Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To be annoyed with his relaxed attitude?

76 replies

rentingSucks · 09/08/2019 07:20

So my partner and I decided to start trying for a baby last month. I was a little unsure about the timings for a few reasons but was ultimately convinced. The next few months wouldn't be bad timing for me for career and personal reasons so it made no sense to keep putting this off.

But here comes the problem, my partner is too relaxed about trying! He just seems to want nature to take its course and not think about optimal times for trying. So last month, due to being tired, away for work, and on a extended family holiday we only did it twice, neither time anywhere near ovulation, yet he thinks there is a decent chance (there isn't as my period just came a few days early).

I feel this is unfair - he isn't the one who is putting their life on hold, having to take vitamins, or think about their drinking at events. Is it really unreasonable to want him to be a bit more open to trying on times when I know there should be a better chance?

OP posts:

Cheeserton · 11/08/2019 01:49

Blimey. Twice a month is certainly not just a 'relaxed attitude' problem.

Mintjulia · 11/08/2019 02:21

Why does conceiving have to be done to a plan. Sex to a schedule sounds joyless to me. What happens to spontaneity? Why can’t you come off contraception and then just live your normal life, without all that stress?

JustbeaDentist · 11/08/2019 04:23

Use a period app to track your cycles so you know when you'll probably be ovulating. But you still need to be shagging every other day to ensure the sperm is good quality.
Either he's not actually as ready as he suggested or he's no idea how fertility works.

BritWifeinUSA · 11/08/2019 04:36

Perhaps he is concerned that you only want sex now to have a baby and not because you enjoy having sex with him.

There’s not much that is less romantic than scheduled sex. I went through years of fertility treatments and there’s nothing worse for a relationship than feeling that sex is just to make sperm and egg meet. It’s very clinical and unfulfilling.

Jemima232 · 11/08/2019 04:42

I have to agree that marriage is important if you're bringing a baby into your life, OP.

You need to give it some consideration. You have far more protection legally if you split up, that's why.

toadabode · 11/08/2019 04:49

@rentingSucks are you sure you're ready for a baby? You seem uptight about the smallest of lifestyle changes you're planning to make whilst trying to conceive. Having a baby is full on and comes with a whole load of unpredictability and sacrifice. The things you're talking about are a drop in the ocean.

SaraNade · 11/08/2019 05:10

I agree with barryfromclareisfit tbh. Cart before the horse in opinion. There was a thread on here several months back how a mother is stuffed without the legal protections of marriage, in the death of a spouse, and vice versa. And he has no commitment to you, so why plan to bring a child into this world with a man who has no commitment to you. I'd be like to my partner if he wanted a child, hello, where is my engagement ring first, wiggling my ring finger, then come talk to me about babies. It might be 2019, but some things are still very very important. I wouldn't settle for a man who didn't think enough of me to commit to me, before he suggested having a baby, I would find it insulting. Can't/won't commit to me, but wants a baby? I'm a bit sassy but I think self-respect and putting self-worth on yourself is important. @barryfromclareisfit is exactly right, even if this attitude is sadly becoming less fashionable.

SaraNade · 11/08/2019 05:11

*Hurriedly exits/hides this thread before I get rotten tomatoes hurled at me.

Jemima232 · 11/08/2019 05:14

I won't throw any tomatoes at you SaraNade because you're absolutely right.

Marriage first.

Then bab(ies)

HungryForSnacks · 11/08/2019 06:05

@SaraNade "I'd be like to my partner if he wanted a child, hello, where is my engagement ring first, wiggling my ring finger, then come talk to me about babies."

Ick, this made me cringe. Not every woman is gagging to get married you know. I won't throw tomatoes at you but I think your view is very outdated.

Anyway, I digress.

OP, I feel your pain. You're the one who has to take the vitamins, holding off looking for a new job, considering timings etc. Sometimes it really does feel like you're putting your life on hold while TTC.

I would follow PP advice of knowing the rough window in your head and then make the moves on your partner during that period (every couple of days). He doesn't necessarily need to know the exact dates. Try to keep it subtle. I know it's tricky with a busy schedule and work trips etc but seems like that might be the best approach for now.

WhyBirdStop · 11/08/2019 07:49

So you're in no rush, why the need for avenues, tracking ovulation etc? Surely his way should suit you? Much like other posters I just came off the pill, we had sex when we felt like it, which wasn't actually that often add I was working away a lot and I was pregnant in less than 3 months and that was with diagnosed PCOS. I couldn't think of anything worst than sex to schedule and I'm a planner. I get it if you've been trying for a year or so, mornings happening and you want to ensure there are no fertility issues, but you've literally only just discussed TTC, this is the way madness lies.

WhyBirdStop · 11/08/2019 07:50

Taking a vitamin once a day really isn't such a big thing and most doctors would tell you that lots and lots of women have had a few drinks before realising they're pregnant. Work, of you want a new job tell your DP you're going back on the pill until you've been in a new job for a year.

WhyBirdStop · 11/08/2019 07:53

I do actually agree about marriage too, unless you are financially independent and could afford to raise a child and work. Look how many threads there are where the woman is in a precarious financial position because he's the higher earner after mat leave/party time working and they're not married. Even the thread on euromillions how many women said they'd leave their partner of they won the lottery and were no longer financially dependant. So actually I don't think it's an old fashioned notion to marry before babies.

Fatted · 11/08/2019 08:09

Honestly OP, stop putting your life on hold. I didn't take pre-pregnancy vitamins. I didn't stop drinking. (I accidentally got shit faced while pregnant with DS1). I kept applying for new jobs. I certainly wouldn't not go on holiday while TTC. I never did any of the OPKs etc. We just DTD 2-3 times a week.

You do need to be having more sex being frank. But I wouldn't approach it from the angle of 'we need to have more sex so I can get pregnant to fit in with the optimum window of when it suits my life'. Both of your attitude needs to be 'Let's have more sex because it's fun and we enjoy it'.

Original poster

rentingSucks · 11/08/2019 10:42

@SaraNade I have no interest in getting married. We have been together for 10 years - he has asked and I have said no. I have plenty of self respect and self worth so am not sure what marriage has to do with any of this! We are a de facto couple so have the same rights as married couples and we earn roughly the same anyway.

OP posts:

RevealTheLegend · 11/08/2019 10:47

We are a de facto couple so have the same rights as married couples

Oh dear...

Are you in the UK?

Original poster

rentingSucks · 11/08/2019 10:49

Thanks for all the input everyone! I think I did a bad job explaining in my OP that I don't want him to have to know when I'm ovulating, just more that you can't have sex right near the start or end of my cycle and expect that to work!

I am certainly going to try and be more chill about it (it's hard cause im a planner!) but we need to up our frequency regardless, stop letting work and tiredness get in the way haha

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 11/08/2019 10:51

What's a 'de facto couple'?

Ninkaninus · 11/08/2019 10:55

Uhm you really don’t have the same rights as a married couple (if you’re in the U.K.). And I agree, I would definitely not be bringing children into the world unless I had the security of marriage, for them and for myself.

Fruitchouli · 11/08/2019 10:56

Two things strike me here.

Why don’t you want to get married? You certainly do not have the same rights as a married woman under British law and if you go ahead and have children and the relationship breaks down, you will find that out the hard way. In your situation I’d do a bit more research on the matter before committing to children.

And are you generally happy with such infrequent sex, aside from the conceiving issue?

I’m sorry if these questions are intrusive or seem harsh, but they just jump out of your OP as concerns in this situation.

Oldraver · 11/08/2019 11:02

If he thinks the timing wont matter then has he had any sex education ? . I know in the 90's it was off the curricilum for a while so I think there are a whole load of people who dont actually know when a woman is fertile. I know I had to explain to a friend of mine who had very little sex ed.

I think you need to tell him the window of opportunity is very limited, twice a month no way near ovulation isnt going to work. Then leave him to decide how much he wants this

Original poster

rentingSucks · 11/08/2019 11:31

@RevealTheLegend we are not in the U.K.

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 11/08/2019 11:56

What country are you in?

Alexkate2468 · 11/08/2019 12:02

You only decided to start trying last month. Once you’re pregnant, you’re still going to have to watch your health/vitamins/lifestyle more than he is. Also at the end of the pregnancy you’re going to have a baby that is going to change your life forever and put aspects of it on hold for a very long time. If you’re struggling one month into trying for a baby, what are you going to do if it takes years?
I think you and dp need to sit down and really think this through together.

Waveysnail · 11/08/2019 12:04

Could u have date night once a month around ovulation so its planned sex but once iykwim

Flip

1 2 3 4