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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell anyone about my wedding venue?

43 replies

HeresMyBrightIdea · 08/08/2019 11:58

I suspect I am...

Long story short, I'm completely orphaned. I'd have preferred to elope, but fiancé would like to have family & friends there and we came up with some compromises that suit us. He's a legend.

He's an only child so his parents have wanted to be very involved. Despite telling us to do what we wanted, they have managed to ruin our first choice... they kept picking faults, printed us pages of information on why it'd be difficult, collected random family members' opinions, suggested alternate ideas... Fiancé is still happy to go ahead but I'm now very aware that his parents would be unhappy, so I can't bring myself to do it.

We've found somewhere else that we both love. I'm about to pay the deposit. I don't want to tell them where it is. They're retired and the type to go and look at it immediately, to give us all their thoughts... I'm quite enjoying it being a secret right now, just me and DP know, nobody can ruin it!

It might be worth saying that I'm quite stressed at the moment and I have bipolar which is alright but not as good as normal. And that everyone, EVERYONE, is giving me opinions on every possible thing.

DP seems fine with not saying anything for a while. His parents will presume we're going along with the first option and so probably won't outright ask. Is it unreasonable to keep that up for a while?

They are really nice people. Just... a bit oddly full on about their son getting married. They couldn't, overall, have been any nicer to me or invited me into their family any more. It's just this issue.

OP posts:
Bumbags · 08/08/2019 12:01

Your wedding
Your secret......for now.

Don’t say anything and then feign ignorance when you realise they didn’t know the venue had changed.

Chickychoccyegg · 08/08/2019 12:26

I'd enjoy keeping it secret for a while x

KUGA · 08/08/2019 12:41

Totally agree with above comments.
Enjoy your day both
Congratulations.

Piffle11 · 08/08/2019 12:44

They don't sound that nice … printing out pages of info as to why your choice is wrong??! That's actually rather weird. I'd keep it to yourself, esp if your fiancé is on board.

Thehop · 08/08/2019 12:44

My friends have just kept their whole wedding a surprise for on the day! Invited everyone to the register office then had a bus to take people to reception!

Mileysmiley · 08/08/2019 12:44

It's your wedding so you can do exactly what you want. My Mother took over my wedding and invited all my Dads work colleagues who I didn't even know. I vowed that when my daughter got married I would keep my nose out and I did,

Honeyroar · 08/08/2019 12:44

Sounds like a good plan.

FinallyHere · 08/08/2019 12:46

DSS1 gave us very good advice when we mentioned we were getting married ...

Your day, your way. Hope that helps stiffen your resolve.

Perch · 08/08/2019 12:47

They sound really overbearing! If they’re like this about a wedding, imagine baby names, feeding choices, decisions about raising your kids... you really need to set boundaries NOW and start as you mean to go on x

MatildaTheCat · 08/08/2019 12:48

Yes keep it a secret for a while. When you do tell them say that you really appreciated their previous input and it helped you decide on this venue but now it is booked, you are both very happy and so, please, no negative views or investigations. Changing is not up for discussion.

Then ask their views on something else you will agree on like colour schemes. It’s nice they are interested and you get on so go easy.

Lazydaisies · 08/08/2019 12:50

I think you had the right idea at the start, however now I think you have another great idea. I would tell them when the invites go out same as everyone else.

PhDone · 08/08/2019 12:55

One of the things I'm glad we did with ours was book the venue quite early, and pay for it. Then there was no discussion possible, it was presented as a "done deal"!

EileenAlanna · 08/08/2019 13:05

Keep it secret for as long as you want, this is your wedding.
I'd suggest having a serious discussion with your DP now, before the wedding, about how you & he see the level of involvement his parents would have in your future life. So often on MN there are threads about in-laws, especially MILs disrespecting boundaries. As an only child your DP is the focus of their attention & they & he could easily have become accustomed to a relationship that's too close & involved to sit comfortably with your married life unless there are clear changes coming from both of you, as a united front.
Without parents of your own to balance out who you spend time with & when you're likely to become swamped by his parents. Don't just assume you & DP will be on the same page - although you may well be - without a sensible talk. Have a look through some of the threads here about husbands who won't or can't cut the apron strings when they marry, and how much unhappiness that causes.
Congratulations on the coming wedding though Flowers

Grumpyunleashed · 08/08/2019 13:06

Wife & I went to Gretna Green on a B&B touring holiday through North England and South Scotland. We told and invited no one. Did exactly what we wanted. Lovely.
When we got home we told families and that was that. No faff, no party and job done exactly how we wanted.

Basically my point is that it’s your and his day. Anyone else can be told to “back off”. Or if you went to the same school of charm and diplomacy that I did “Shut your fucking face, it’s our life and our decision, your comments are not welcome and I suggest you bear this in mind if you want to come”!!!!!!

Alternatively if you do not want a private ceremony and do not want the sheer cathartic release of the Grumpyunleashed explosion then treat them exactly as they have treated you. I.e. an A4 sheet spelling out exactly how they made you feel when they brutalised your choices, undermined your confidence and made you feel pushed into actually having to conceal the venue so you did not have to deal with their bitchiness when you would rather be concentrating on your wedding. They and the family need to be reminded in no uncertain terms this is not their day. It’s yours.

Oooooh it makes me even more grumpy than usual just thinking about this and I’m really very grumpy indeed.

Good luck with your day.

whatever123noname · 08/08/2019 13:07

YANBU. However, word of warning from my bitter experience...everyone has a fucking opinion on weddings. I went from chilled out super happy bride to unbelievably anxious because everyone had opinions, different ways of doing things etc. and felt they should share them with me. It turned from our romantic event to an event where we had to please everyone else (which is impossible). Now divorced for other reasons but honestly all I remember about my wedding day is how stressful it was. I'm eloping next time.

Walkingandwalking · 08/08/2019 13:14

My younger sister was like this. Nothing was suitable and everything was about her. Venue, hotel, timings, bridesmaids dresses, food... everything. We tried so hard to accommodate which created so much extra work and stress for us, but in all honesty, if I was planning it now, I wouldn’t bother. It was very much unappreciated and she has continued this pattern for every family event, gathering, meal etc where her needs always trump everyone else’s, even elderly relatives, ill friends, or those of us with babies.

Now we just don’t involve her in any plans or give her any notice. We invite her with plans firmly in place and she can choose to come or not. People need boundaries!

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 08/08/2019 13:15

You do know that the problem isn't the wedding venue, don't you OP?

The problem is that your prospective in-laws are control freaks. And if/when you have children, this can only get worse. It's the same old story told by myriad people: how many threads have you seen on Mumsnet alone to the tune of 'my MiL was fine, until DC came along ....?'

Your DP needs to be on board with this. Your best way forward is to to work out between you how to establish firm boundaries with these people; not just to keep letting things slide for an easy life, because I promise you from bitter personal experience this will result in anything but. Or, failing that, work out how to keep them at a comfortable distance.

Congratulations on your forthcoming marriage. And do whatever you have to do not to prevent anyone else from spoiling it. They've had/will have their own weddings to arrange their way. This is yours. Flowers

cakecakecheese · 08/08/2019 13:16

Fab idea. Keep it quiet for as long as possible then everyone is told where it is and when to be there and any 'helpful' criticisms will be met with 'thanks for your input but it's paid in full and we're not changing it'.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 08/08/2019 13:17

Sorry - TO prevent.

Ohyesiam · 08/08/2019 13:20

I think it would be better all round up if you just said that we s a done deal and you don’t want any opinions or negativity around it. Your fiancé needs to say this.

Atlasta · 08/08/2019 13:28

My in-laws did similar when we were looking at houses. We expressed interest in one house and they went round there to talk to the neighborsBlush. They also forced there way into the back garden and started taking pictures of what they thought was rat droppings and a broken tile.
I was beyond annoyed.
Set firm boundaries and only tell them what they need to know. Give them no room to have an imput.

WillLokireturn · 08/08/2019 13:33

You have a great plan already OP. If you love this second place, then book it and keep it quiet for a quite a while, get DFiance to agree as be won't want you to get cold feet

Once PILs know if they start a.dont read negative email/letters and mention that whilst you appreciated their interest before, you don't want organising your wedding to be stressful so other people's views especially if negative aren't helpful. My favourite phrase is " I'm going to stop you there, ... no thankyou/we don't want the stress of other people's views on our day nor of trying to please everyone which is impossible ... We'll ask if we want others' views"

Delegate them a task.youre not too worriedprried about, such as finding out where to get invites printed or where to book the wedding car from. (Ask them to research options but you choose still)

WillLokireturn · 08/08/2019 13:35

@Atlasta. 😮😮 How pushy of them! Did you buy the house in the end and tell them to butt out?

Wexone · 08/08/2019 13:56

Hi I am actually in the same boat, cancelled my wedding last year due to interference aswell as other reasons. We have booked it now for next year however have not told anyone. We want a very specific small wedding and have been to a lot of weddings already to know what we don't want. So we are organising everything on the quiet and paying deposits etc. We will tell families and everyone else about 6 months before the wedding. Yes they will have opinions and try to interfere but they won't be able to do anything as nothing can be changed then . Book where you want, don't tell them for a while.Just be strong and tell them its what you want. Don't get into any detailed conversations etc. just say it is what it is and look forward to your big day

Cheeseandwin5 · 08/08/2019 14:03

You don't need people stressing you out, if they aren't going to be supportive, than there is no need to involve them till you need to.
You need to do what's best for you and your OH.
I would maybe take a step further and tell them in stages, warning them that if they are unhelpful, their involvement will be restricted.