To think that the man in I am Nicola wasn't too bad behavior wise

[WantingMoreFromLife]

I watched I am Nicola last night. Having just come out of a 17 year relationship with a loving but controlling man, I thought something would 'click' and I would be rid of my self doubt over leaving this relationship. My ex had MH issues too so overall, his behavior has probably been pretty extreme but AIBU to not have felt that the man in that show, wasn't that bad? Please don't slam me if my perspective is way off - 17 years is a long time to be in a difficult relationship and I'm just hoping to confirm that I have been minimizing my ex's behaviour.

Yes SarahAndQuack I agree I could have put that in a better way.

At the end, where we saw her walking across the wide open park I fully expected him to appear out of nowhere to attack/kill her. But as a PP has said it was subtle - exactly the sort of abuse that observers and even partners subjected to it might question whether 'it was all that bad?'

I thought he was awful. It made me feel peculiar watching it.

No worries, wax, was just thinking aloud about it.

mouse - YY, I had exactly that feeling! I think because the camera angles had been so close-in right up to them, it felt almost weird there was so much open space, almost scary. Very good TV despite being awful in subject matter.

I agree with you OP. I found the man to be weak and insecure rather than purposefully abusive.

To be a realistic portrayal of coercive control, it really needs to have a postscript detailing the very long, expensive and mentally taxing family court battle she suffered after leaving the bastard (with odds on her chance of a reasonable child and finances outcome) as well as the years of battles afterward.

No one leaves one of these men and simply walks away. It doesn't work like that.

I am a daughter of an coercively controlling father and I watched this twice. The first time I thought it was very ‘mild’ and scoffed a bit as I felt the bits where he was apologetic were unrealistic (but this is only in my experience). However I watched it again and talked about it and I actually think that it was a good portrayal of the ‘needy’ style of tactics that some abusers use. Not so much the aggressive types but the snivelling and guilt tripping types. Ultimately an abuser will control you with whatever means he can. The aim is that he stops you from going out, it doesn’t matter to him if he uses his fists or a guilt trip, as long as he achieves the control.

RocknRoll I think you've put it very succinctly.

Control is control no matter how it's achieved. If, in this case, the woman is gradually withdrawing from society, changing her clothing etc and it's done bu guilting them then it's still coercive control.

I watched it twice too and still have it on the hard drive to watch with dd 20 so she's fully aware in the world of men and relationships, just how subtle it can be.

Caveat: I haven't yet watched the mentioned programme.

I've been in 2 abusive relationships, the first involved both coercive control and physical violence. I had no idea at the time that leaving him may have been the point at which I was most physically at risk - I ended it at a time and place where I was probably at lower risk, and by that time he had moved about 3 hours away (I was supposed to join him later but never did), but apart from a few phone calls where he pleaded with me to go back to him, I didn't see him again until years later.
The second relationship involved no physical violence but probably more coercive control. When I ended things and went to stay with a friend, his behaviour did not escalate - in fact he just cut me off and I never saw him or spoke to him again (made it hard to get my stuff from his house but his mum got it for me!).

My point is that although abusive relationships do tend to follow certain patterns, how an abuser acts may not be exactly how all abusers act, and therefore examples on TV may look different to or may not meet the expectations that we have regarding an abusive or coercive relationship.

These relationships were over 20 years ago, and I realised just a couple of years ago that I have spent the intervening years minimising how awful these men were to me, comparing my experiences with those of women suffering domestic violence in TV shows or in the media and feeling that perhaps my experiences were not so terrible after all because they were nothing like the experiences portrayed in the media. Had I seen more examples of less extreme domestic violence or coercive control portrayed on TV, perhaps I wouldn't have minimised these experiences and I might have sort help for the trauma and ongoing effect on my mental health sooner.

Thanks for your comments everyone. I am currently full of self doubt. Self doubt over whether I can help my ex with his MH. Self doubt over whether he is too controlling. Logically I know that controlling behaviour is not on at all but my ex's MH was the main cause of his problems. I'm trying to find a movie or a show that I can relate to so I can say - yes! I'm done. I guess it's a tricky situation to be in - my ex's psychiatrist told me the other day that without treatment (note that my ex is in denial which is part of his MH condition) that he will not get better and he strongly recommends not reconciling. Yes - I know this is a bright red flag that should give me the answer but shouldn't someone be fighting for their loved one's MH? Hope I don't sound pathetic with this post.

What more proof do you want?

He’s not even got mh issues because he is who he is and doesn’t want to change!

Do NOT reconcile with him.

I know it’s hard to stand where you are and worry about the future AFTER him, but I promise you, it will be better than you can ever imagine.

His MH is not your responsibility.
His HAPPINESS is not your responsibility.

We are all are responsible for our own health and well-being. Nobody else can fix us.

the best thing you can do for yourself is to ONLY allow those who are positively good forces in your life. Fight for your own life, your own family and your own future.

Trust me - it’s ruthless but in the end you only have those in your life who value you and want to see you happy

You do understand how ridiculously rare it is for a therapist to tell you to leave their own patient?! They are telling you loud and clear to save yourself. That this person isn’t going to change.

In fact, it might be that you leaving him might be something to make him think about how he needs to change. Carrying on will validate his situation so he’ll never need to change.

If you go back to him it’ll be more of the same for as long as you live

You know he’s a bad partner- don’t waste another moment on him, find your love, find your happiness and rise!

Sweet Jesus.

His PSYCHIATRIST told you not to reconcile. What more do you need?

He has severe enough MH problems that he sees a professional yet is in denial - he’d rather you were unhappy than change his behaviour.

You don’t need a program to relate to - spend the morning reading through some of the threads on the Relationship Board if you want a glimpse into what life will be like if you don’t free yourself from him.

@WantingMoreFromLife are you a psychologist or a psychiatrist? If norm then you can’t help him with his MH, he need professional help. Allow him to access that and work on his own issues and let his friends, family and colleagues support him.

Please do the freedom programme.

Criminal Justice with Maxine Peake is available on BBC iplayer, I remember watching it years ago and sobbing after it ended, I'd been in an abusive relationship for over ten years then.