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Would you find this annoying? Unwanted advice?

38 replies

Findthewhitehorseonthehill · 08/08/2019 07:44

There are a couple of people in my life who just love to constantly give me constant, unsolicited advice. I find it really irritates me, but I don't know if I've just got a chip on my shoulder.

For example, person will ask if I've booked a holiday. I will say that I'm going to Cornwall, I go every year and love it, they will then start telling me how they don't know why I go there, I should go to Devon/Weymouth/Timbuktu (anywhere but my chosen place). How they don't like Cornwall and I could do x, y and z in their suggestion. When I say I'll think about it but really I just love Cornwall, they go a bit huffy as if I've insulted them.

Same if I go abroad. If I say I've booked Spain they'll tell me I should try Tunisia. Even though I might have chosen Spain because the flight is short and we like Spanish food, for example.

If I paint my sitting room, they'll tell me I should have painted it a different colour. If I say I've used a certain brand of paint they'll tell me another brand is better.

If I say we're going for a curry to our favourite restaurant, they'll tell us we should go for an Italian at their favourite place instead.

They do it about my parenting. If I said I was taking the dc to our local swimming pool, that's 5 minutes away, brand new, has great facilities and the dc live, they'd say we should try another pool, further away, that's not convenient and has no parking, but they'll insist it's really good there.

If my child plays rugby they'll say I should get them into tennis.

They say the same things over and over again and always have to have the last day. So if I say, child loves rugby and is doing really well and the times are convenient. They'll say "well I think Tennis is better, but there you go". They do it about every single little thing we do.

Anyway, I'm sure you get the picture.

Having nothing to do with these people isn't an option. Not getting into conversation isn't an option, because they ask loads and loads of questions.

OP posts:
FizzBuzzBangWoof · 08/08/2019 07:46

Sounds bloody annoying and reminds me of the Harry Enfield character "You don't want to do it like that...."

NotSoFrankly · 08/08/2019 07:46

Just say ‘But that’s only your opinion. This is my holiday/wall/decision about which sports lessons my child attends.’ Ad nauseam.

JoJoSM2 · 08/08/2019 07:47

I’ve got a ‘friend’ like that. Very annoying so I just avoid her.

If it was close family and I couldn’t avoid them, I’d confront them about it (as politely as possible).

LagunaBubbles · 08/08/2019 07:50

I would certainly be saying something, "If I wanted to go to Tunisia I would but I don't I want to go to Spain. I am tired of you rubbishing all my choices in life and would like you to stop"

Lllot5 · 08/08/2019 07:50

Is this called eleven irifeing.
One better than Tenerife.
Or black catting. No matter what you do what you say where you go theirs is always better.
In any case just ignore it.
Or tell them to fuck off and mind their business.

MIdgebabe · 08/08/2019 07:50

THTAs not unwanted advice, that’s doing you down and rubbishing your choices. Unwanted advice would come before you booked anywhere.

All you can do is say something like “ each to their own eh? “ although Being extremely rude might get them of your back.

Ithinkmycatisevil · 08/08/2019 07:50

That sound really annoying. Maybe you could start doing it back to them? It won’t solve the problem, but might be amusing at least.

saffy1234 · 08/08/2019 07:51

I HATE people like that.

Findthewhitehorseonthehill · 08/08/2019 07:54

They also pick fault with everything we do. So if dh and I have painted, they'd point out where we'd missed a bit.

Dh took up a new exercise regime recently and they said "that's not going to do you much good is it". To be honest it was so ridiculous it made my blood boil. He's been cycling and they told him to get an exercise bike instead Angry

Laguna I like your suggestion, it's clear and firm.

OP posts:
Jeezoh · 08/08/2019 07:56

You need to stop justifying your choices, I wouldn’t bother explaining why your decision is the right one. It’d be a sarcastic “I’ll be sure to consult you before I book my next holiday/activity for the kids/redecorate my bedroom to make sure you approve” from me. Or if you can’t do that, make non commital noise “mmm that’s an interesting viewpoint” then swiftly change the subject.

RickJames · 08/08/2019 07:56

I'd be very annoyed with that - and I'd totally say something withering to them, or avoid them.

I hate that awful passive undermining. It's so unnecessary.

quietcontentment · 08/08/2019 08:12

It would be very annoying to hear stuff like that all the time. I know you cant avoid these people but that shouldnt stop you from politely but firmly telling them to stop, to accept the choices you have made and are happy with and shut up. I mean the choices your making arent exactly harming anyone but there constant nit picking is.

You dont need to be nasty to them OP just tell it straight. They do it to you all the time remember.

Hooferdoofer37 · 08/08/2019 08:14

Just remember you can't argue with stupid.

Are these people your PIL by any chance?

If they're not related could you just see (considerably) less of them? They don't sound like they enhance your life in anyway.

WeatherSchmeather · 08/08/2019 08:24

I’ve known people like this and it is very annoying! I didn’t know there was a term for it though.

I guess the only thing you can do is stop rewarding them by taking the bait and instead say “We prefer rugby/Spain/this swimming pool etc” and change the subject abruptly.

Or, you could call them out on it and ask them to stop black-catting you because you’re finding it tedious.

It’s a power thing, OP. Very boring but some people seem to get a kick out of it for some peculiar reason.

Findthewhitehorseonthehill · 08/08/2019 08:31

It's actually one of my relatives and the other is one of dhs. They are quite similar personalities.

I don't see all that much of my relative and this is one of the reasons. Can't really avoid dhs and don't want to be rude because it's not my family.

They actually get huffy when you won't do as they say. I don't get why they care so much what we do.

I don't mind people making suggestions but most people just recommend somewhere or something and leave it at that. But to keep on and on and insuring that their idea is better than your choice crosses the line for me.

OP posts:
KUGA · 08/08/2019 08:35

They sound like twats to me.
And ignorant ones at that.
I would never suggest anyone should do anything different to what they want to do.
Get rid.

Namelessinseattle · 08/08/2019 08:35

Have a think about the person, do you think they’re happy? I know people like this and I think they’re obsessed with being the best and doing the right thing, so need to make everyone else wrong. I second the advice to ignore or say hmmm or change the channel. I used to try justify myself but you’ll never convince them so now I don’t bother.

Beesandcheese · 08/08/2019 08:35

Start saying "I knew you'd hate it" "more negatives from (names)" or wow only 30 seconds to rain on our parade today. If you're stuck with them don't be nice.

Bookworm4 · 08/08/2019 08:40

I don’t want to be rude
They are being rude to you constantly, just say it to them ‘can we please not have your opinion on everything, it’s boring’
These arseholes need told they are offensive and rude and if they take offence and huff off it’s a win 😃

LutherRalph1 · 08/08/2019 08:48

I'm getting this a lot lately too, especially during wedding planning and I'll
Say " oh we've booked this" people say we'll did you think about this? You should do this?

I want to say to people yes I'm a bit of an organization lover, so I've probably looked into and researched everything

A recent one when we were going away
"'We are taking this pram, it lays completely flat and takes up much less room in the car"

"Oh, but the other one is much nicer, why don't you take that"

"For reasons I've just given...."

Starlight39 · 08/08/2019 08:48

I'd just say vaguely "yes, you're probably right..." to every single thing they say and then there isn't really anywhere they can go with it after that. Then continue doing things the exact way you want to. Just don't engage with it at all. Bonus if you can follow it up with "now, I must make that cup of tea..." or anything that allows you to exit the conversation or room. I assume they get something out of you engaging with it (and them being able to tell you you're wrong) so taking the attention away from any discussions in that direction may be enough. Sort of like starving a toddlers bad behaviour of attention!

And try and say nothing about any choices - so if they say "are you going on holiday this year?" just say "oh, we're looking at a few options..." even if you've already booked. I know there are probably times you'll have to tell them things but if you reduce the tricky interactions, you may be able to reset things a bit (or at least avoid being driven mad by them!).

biggles50 · 08/08/2019 08:50

Reminds me of my brother and his wife back in the 90s who had friends like this. They always had a better way, better venue, better recipe. Drove them up the wall. One day my brother was listening to them telling him about how his new car was a mistake. Brother got a note pad and pen and said "jot down all the stuff we're doing wrong and why you think your opinions are more valid and I'll look over them later when we've got time."
They were gobsmacked, walked out but came back two days later to apologise.

Findthewhitehorseonthehill · 08/08/2019 08:55

Biggles I love that. You're brother sounds brilliant.

OP posts:
rosedream · 08/08/2019 09:13

Get sarcastic.

Oh thank you wise owl - and wink at them or smile.

You're my font of all knowledge. Thank you.

I didn't know you were an expert in .........

I can always count on you to show me the error of my ways.

All said with a false cheesy grin.

RelaisBlu · 08/08/2019 09:20

My step-mother was like this!
I just used to reply, "Well it's fortunate it's my holiday, not yours" or "Well luckily I'll be living with this colour paint, not you" with a big smile. It used to annoy the hell out of her but shut her up!

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