To not tell anyone about my wedding venue?

[HeresMyBrightIdea]

I suspect I am...

Long story short, I'm completely orphaned. I'd have preferred to elope, but fiancé would like to have family & friends there and we came up with some compromises that suit us. He's a legend.

He's an only child so his parents have wanted to be very involved. Despite telling us to do what we wanted, they have managed to ruin our first choice... they kept picking faults, printed us pages of information on why it'd be difficult, collected random family members' opinions, suggested alternate ideas... Fiancé is still happy to go ahead but I'm now very aware that his parents would be unhappy, so I can't bring myself to do it.

We've found somewhere else that we both love. I'm about to pay the deposit. I don't want to tell them where it is. They're retired and the type to go and look at it immediately, to give us all their thoughts... I'm quite enjoying it being a secret right now, just me and DP know, nobody can ruin it!

It might be worth saying that I'm quite stressed at the moment and I have bipolar which is alright but not as good as normal. And that everyone, EVERYONE, is giving me opinions on every possible thing.

DP seems fine with not saying anything for a while. His parents will presume we're going along with the first option and so probably won't outright ask. Is it unreasonable to keep that up for a while?

They are really nice people. Just... a bit oddly full on about their son getting married. They couldn't, overall, have been any nicer to me or invited me into their family any more. It's just this issue.

I wouldn't tell them anything.

Nod & smile and agree, and then choose what you want and don't tell them and let them see everything on the day.

It's your wedding, not theirs, they've had their wedding day.

Do not let them bully you.

They can find out same time as everyone else, when the invitations go out and it's too late for them to try and change your mind.

They are really nice people. Just... a bit oddly full on about their son getting married.

I don't think it is that odd that they are "full on" about their son's wedding. He is their only child. Of course they are excited. It is not that surprising they want to be involved.

Sue you are going to have to find some tactful way of getting them to back off a bit if you feel that their eagerness is tipping over in to interference but try not to fall out about it. It sounds like it is coming from a good place.

Thanks all. To be fair to DP, he will happily tell them if they are crossing a line, he is very much with me. If anything, it's me that finds those conversations very awkward... I need to strengthen my resolve here! I don't want to upset them, ever, but they do need to be mindful that we're both adults now too.

I don't think it is that odd that they are "full on" about their son's wedding. He is their only child. Of course they are excited. It is not that surprising they want to be involved

Maybe odd was a bad word. I'm absolutely happy for them to be involved. His mum is going wedding dress shopping with me, his Dad will likely walk me down the aisle. I try to involve them in our lives often, we make the effort to see them probably once per week on average.

DP has suggested that he goes to see them this weekend and talks to them, which might be a good idea. He doesn't want to tell them the venue then, just to have a general chat about things. That might be a start!

Some of it might be that I'm just not at all used to parents. Mine died when I was a kid, and weren't really active parents when they were alive... I am trying to get used to them too. We've all got mostly good intentions, I think!

You could phrase the ‘reveal’ to say that after your comments we realised you wouldn’t be happy with the first venue so we chose this as a nice surprise for you instead!

It's sad that posters are referring to the grooms parents as 'these people'.

How many of you have sons, and love them and want the best for them? Can you imagine being referred to a 'that person', when you are taking an interest in hsi wedding?

I have a ds, an only, as I couldn''t have more, and if he gets married I expect I will be accused of being disinterested, as I will be so afraid of saying a word out of place from all the vitriol I've seen in here over the years.

If he comes from a close and loving family, who have welcomed the OP, then this is part of normal family life. If they are 'oddly full on' about their son getting married, this is because it's a big deal for them. They have no daughter, so they want to be involved in his wedding preps as this is hopefully the one and only time they will be doing it. It would be nice if the OP could allow then this involvement, and try to understand why they are excited.

Meant to add that there are decades of loving family support ahead if this handled correctly by the OP and her DP. If the OP isn't used to a family structure, then perhaps it's time to embrace this one. Both the parents and the OP all love the same person after all.

They are really nice people
Not really, who does that? Writes lists of faults?
They sound pretty nasty and controlling.
Book your wedding and let the invites be the first they know. Going forward your DP needs to have your back every time or they will walk all over your life together.

'It's sad that posters are referring to the grooms parents as 'these people'*.

Yes, people. Not bastarding wankers or evil sinners who should be stoned for shouting 'Jehovah!' before the blowing of the whistle. If referring to people as people has developed insulting connotations, or society has recently become unaccountably sensitive, it's news to me.

It would be nice if the OP could allow then this involvement

She is. And she is continuing to do so, and even planning on taking them dress shopping. And they reward this courtesy by listing everything they see as 'wrong' with the couple's wedding choices, and pissing all over their chips. This isn't behaviour any reasonable person would view as loving or sharing. It's controlling: controlling to the point that their future DiL is unhappy enough about their negativity to post for advice on here, and is apparently willing to go to the lengths of concealing her future wedding decisions from them to avoid further distress to herself.

Does that sound like healthy boundaries or the actions of loving parents?

OP has a positive relationship with them, and that's good, but if it's going to continue to be positive then healthy boundaries are essential. If these are set as precedent before the marriage even happens, then the in-law relationship has a far better chance of going the distance and being a pleasant one for all concerned.

If that doesn't happen then the attempt to exert control will continue. What next?, baby names, interference in feeding choices, expectation of a say in how they are raised?

My post is kindly meant, and refers to numerous situations on Mumsnet alone where family relationships might have been saved from complete breakdown had appropriate boundaries been established from the outset.

I'm sure these in-laws are very nice people. I don't know them; OP does, and she knows better than a complete stranger. But taking control over someone's wedding, and taking the gloss off their happiness on the occasion, isn't particularly nice behaviour in anyone's book, and doesn't bode well for the future. And it needs to be nixed.

I'd keep it a secret until you send out the invites, everyone will find out at the same time. If they ask why you changed your mind just tell them they were right the first place but decided you wanted everyone to find out together so nobody feels left out

Mariel I can hear the dripping contempt with which 'these people' was typed.

The OP, having been orphaned, has no idea what a healthy family boundary is. I think many of us would have difficulty defining it. For some, it would be as little involvement as possible with their partner's family, whilst ensuring their own was included...that is a common scenario on MN; for others it will be being even handed with seeing both sets of parents.

Your post is not kindly meant at all, and steps on the relationship the OPs partner may wish to maintain with his parents. If he is happy with telling them when he thinks they are crossing a line, then it looks as if he has it sorted. He will know best how to handle his parents, as he is their son. Dh has always handled his parents and I've dealt with mine. It's worked for 34 years now.

Querying a wedding venue (especially if they are contributing), isn't pissing over anyone's chips..it may be raising completely legitimate concerns, as common sense seems to fly out of the window with weddings. A wedding is just a day and it's over - a marriage is what hopefully lasts and endures. I'd tell my ds if I thought there was a problem - I don't imagine I'd stop having a brain or opinions of my own, just because my ds was getting married, nor would he expect me to.

It seems to me frequently on MN that if the mother of a son dares to have an opinion that is counter to the dil, then heaven help the poor woman. It ignores the fact that she has raised to adulthood a man that someone else loves, so had managed to raise someone with redeeming features, but she gets no credit for it; she can just fuck off and die as far as some posters on here are concerned.

As to the actions of loving parents? Since when did being a loving parent not include straight talking and unwelcome advice when needed? I haven't yet found in any parenting manual the words, 'roll over, let your dcs walk all over you and have doormat printed on your forehead.'

Your post is not kindly meant at all

Thank you for that astonishing insight into another person (stranger)'s mind and motivation. Do you have a crystal ball you're willing to loan out at a cheap rate?

You are over-reaching in relation to my own posts to the point that you've forgotten the OP. Incidentally, your assumption that OP lacks the emotional intelligence to forge normal, healthy relationships because her parents happen to be no longer living is extremely patronizing, insulting and offensive to the OP. Again, it's also a huge over-reach and quite a bizarre assumption to make. Perhaps that crystal ball has gone into overdrive again?

I reiterate: my post was kindly meant. I'm not advocating 'cut them off!' or 'Never contact them again!' I'm suggesting ways in which healthy boundaries might be maintained in such a way as to minimize discomfort from all sides. These in-laws have browbeaten their future DiL into cancelling their wedding plans. If this doesn't shriek 'controlling behaviour' loud and clear, then it's probably a waste of typeface explaining why it's controlling. In any case, the original post is more than sufficient explanation in itself.

Incidentally, the DS and future DiL are autonomous adults, not recalcitrant children who are expected to obey their elders in silence - another pertinent point you seem conveniently to have 'overlooked'.

Such points as I've made can have no malevolent tendencies from the perspective of someone who is not the controlling type, or who sees their adult son or daughter as being duty-bound to roll over and capitulate to their every whim. But the controlling element is more than obvious from the tone of your responses to me. And people tend not to get too hung up on such points, unless they are defending similar behaviour on their own account.

Projection?

Who is projecting now Mariel?

There are two people getting married, not just the OP. One of the couple has parents, who as they only have one child, are excited about the wedding. The OP has stated already that her dp has his parents well in hand, and that she is 'just not at all used to parents', so hardly over reaching, patronising, insulting or offensive, just reflective of what the OP actually wrote.

Unless I can't read, the wedding is still going ahead, so the OP and her dp, haven't been 'browbeaten' into cancelling their wedding plans at all. I think you are over reaching here. They have chosen to find a different venue.

I am well aware that the OP and her dp are adults, but part of being an adult is accepting that at times you have to compromise, or that perhaps your parents might just have a point. I certainly didn't turn down advice from my ils when applying for teaching jobs, as they were both Chairs of Governors and heavily involved in recruiting staff for their schools. Were they controlling when advising me to change some things in my letter of application, or giving me the benefit of their experience and expertise?

You are only looking at this from the OP's perspective, which means not having the full picture. There is also the dp's perspective, and his wish to maintain a relationship with his parents. The parents are making efforts, as the OP acknowledges, to make her welcome into their family, which will change the dynamic there.

You seem to have trouble distinguishing between loving concerns being voiced and control. The parents of the dp are people in their own right, who are allowed to have opinions and ideas and express them to their son. Being a parent of adult children doesn't mean you cease to be a fully functioning adult yourself, you are not put in the cupboard and only wheeled out on special occasions and only then if you agree with everything your child wants.

You seem to have an issue with the dp's parents. You are assuming they are controlling when really, there isn't evidence of that. The OP and her dp could have chosen to go with the first venue, as they are adults.

As to me being controlling, projection, much? My dh, ds and DM would rofl. If you want controlling, you should meet my mil.....after my fil died.

YANBU.

Tell them when the invites go out.

If they ask in the meantime, just keep telling them that you are rethinking your plans .

Hi OP

A couple of things. Are they paying a lot towards the wedding? I think in the past when parents paid then they organised a lot of it, invitations were from them and included a lot of their friends etc. Now if the couple getting married pay they tend to organise it themselves. I think it can get awkward when parents contribute say half or a third as they still expect to have some sort of 'say' as to where 'their' money is going. So might be something to consider, if they are contributing, to do it yourselves instead.

I agree with previous posters saying you need to get your husband to have a chat with them now about not criticising choices. It doesnt have to be confrontational but if its left then things might escalate and end up that way. Your MH is the most important thing and also you want to enjoy the day, not let it end up as a load of compromises after a battle of wills. You've already compromised on the venue.

And as annoying as having your wedding venue criticised is, it will be a million times worse if this becomes an engrained dynamic between you all and they criticise your parenting if you ever have kids.

your wedding you do what you want

tho entrigued by the first venue, why was it wrong?

I came back to update and saw there are more responses - apologies, I didn't get notified. MN glitch, I guess!

I came back to say that future PILs appear to have relented, a bit. They called DP when he was at work yesterday to say the issues they thought about aren't likely to be problems and generally seemed supportive. We had decided to place the deposit on the new venue anyway, and I guess we'll tell them that soon.

To answer some of the questions...

They're not contributing to the wedding. They have offered but there's no one but me to contribute from my side, so we're paying for it ourselves.

@scaryteacher I'm genuinely interested in what else I can do to be a good DIL here. I am very aware that DP's mum would have loved a daughter. We go to see them - together, because they don't like not seeing me too - every week. She's coming wedding dress shopping with me, even though I'd rather do it on my own. I do a lot of things with her that are far more "her" than me - it makes DP laugh, I am not one for shopping for example, but I go with her because it's the nice thing to do and she will be my MIL.

I've let DP take the lead on anything relating to his parents. He tends to wait until they become overbearing and then they argue, but back off, which I find horrendously awkward. I have not told him that I have found their plans difficult. It is his wedding too, and I love him, and I'd never dream of coming between him and his parents. Not ever.

First venue criticisms were odd. They approved of it when we initially discussed it, then the day I was going to pay the deposit, bought a folder of information with them about it. One cousin doesn't like that county, two of DP's uncles may not come as they need to fly over from NZ, you need special permission to wed in part of the building (which we'd got), we might prefer somewhere else, they weren't sure about catering over there...

(Uncles won't come wherever we are marrying now, apparantly, and cousin has changed her mind)

My daughter went to an engagement party which in fact turned out to be the couple's wedding, no-one at all knew anything about it before then.