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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for help with DH and DSS

39 replies

Desperatetoseechange · 08/08/2019 10:03

Without having to go into the huge back story, DSS (12) is slowly pulling away from visiting his Dad - eow + sport 2 nights after school.
He is happy for dad to take him to sport but is reluctant to stay with us for a weekend.
We are planning a family holiday over NY, but worried about booking as he won't stay overnight, when he does is constantly texting his mum or asking when he can go home. So think a 10 day holiday is a stretch too far at this stage, however DH and I desperately need a break, more so we want DSS to come with us.
I've always thought we've provided a good weekend with lots of balance, but as I'm not a mum yet. My version on 'fun' might not be the same thing. Our weekend looks like this.
Friday - DH picks up DSS from
School, they have time together - Xbox, movie or just hang out. DH plays sport on Friday night, either DSS goes to watch or he stays with me, we make supper, watch a movie or get takeaway.
Saturday - he plays sport, DH takes him sometimes I go, sometimes I stay home and get the chores done to give us more family time.
Couple of hours downtime, nap etc
Either have friends over, bbq etc or we go out family activity (bowling etc) then dinner out or lazy supper movie
Sunday - nice breakfast/lazy morning.
All help with chores (nothing huge)
Sunday dinner or afternoon at the pub, somewhere DSS can get food he likes. Generally chilled then run him back to mum's.
His feedback as to why he doesn't like it is ....
it's all too planned out (it has to be with his sport etc)
He doesn't want to go to football with his dad as it's boring (he can stay home or often his friend is at footie watching his dad)
He never gets what he wants to do (we always ask him to pick an activity/movie etc)
Dinner is always something he doesn't want to eat (100% untrue)
I spend all weekend doing chores (again untrue 10-15 mins max)
It's all about DH and me - not DSS.
Apparently he doesn't feel like our home is his.
He doesn't sleep well here, but would if his dad slept with him.
I am at a complete loss, how can I try to help
With this ?!

OP posts:
bibliomania · 08/08/2019 10:08

I think it's just his age - it's natural for a child this age to pull away from family stuff. I'd just ask him if he wants to come for the holiday, and be sure he understands the implications, ie. if he goes on the holiday, he stays on the holiday. If he doesn't want to, then just enjoy the time with you and your DH.

There's nothing wrong with weekends you do. Even if you did the weekend differently, it's not going to change his need to pull back a bit. Don't get engaged in any battles - it should about keeping positive contact.

(I'm the mother of an 11-year old girl who doesn't want to come on holiday with me!)

Original poster
Desperatetoseechange · 08/08/2019 10:20

Ok, I thought it might be age. He wants to be older than he is, he basically thinks he knows everything. We apparently 'embarrass' him by babying him. But I think it's more a case of what ever we did it would be wrong. Part of me thinks it's DSS's mother loving the trauma, as she apparently doesn't have a single issue with him at home . Their relationship is just perfect, they just laugh and smile the whole time. But when he's with us, he's texting constantly to get back with his mum.

OP posts:
ColaFreezePop · 08/08/2019 10:25

Do your DH and his ex have any form of communication with each other? If it isn't good then DSS is likely playing each parent against each other.

Original poster
Desperatetoseechange · 08/08/2019 10:29

DH talks to DSS's mum and she told him most of the reasons why he doesn't like time with us. DSS struggles to open up to DH.

OP posts:
Ishoos · 08/08/2019 10:30

Does he see friends at yours or only at his mums? At that age my DS was out playing with friends, if we went out he would bring a friend with us. What does his weekend st mums look like?

amylou8 · 08/08/2019 10:30

Completely normal for a 12 year old to be wanting to do his own thing. He's not a young child anymore and will want his down time, rather than constant planned activities. Ask him about the holiday, he's d enough to decide. None of no mine would have passed up at trip to NY 🤣

Original poster
Desperatetoseechange · 08/08/2019 10:32

He won't bring friends to ours. Just friends of the family, but not his friends from school. His weekend with his mum is more focused being in and around home, rather than out for dinner/activities etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Desperatetoseechange · 08/08/2019 10:35

@amylou8 lol - it's a trip at new year (either Thailand or Bali) not a trip to NY .... but I would love to go back.
We completely appreciate he wants to do his own thing.
We give him time to talk to friends on Xbox - not interested
We offer to take him to meet mates - not interested
We offer him to have a sleepover, pool party, mates over for an Xbox day - not interested
We ask if he wants to bring a mate to bowling etc - not interested

OP posts:
PinkFlamingo888 · 08/08/2019 10:37

When I was his age at went to my dad’s for the weekend we rarely did planned activities and other than help with setting the table/ clearing plates away we didn’t really have to do chores. We watched a lot of telly, played on the PlayStation or played outside on the trampoline or with other kids in the neighbourhood. My brothers did a lot of washing the car/ doing diy with my dad but not pre-planned and only if they wanted to. I think at 12 he just wants to relax on his weekends so even going out to eat or going bowling etc means he doesn’t have time to just chill and do nothing. If he lives most of the time with his mum then that’s where he sees as his home and he knows there he can do a bit of what he likes without anything being organised if that makes sense

HeyMonkey · 08/08/2019 10:53

He doesn't want to be babied but wants his Dad to sleep with him?

Flump9 · 08/08/2019 11:02

It sounds like he just wants to chill and veg out at the weekend, my dd just wants to relax and do what she fancies when she feels like it.

Countrybumpkin00 · 08/08/2019 11:14

Sorry that sounds really really boring for a 12 year old. You aren’t doing anything remotely for him or that he’d enjoy.

Original poster
Desperatetoseechange · 08/08/2019 11:20

@Countrybumpkin00 what does a more fun weekend look like. Genuinely need advice !!

OP posts:
Anyonebut · 08/08/2019 11:24

Have you involved him in planning the trip so that he can have sone activities he wants to do and he will look forward to?

CallmeAngelina · 08/08/2019 11:29

Sorry that sounds really really boring for a 12 year old.
Really?! Sounds entirely normal to me. Or are you suggesting that the OP's DP turns into Disney Dad and they tie themselves in knots trying to "please" or "entertain" him? That way lies trouble - and an entitled, demanding brat, if you're not very careful.

LIZS · 08/08/2019 11:29

When does he do homework, see friends etc? Does he have his own his own space in your home? Are you local enough for him to go out with friends. The weekend does sound rather low key, what would he be doing at home. I can't see a 12 yo being up for 10 days in Thailand or Baki tbh, that is a holiday for you not him.

czechitout · 08/08/2019 11:31

To me it sounds he'd like to spend more time with his dad doing what he wants, ideally just two of them somewhere outside, cycling, walk, technical museum, some diy or similar. As you've said: he does not feel comfortable in your house. To get that better he need to have better relationship with his father. I'm judging that by the fact he'd be better if his father slept with him. You can even try that.
Good luck.

Original poster
Desperatetoseechange · 08/08/2019 11:59

We are near enough for friends to come over for him to see mates - not interested.
He gets lots of one on one time with dad, time for museum trips ect - just not every weekend
Holiday to Thailand/Bali - scuba, surf, snorkeling, banana boats, jets ski, pool, beach, bikes, football, Thai boxing - not sure what isn't to like about that for an active 12 year old?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Desperatetoseechange · 08/08/2019 12:00

Re. Homework refuses to do it here.

OP posts:
BishopofBathandWells · 08/08/2019 12:02

FWIW I'm a SM and your weekend sounds brilliant. You sound like you're making huge efforts to support your DSS and facilitate activities and events he'd like to be involved in. Honestly, he just sounds like he's going through a phase. I would ask though, why do you think he finds it difficult to open up to his Dad? Do you think that might be an underlying reason?

Pineapplefish · 08/08/2019 12:04

Hi OP, I think maybe you just need to chill out a bit more. You come across as a very organised person who likes to plan (maybe that's not true - it's just the picture I'm getting from your posts) and maybe he wants to be a bit more laid back and go with the flow?

MyCatHatesEverybody · 08/08/2019 12:11

Although your DSS gets relaxation time at yours it doesn't sound like he gets to spend a whole weekend just doing nothing. My DSCs mum was like that, she'd pack so much into her weekends that when they came to ours they'd just want to chill. Of course we took them out a bit but they'd have at least one weekend day to have a breather. They eventually rebelled when their mum wanted to take them to a big theme park the day before they all flew abroad for the week.

Does your DSS actually still enjoy the sport he does or is he doing it to please his dad?

stucknoue · 08/08/2019 12:12

It sounds more like that he feels that it isn't his home, he feels a visitor. It could be you are trying to hard bizarrely, organising get togethers, activities, dragging him out. Perhaps instead have a weekend of doing nothing - but his dad playing sport every Friday he visits isn't helping, it makes him feel he's not wanted. At that age kids are getting to the stage they don't want to hang out with parents, they don't want to go on holiday often - only kids especially can struggle even without the step situation. Is it a possibility for your dh to sit down with ex and dss and properly talk about access arrangements, eow is about the parents not the young person, perhaps he would prefer a different arrangement. The other thing is does he feel he has a room at your house? Arriving with a suitcase makes him feel a visitor.

Ponoka7 · 08/08/2019 12:17

I think your DH needs to work on building up communication. Why does he think DSS won't open up to him?

Your time together is very busy. Does DSS need more time doing nothing and the chance to talk etc?

Have they had more time together in the past?

It's natural to pull away during the teen years, but it's crucial for the Parent to keep trying and be unconditionally emotionally available.

Have you discussed the holiday with DSS?

AE18 · 08/08/2019 12:20

There's nothing wrong with the weekends you plan and it's obviously untrue and ungrateful of him to say they're all about you and DH because he is getting many child friendly treats with cinema, bowling, meals out etc. If he isn't enjoying those things then I would stop organising them, still go to the sport activities but don't try so hard to please him with those other activities because from his own mouth, he doesn't want to do them so you're wasting your own time and money. I would just make no specific plans and ask him what he feels like doing, and go along with it as long as it's not something unreasonable.

With regards the holiday, I would invite him along obviously but don't fret if he says no, that's his choice, it doesn't mean you shouldn't go and have your break. Give him the choice of whether to come with you, but make it clear that once it's booked you won't be able to change it because the amount of posts on here about kids who say they don't want to go and then are devastated when they change their minds after it's already booked, and the parents have to decide whether to spend thousands to add them on at the last minute 🙄

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