To ask for help with DH and DSS

[Desperatetoseechange]

Without having to go into the huge back story, DSS (12) is slowly pulling away from visiting his Dad - eow + sport 2 nights after school.
He is happy for dad to take him to sport but is reluctant to stay with us for a weekend.
We are planning a family holiday over NY, but worried about booking as he won't stay overnight, when he does is constantly texting his mum or asking when he can go home. So think a 10 day holiday is a stretch too far at this stage, however DH and I desperately need a break, more so we want DSS to come with us.
I've always thought we've provided a good weekend with lots of balance, but as I'm not a mum yet. My version on 'fun' might not be the same thing. Our weekend looks like this.
Friday - DH picks up DSS from
School, they have time together - Xbox, movie or just hang out. DH plays sport on Friday night, either DSS goes to watch or he stays with me, we make supper, watch a movie or get takeaway.
Saturday - he plays sport, DH takes him sometimes I go, sometimes I stay home and get the chores done to give us more family time.
Couple of hours downtime, nap etc
Either have friends over, bbq etc or we go out family activity (bowling etc) then dinner out or lazy supper movie
Sunday - nice breakfast/lazy morning.
All help with chores (nothing huge)
Sunday dinner or afternoon at the pub, somewhere DSS can get food he likes. Generally chilled then run him back to mum's.
His feedback as to why he doesn't like it is ....
it's all too planned out (it has to be with his sport etc)
He doesn't want to go to football with his dad as it's boring (he can stay home or often his friend is at footie watching his dad)
He never gets what he wants to do (we always ask him to pick an activity/movie etc)
Dinner is always something he doesn't want to eat (100% untrue)
I spend all weekend doing chores (again untrue 10-15 mins max)
It's all about DH and me - not DSS.
Apparently he doesn't feel like our home is his.
He doesn't sleep well here, but would if his dad slept with him.
I am at a complete loss, how can I try to help
With this ?!

What’s his home life with Mum like?

My son has never liked leaving me to go to his Dad’s. He’s only six now but foresee problems when he can be more forceful about his views. It’s only him and me at home, so everything is tailored exactly to him and his needs.

I'm a step mum and you sound like you are doing everything you can to make him feel like it's his home.

It's his age so I doubt there's much else you can do for now

My daughter is similar age and struggles at her dad's

Holiday to Thailand/Bali - scuba, surf, snorkeling, banana boats, jets ski, pool, beach, bikes, football, Thai boxing - not sure what isn't to like about that for an active 12 year old?! for 10 days, having flown half way around the world, with little other than you for company. There are nearer places to do similar. Have you been on holiday with him before?

@LIZS

for 10 days, having flown half way around the world, with little other than you for company. There are nearer places to do similar. Have you been on holiday with him before?

Oh please, only on MN would you see someone argue that 10 days luxury holiday in an exotic location is somehow a cruel and thoughtless offer. Would it be better if it were in France? He wouldn't be able to see his friends either way - if you want to go on holiday you have to accept that, it doesn't matter how close the country is.

But not all preteens are into that sort of holiday. Op is planning one which may well be outside his comfort zone and without reliable wifi. If he is not used to going on holiday with them it places a lot of pressure and expectation all round. If he is reluctant to spend one night in 14 with them, why would he be happy with 10, far away from home. Maybe less is more.

@LIZS

But not all preteens are into that sort of holiday. Op is planning one which may well be outside his comfort zone and without reliable wifi. If he is not used to going on holiday with them it places a lot of pressure and expectation all round. If he is reluctant to spend one night in 14 with them, why would he be happy with 10, far away from home. Maybe less is more.

Well then he is perfectly able to choose not to go. There's no reason for him to be more willing to spend ten days on one holiday than another. Holidays are supposed to be time away from your daily life, so if you'd rather not do that, it makes most sense for you to not go on holiday rather than be offended that someone else wants to go.

Should they be booking a holiday down the street from his house, so that he can still see his friends and his mum? That completely defeats the object of a holiday.

If he doesn't want to step out of his comfort zone then that's his choice but that's a big part of what holidays are for, especially when you're no longer a small child.

It's still an amazing opportunity.

DH wants to play sport, it's his only chance to blow off steam plus it's important that his son sees that he is still active, involved at his age.
We've tried weekends at home, but generally DSS lays about looking miserable. So we thought he was bored, hence bowling etc on a Saturday
He has his own room, bathroom, den - all clothes etc so isn't suitcase in tow.
We've tried repeatedly to take him on holiday, for his DM to refuse. Too long, too far, too dangerous, too hot, too cold etc
Thailand/Bali - 9-4hrs from us so not exactly half the world away.
Completely stumped.

I think czechitout is right, I suspect he wants more time alone with his dad. Perhaps it’d be better for his father to have another evening and less time during the weekend

What about giving him the control to plan a weekend where he gets to decide what happens on each day and see what he chooses? He has to decide where you go, what you do, what you eat etc. He might feel empowered and find it a bit of fun particularly if you really commit to joining in with it all. That’s not to say you let him rule the roost but just do it one weekend and then take some ideas from it for the future. A lifeswap thing if you will

DH can't see him another night through the week with work commitments. He's happy for DH to be his taxi service to training. But doubt he'd come over in another evening to just hang out. But it's worth a try.
Generally over the weekend we allow him to pick what we do, but never given him control of a whole weekend so that could be worth a shot.
DH had him at training, he wouldn't engage with him got about 5 words out of him and wouldn't answer when dad asked about him picking him up this weekend. He wouldn't come last weekend - wanted to swap it to this weekend. But now this weekend has come, he's still reluctant!

Could you be busy for a weekend? I don't think you've done anything wrong at all, but maybe a weekend with just his dad, he might open up a bit.
It is a bit odd for a twelve year old to want to sleep with their dad.

He might not want to invite friends for organised activities/play date type scenarios but might begrudge not being at home so when they message and say we're going to the skate park (for example) he can't just say ok see you there. Could also be just hormones/moods, teens seem to need a lot of sleep. Fwiw op I would've loved your weekends at that age!

There are plenty of weekends when I'm 'busy' I'm not around all the time and I'm respectful to give them alone time. 6 months ago, they did a boys trip. But I'm not going to make myself scarce as that's not what our family dynamic is. He gets the opportunity to have ample time just with his dad, I'd say more so than a traditional family unit.

DH can't see him another night through the week with work commitments.
Lucky that resident mums don't say the same thing.

@CallmeAngelina I would be happy to have DSS on the nights that DH is away. It's his job, he can't help that if he was resident parent we would work it out between us. Such a petty comment. What do you do if you need to be at work ?