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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the man in I am Nicola wasn't too bad behavior wise

38 replies

WantingMoreFromLife · 08/08/2019 21:48

I watched I am Nicola last night. Having just come out of a 17 year relationship with a loving but controlling man, I thought something would 'click' and I would be rid of my self doubt over leaving this relationship. My ex had MH issues too so overall, his behavior has probably been pretty extreme but AIBU to not have felt that the man in that show, wasn't that bad? Please don't slam me if my perspective is way off - 17 years is a long time to be in a difficult relationship and I'm just hoping to confirm that I have been minimizing my ex's behaviour.

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 08/08/2019 21:51

Depends what you mean by 'too bad'.

I thought the point was to show he wasn't cartoon-character awful, he never hit her, etc. etc., but he was just constantly wrong-footing her and doing that horrible fake-nice act, and undermining her in front of her friends.

The bit I did find a little forced was when her friend's husband immediately ticked him off for not saying something nicer to her at their BBQ, and I admit I thought that seemed a bit unrealistic (I would imagine most people would bristle a bit at someone saying what he said).

Still, though, overall it felt very realistic to me.

Juanmorebeer · 08/08/2019 21:51

Yes YABU he was very controlling and abusive. Sorry to hear what you went through but glad you are out x

Dancinggertrude · 08/08/2019 21:53

There is another thread on this , lots of people thought it wasn’t an accurate representation of coercive control and then others argued it was perfectly accurate for them .

Original poster
WantingMoreFromLife · 08/08/2019 22:10

Thanks Dancinggertrude. I will search for it and have a read. I could certainly relate to some parts of it but I do think that I am somewhat conditioned to accept things as normal when they aren't - hence the reason for my post.

OP posts:
twattymctwatterson · 08/08/2019 22:29

I think you should do the freedom programme

WobbleTime · 08/08/2019 22:35

I watched it and thought it was very weak as a demonstration of coercive control.
Having been a victim of this, I was expecting to identify with Nicola and I didn’t at all. Plus, she walked away at the end. With no fear. For me, that’s not in the slightest bit realistic.
You are not being unreasonable at all. Or if you are, so am I!!

WobbleTime · 08/08/2019 22:35

(Oh and I’ve done the Freedom programme.)

Dancinggertrude · 08/08/2019 22:36

i agree

TellerTuesday4EVA · 08/08/2019 22:38

I agree, I kept thinking his behaviour would worsen over the episode

SarahAndQuack · 09/08/2019 09:08

Did she walk away? I don't think we know if she did.

MzHz · 09/08/2019 10:48

I have not seen it, but in my opinion it’s important for programme makers to NOT make depictions of abuse too extreme because then a huge number of people won’t recognise lower level abuse in their own lives and start to come round to the idea that they aren’t in a healthy place themselves.

Abusers escalate their behaviour. It could mean that someone gets free sooner than they would if they waited until they saw an account of someone suffering extreme abuse

In my experience (ex dc survivor) it’s not the acts of violence that do the lasting damage, it’s the tiny, niggly nasty stuff that messes with your head, depletes your courage and resolve and erodes your strength to save yourself.

Any media exposure to unhealthy behaviour that helps someone make a change to be safer is to be encouraged

This is not a closed subject, the message will need repetition again and again to keep helping those who find themselves victims of abusers

daddyorchipsdaddyorchips · 09/08/2019 13:45

I feel pretty shocked (and saddened) that some people found his behaviour 'not too bad'.

I was horrified by almost everything he did, alarm bells were blaring from the outset.

But, perhaps this is because I am not (nor ever have been) in a controlling relationship and so this was totally alien.

Of course, I understand that it was just the tip of the iceberg of abuse that some people experience, it absolutely is not representative of any kind of healthy, balanced, equal, loving relationship.

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 09/08/2019 13:49

I think this was the point. So many peoeple think abuse = being hit, which makes it 100x harder for women to leave an abusive relationship that doesn't involve physical violence. The film is showing that abuse can be "subtle" and is still abuse.

SarahAndQuack · 09/08/2019 14:01

YY, I agree so much with that @MzHz. I was really disturbed so many people (in responses in general, and reviews) seem almost to be playing Top Trumps, with a lot of 'oh I went through worse so it was ok' or 'oh, she didn't seem scared so it's fine'. FWIW I thought she very much did seem scared - she was really scared he would kill himself. I mean, if she wasn't scared he'd do something, why did she not just shrug and go to her mum's?

I also think there's something awful about feeling constantly as if your sense of self is being beaten down, that you're constantly adapting to your partner playing with your emotions. That may not result in you fearing them, but it is horrible, and very damaging.

Uraflutteringcunt · 09/08/2019 14:05

He was bad. She wasn’t great either because she put a lot of emphasis on him making her life better, was avoidant at times herself. It was a toxic relationship and he was most definitely worse, but i thought it was quite accurate in places.

Merryoldgoat · 09/08/2019 14:09

I have zero idea of whether it’s an accurate portrayal of coercive control but he was awful so YABVU.

The idea you could think the control and manipulation he demonstrated wasn’t ‘that bad’ is awful.

Metalhead · 09/08/2019 14:09

I just watched the first 10 minutes of this and already I’m thinking how awful he is! Guilt tripping her into not going out and making snide little comments about the shopping not being done. Anyone who thinks this isn’t too bad has a very skewed view of what a normal, healthy relationship should look like IMO.

SarahAndQuack · 09/08/2019 14:10

See, I thought you were meant to think that initially - that it was all her expecting him to do something nice and not expecting to do it herself.

But then they showed him offering to do something nice, and then he didn't do it - once with the cooking dinner and once with the holiday. And the dinner he passed off as 'oh, but you do it much better' smarm, and she ended up turning to to make dinner.

I think that's what so exhausting about the sort of person he was. They get all the credit for making a nice suggestion of something they'll do, and they bask in it, and you get hopeful, and then nothing comes of it.

CitadelsofScience · 09/08/2019 14:17

No he was awful, a decent person does not do or say the things he did and then try and turn it back on the woman.

daddyorchipsdaddyorchips · 09/08/2019 14:55

I just want to say that if you think that the behaviour displayed by the partner in this programme was not bad, or acceptable in any way, then you really need to speak to someone (Freedom Programme or similar) about your boundaries, self-esteem and red flag awareness.

MzHz · 09/08/2019 15:00

I found in my journey back to me that MY reality was less shocking to me than it was to other fellow victims and their stories shocked and upset me more than they did them.

We end up normalising everything but abuse of others isn’t our reality so that’s what jars with us.

Remember too that abuse victims are often created by their upbringing- parents treating them like crap, taught they aren’t good enough etc etc, so not to expect anyone to love them - our normal in these circumstances is already conditioned abuse

Waxonwaxoff0 · 09/08/2019 15:14

I thought his behaviour was absolutely awful.

For context, I have never been in an abusive or controlling relationship so I don't know if it was an accurate portrayal of that or not but I am very strong when it comes to what I will and won't put up with in a relationship. The moment he started questioning her about what she was wearing to the gym was the moment that I would have been out the door. That is not acceptable behaviour.

Cosmos45 · 09/08/2019 15:22

I too thought the behaviour was truly awful and had to stop watching when she was going to go out the gym and he stopped her from going. I had to switch off at that point because I was getting so angry and distressed. I guess I have not been subject to coercive behaviour.. I too am very strong about what I would put up with, and whilst I realise coercive control is very insidious I couldn't see me putting up with that kind of behaviour. Dreadful

SarahAndQuack · 09/08/2019 15:27

I feel a bit uncomfortable with the idea it's about being 'strong'.

You wouldn't go around saying 'some women in relationships are beaten up, but personally I'm strong so it wouldn't happen to me'.

One of the things I thought was good about this programme was showing that, even though she didn't have any obvious 'thing' keeping her there - she had a job; she didn't have kids; she had a support network in that she had her mum and her friend - she still didn't feel able to leave. People often say 'oh, I'd just leave,' but I thought it showed how, emotionally, it really isn't that easy.

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