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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you find this annoying? Unwanted advice?

38 replies

Findthewhitehorseonthehill · 08/08/2019 07:44

There are a couple of people in my life who just love to constantly give me constant, unsolicited advice. I find it really irritates me, but I don't know if I've just got a chip on my shoulder.

For example, person will ask if I've booked a holiday. I will say that I'm going to Cornwall, I go every year and love it, they will then start telling me how they don't know why I go there, I should go to Devon/Weymouth/Timbuktu (anywhere but my chosen place). How they don't like Cornwall and I could do x, y and z in their suggestion. When I say I'll think about it but really I just love Cornwall, they go a bit huffy as if I've insulted them.

Same if I go abroad. If I say I've booked Spain they'll tell me I should try Tunisia. Even though I might have chosen Spain because the flight is short and we like Spanish food, for example.

If I paint my sitting room, they'll tell me I should have painted it a different colour. If I say I've used a certain brand of paint they'll tell me another brand is better.

If I say we're going for a curry to our favourite restaurant, they'll tell us we should go for an Italian at their favourite place instead.

They do it about my parenting. If I said I was taking the dc to our local swimming pool, that's 5 minutes away, brand new, has great facilities and the dc live, they'd say we should try another pool, further away, that's not convenient and has no parking, but they'll insist it's really good there.

If my child plays rugby they'll say I should get them into tennis.

They say the same things over and over again and always have to have the last day. So if I say, child loves rugby and is doing really well and the times are convenient. They'll say "well I think Tennis is better, but there you go". They do it about every single little thing we do.

Anyway, I'm sure you get the picture.

Having nothing to do with these people isn't an option. Not getting into conversation isn't an option, because they ask loads and loads of questions.

OP posts:
Mammajay · 08/08/2019 09:20

Perhaps say with a smile, ah not your circus,not your monkeys!

HairyDogsOfThigh · 08/08/2019 09:28

I love Biggles suggestion.
What i might try is to turn the questioning on to them. So they say, why don't you go to Tunisia/paint it that colour/etc. I would ask, 'why do you think that?' Let them waffle on a bit, it also focusses them on actually having a reason, rather than just rubbishing your choice. Then, at the end, just say 'hmmm, interesting', in a flat voice and change the subject.

Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 08/08/2019 14:24

My MIL was like this. Drove me up the wall. I used to just say "ah well, this works for us" or "these days the research actually says xyz"

NoSauce · 08/08/2019 14:32

Bloody hell they sound bad. You could either point out that you’re tired of their unwanted advice and it’s not appreciated or just a plain old “ oh shut the fuck up will you?! “

I think the latter is best Wink

WeatherSchmeather · 08/08/2019 14:33

@biggles50 This actually reminds me I said something similar to my brother years ago that seemed to shut him up. Something along the lines of “How about you write down all your worldly-wise advice for me with step-by-step instructions for how I can do things the right way so I have a handy reference for whenever anything comes up.”

Totally forgot about that bit of sass.

Skittlesandbeer · 08/08/2019 15:04

I think I’d laugh loudly, with an undertone of incredulity, every time. Laugh over them until they peter off...

If I wanted to be more polite, I’d say ‘Ah well, lucky we all have different preferences in this world. Wouldn’t it be so boring if we were all the same, hey?!’

Craftycorvid · 08/08/2019 15:18

I’d be tempted to either: make up something really OTT (you’ve taken up naked tandem skydiving) and see what they say to that or...ask loads of incredibly detailed questions about why they feel you should take their advice - I mean 3-year-old child who has had too much sugar level of ‘yes, but why?’

1WayOrAnother · 08/08/2019 15:22

I work with a couple of people like this. They drive me mad. I don't really engage in conversation anymore other than passing pleasantries to oil the social wheels. Funny thing is I don't think they've noticed. Too busy thinking their thoughts to have any real empathy with another person previous poster is right, they are a bit like a Harry Enfield character.

messolini9 · 08/08/2019 15:35

They actually get huffy when you won't do as they say.

Then, as well as Laguna's excellent suggestion on page 1, you need to deal with the huffy aftermath:

"Why are you so bothered about my holiday/paint/bicycle/parenting being different from yours? Lighten up about it, it's simply not that important."

& if they still don't shut up:

"I'm glad your way works for you. It would be much more pleasant if you could be equally respectful of my choices."

More concerning is that you don't feel you can speak out because they are relatives. You can! - they are rude, & the huffing is designed to manipulate you into compliance. If you don't speak up now, they will continue to annoy & belittle you for the rest of their bossy little lives.

I would eventually snap & push back, something like "that's the third time you've told me I've booked the wrong holiday & actually I'm getting pissed off with the constant criticism - can you put a sock in it?"

They will huff some more, & this is your opportunity to demonstrate that you will no longer be controlled by the huffing:
"You can huff & puff all you like but it's rude to be always contradicting people's personal choices. I don't do it to you, & all I'm asking is that you stop doing it to me".

It sounds painfully irritating OP, so be brave & tackle it. People like this only get away with it because others become too cowed to call them out on their lack of manners.

messolini9 · 08/08/2019 15:38

Brother got a note pad and pen and said "jot down all the stuff we're doing wrong and why you think your opinions are more valid and I'll look over them later when we've got time."

Superb, @biggles50! x

Tupperwarelid · 08/08/2019 15:41

Sound like my parents. You wouldn't think I was nearly 50 and the mother of 2 teenagers, apparently everything I do is wrong. I'm surprised I manage to hold down a job, keep the house running and have children that aren't locked up in a young offenders institute. We are currently having building work done and where I want tiled/don't want tiled won't look right...

Thing is they wouldn't dare talk to my brother and SIL like they do me or question their decisions and choices. I frequently remind them of this.

BlingLoving · 08/08/2019 15:44

If you can't avoid them entirely, avoid them as much as possible at family events? My sister has a friend who (with her DH) are like this. Increasingly, I just move away from these conversations. But it's awful because to be honest, at social events at which they're going to be present I find it so unpleasant and stressful I don't even want to go.

In my experience, you can say, "I don't want to go Tunisia, which is why I chose spain. I'm thrilled you like Tunisia. It's just not my preference". has ZERO effect and just leads to them doubling down on the reasons you should go to Tunisia. It feels like you have to justify every choice or comment you make. It's exhausting.

[I recently unfriended them on Facebook. Honestly, it was so liberating! Grin ]

Allthebiscuits · 08/08/2019 16:55

Silence is golden. Simply smile and raise your eyebrows at the same time. It's a therapist's secret weapon - neutral expression that communicates acknowledgement of what they've said without any indication of your opinion about it. Let that sit with them for the moment and either change the subject or ask with concern how they are...works a bloody treat!

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