Freddiefox · 09/08/2019 09:29

Tbh I think you sound really judgemental of their relationship and it seems a bit like an opportunity to score points. If the bride is happy then it’s not for you to say it’s wrong or right

Freddiefox · 09/08/2019 09:31

I missed the part of DV, I think you should go even more so the bride doesn’t feel isolated

Cornettoninja · 09/08/2019 09:31

Stand by your choice, it’s only awkward if you’re not 100% behind your own reasoning. If you are the there is no reason for you to fee awkward, if someone else does that’s their business.

FWIW I would go. It doesn’t sound like there has been an actual fall out or like you have no relationship at all with your bil so I would go for conventions sake and to avoid unnecessary upsets. It is odd not to attend a siblings wedding.

Also it may be worth getting over the whole ‘mockery of marriage’ thing. Do your marriage the way you see fit and let others do theirs. It’s their mess to manage however they want.

Passthecherrycoke · 09/08/2019 09:33

For a sibling, you should play along every time. But it’s not your husband asking, so I guess you just have to go along with whatever he wants

Original poster
Mrsmememe · 09/08/2019 09:47

For the record on the DV please don’t assume it’s the bride who is the injured party. It’s one of the reasons we are not close.

OP posts:
Knittingnanny · 09/08/2019 09:52

I wouldn’t bother to go. I was invited to a golden wedding party last summer but didn’t go as the husband has had numerous affairs and tried it on with every female friend he has, including me. Even though his wife probably knows, I’ve no interest in “celebrating “ with them .

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 09/08/2019 09:55

I wouldn't call it cheating if the other person knows about it, especially if she is not only willing to continue the relationship but wants to formalise it by marriage. But if you don't want to go, don't go (although perhaps cut out the judgmentalism).

Fgsdl · 09/08/2019 09:58

If there is domestic violence and he's treating her in a really unhealthy way i think you need to tell her parentstheb it would be up to them to do what they need with that information. He sounds very toxic and marriage will only trap her more. I think you're right not to play along with something that looks like it will be quite damaging for both the bride and groom.

user1480880826 · 09/08/2019 10:03

A holiday sounds like a much better idea.
The wedding sounds awful and you’re better avoiding the drama.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 09/08/2019 10:09

Up to them who they invite.

Up to the prospective guests whether they accept or decline.

I've never understood the level of angst that accompanies this very straightforward process. If someone declines an invitation their reasons are their own business, they don't need to prepare a complicated defence of them or set forward any kind of principled stance.

If I were hosting an event I'd far rather have willing attendees than people who were there under sufferance. (Incidentally, those 'save the date' cards are awful, especially when they eventually only manifest as an evening invitation).

As is so often said on these boards, it's not a summons.