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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed with his relaxed attitude?

76 replies

rentingSucks · 09/08/2019 07:20

So my partner and I decided to start trying for a baby last month. I was a little unsure about the timings for a few reasons but was ultimately convinced. The next few months wouldn't be bad timing for me for career and personal reasons so it made no sense to keep putting this off.

But here comes the problem, my partner is too relaxed about trying! He just seems to want nature to take its course and not think about optimal times for trying. So last month, due to being tired, away for work, and on a extended family holiday we only did it twice, neither time anywhere near ovulation, yet he thinks there is a decent chance (there isn't as my period just came a few days early).

I feel this is unfair - he isn't the one who is putting their life on hold, having to take vitamins, or think about their drinking at events. Is it really unreasonable to want him to be a bit more open to trying on times when I know there should be a better chance?

OP posts:

Thistles24 · 09/08/2019 07:23

Do you think he’s ready for a baby OP? It could be that, or it could be the pressure he’s feeling, if you’ve suddenly started saying you need to have sex on certain days and it’s suddenly a military operation rather than fun?

Sirzy · 09/08/2019 07:28

It sounds like you want to try to fit having a baby into a specific time slot around work whereas he is wanting to take a more relaxed attitude. I don’t think either of necessarily wrong and your approach may well make it a lot more clinical and less fun!

Pineapple1 · 09/08/2019 07:31

Op. You have made it sounds like it's only going to effect you. You are being unreasonable.

Don't just tell him it's sexy time because your eggs are probably ready to go... Funnily enough that's a turn off.

Florencenotflo · 09/08/2019 07:34

Does he actually know that there is a very short fertile window every month? Despite doing biology at school my DH thought you could get pregnant at any time 🙄😂

And like pineapple said, maybe just don't tell him it's your fertile window, make it seem spontaneous.

Original poster

rentingSucks · 09/08/2019 07:37

@Florencenotflo yep he totally thinks the timing won’t matter. Happy to making it spontaneous to him, but his libido is so low that once or twice a month is the usual for us and I feel that’s just not going to work...

OP posts:

AwfulMum123 · 09/08/2019 07:43

I was the same as you. I saw deciding to ‘try’ for a baby as an active thing that needed thought and effort, not just a case of stopping using contraception and ‘seeing what happens’. There were a few reasons for this but mainly, like you, I wanted it to happen quickly so I wasn’t in a state of limbo all the time (vitamins, folic acid, two week windows, laying off the wine etc) but also our ages. My DH was 40 and I was 35 so I felt that once the decision had been made I wanted to put a bit more, err, ‘effort’ in.

I think most men are not fully aware of the ovulation cycle so do genuinely think every time they have sex there is an equal chance of a baby. I didn’t make it clinical, I just ramped up my ‘advances’ when it was the right time to try and left him to make more of the advances when it wasn’t! Worked for us and he is none the wiser!

NoSauce · 09/08/2019 07:45

Trying for a baby is a huge turn off for some men.

newmomof1 · 09/08/2019 07:46

You clearly haven't talked this through.

Some people choose to track their ovulation, eat the right things, etc etc and it still doesn't happen for a long time. Sex can become a chore and it can take its toll on a relationship.

Others choose to be much more relaxed, like your DP. You can continue to enjoy life with no pressures and let it happen when it happens.

You can't force conception into how busy your life is at the moment.

I personally think he has the right idea.
You seem to resent having to make sacrifices - are you sure you're even ready for a baby?

tomatoesandstew · 09/08/2019 07:48

Is it the general dynamic in your relationship that you are more organised and proactive and he is more laid back/ secretely worried about not performing/ burying head in sand.

If so and speaking from experience baby making tends to lead to a viscious circle of escalation in one persons desire to be mission focussed and the other avoiding it.

i know this is difficult to do in practice - i found getting a bunch of hobbies and doing new things helped e immensely. It also came out later that the OH apparent indifference to planning was more a big fear of failure.

Also i would say - maybe for first six months do try and relax about it - throw away all ovulation kits and calenders - they will stress you out more than him - concentrate on having fun in your life regardless of whether you make a baby at this stage.

Original poster

rentingSucks · 09/08/2019 13:47

Thanks for the replies, there are some good perspectives here! I am the planner in the relationship so find it hard to be in this limbo state whilst it’s probably no stress for him.

I’m not wanting to chart or do ovulation kits or anything that extreme yet, I just wish he was a little more open to upping our frequency! I find it hard to be more relaxed because it is impacting on how I live my life - I would love to change jobs but then would loose my paid parental leave until I complete 12 months service at a new company. And planned holidays become confusing, is it safe to do snow sports whilst trying to conceive - I assume not

OP posts:

lunaland · 09/08/2019 14:44

This happened to me op! My husband has been ready for kids for a while and then I decided I was ready too. I worked out ovulation dates and did research into conception etc but he didn't want to know. After the first month, we'd only had sex 3 times all away from ovulation, he expected me to be pregnant!

In the end I explained, with diagrams, ovulation, how fertilisation of an egg was achieved etc and gave statistics on rates of conception.

Thank fully he listened and the second month of trying we tried on my ovulation dates and I did actually get pregnant. on a side note I was shocked it happened so quickly- I was expecting for it to take at least a year!

needsome · 09/08/2019 14:50

We never scheduled it as such as we didn't want to feel pressured (I found it a turn off).

The incentive for us was not using condoms as we liked it much better without

I planned to get pregnant within the year or slightly over and it ended up being MUCH sooner than that.

Hooferdoofer37 · 09/08/2019 14:52

How old is your partner?

Is he honestly ready for the change in lifestyle that a baby will bring?

Have you discussed what's going to happen after the baby is here, will he be a SAHP or continue to work? Will he be doing childcare pick ups or drops offs/taking time off for sick child etc?

If he doesn't even take the time out to understand a woman's ovulation cycle, these fairly simply matters could become huge issues when the baby arrives.

lunaland · 09/08/2019 14:59

To me there is a difference between trying for a baby and just seeing what happens without contraception.

Scuttlingherbert · 09/08/2019 16:48

I think the messages about the importance of safe sex from our childhoods/teenage years have given lots of people (men and women) the impression that you can get pregnant at any time in the cycle.
My otherwise intelligent boyfriend is only just starting to retain information about ovulation, after being shown my monthly cycle app every month for a year.

dollydaydream114 · 09/08/2019 16:49

I think sometimes people have very different ideas about what 'trying for a baby' actually means. To some people, it's coming off the pill and just waiting to see what happens. For others, it's mandatory scheduled shags and ovulation charts. Sounds like your DH is in the former camp while you're in the latter.

Does he definitely really want a baby? Or is it possible that he just feels a bit under pressure because he knows you want one?

Pinkout · 09/08/2019 16:53

Yeah I don’t think it helps that people genuinely believe you can get pregnant at any point during your cycle. For the vast majority of women there’s a 5-7 day fertile window mid cycle. The rest of the month there’s no chance at all.

I wouldn’t bother informing him you are ovulating, just try it on with him during your fertile week.

Original poster

rentingSucks · 10/08/2019 06:02

@dollydaydream114 it’s interesting that it is assumed that the pressure is coming from me! I was the one who was happy to wait a year or possibly more whilst he felt we were getting to old. I guess that makes he’s chilledness more confusing to me!

OP posts:

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 10/08/2019 06:15

How old are you? I can’t think of a bigger turn off than optimal times for trying so unless you are getting on a bit or have known fertility issues, why not just go with the flow?

barryfromclareisfit · 10/08/2019 08:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

rentingSucks · 10/08/2019 23:39

Wow @barryfromclareisfit a blessing? That’s a bit harsh. I have no plans to get married and see no issue with that

OP posts:

barryfromclareisfit · 10/08/2019 23:58

I mean this kindly - do give it some thought. We read thread after thread here on ‘I’ve given him three kids, why hasn’t he proposed?’ and ‘I told him I didn’t want to get married but now, with twins and a newborn, I do’.

Crunchymum · 11/08/2019 00:08

I remember sobbing and screaming at my DP as he had scheduled a night out on ovulation day (we'd had 3 miscarriages, were under the recurrent miscarriage clinic and ttc had become a real chore!!) and he had to gently explain how sex on demand didn't work for him.

We now have 3 children..... and very little sex

thecatinthetwat · 11/08/2019 00:19

is it safe to do snow sports whilst trying to conceive - I assume not

I would of thought it was fine. Do what you want to do. Change jobs if you want, try again 3 months later or whenever you would qualify. Don’t put your life on hold, it could take years at the rate your oh is going

Graphista · 11/08/2019 00:56

You've literally JUST started trying do YOU even know when you ovulate?

Most people get it wrong to be honest and fail to take account of the fact that our bodies are natural and like anything in nature don't run to a clock!

Very few women ovulate at the same time EVERY month.

I'm going to repeat a comment I've made on several similar threads, my memory of seeing dr Robert Winston on telly explaining that many of the couples referred for investigations for apparent fertility issues actually have nothing wrong with them but aren't having sex often, mistakenly restricting sense to when they THINK they are ovulating and often leading unhealthy lifestyles which impede fertility but which are easily remedied by simply leading healthier lives.

And it's been borne out by my own experience by which I mean not only my own history (1st pregnancy on pill, 2nd & 3rd pregnancies got pregnant in less than 3 months) but also that of family and friends - those who lead healthier lives and had lots of sex regardless of if they thought it a fertile window got pregnant quickly, those who didn't have recognised fertility issues but who took longer to get pregnant were the ones fixated on concentrating on having sex at what they thought was their fertile window. Even opks have a margin of error.

Also remember stress - or more accurately behaviours in response to stress - can impede fertility too.

A relaxed approach is generally beneficial but I agree that needs to include having plenty of sex. Because one thing we do know - sex causes pregnancy!

How old is he? The low libido is an issue and unusual as I'm guessing you're both fairly young?

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