For thinking about leaving him because...

[mediocrity]

his response to dd's late-night, overtired, learning-to-potty-train-therefore-obsessed-with-the-loo tantrum was to "lock her in there by herself" and his response to a different tantrum was "she's not crying out of pain, she needs to be given something real to cry about." Am I being unreasonable for wanting to kick him to the curb?

p.s. I posted awhile back about whether or not to leave when the marriage is mediocre. Now I'm increasingly feeling that his attitude towards dd is making it much worse than just mediocre.

o for gods sake! I wish everyone could escape that silly idea that 2 parents are better than 1 unless violence is involved

Um that would be because EVERY study, EVER done shows that whatever the state of your marriage, ultimately kids are happier, more stable, do better at school if the parents are still together.

Its not a "silly" idea, it may be unpalatable to a lot of people who want a easy out, but its far from silly

I would never judge what went on in someone elses marriage, but don't stick your head in the sand over the effects breaking it up causes.

mediocrity, Would he go for marrige counselling or on a parenting course?
Hsve you talked to him about all this?

Every study??
I think you'll find that you're talking what's commonly known as bollocks.
It is well known that children from HAPPY STABLE SECURE AND LOVING marriages are likely to be more 'successful' or w/e BUT this doesn't count if the relationship is a bad one!!
I stayed in a bad relationship for 6 years, and within 6 months of leaving it my daughter had changed dramatically to become a happy, confident, secure and well adjusted little girl.

I come from a single parent family and i can honestly say i had a very happy childhood and the only thing that used to spoil it was when my so called 'father' would come and take us out which would consist of him dragging up round endless car lots or boat yards.

My mother did a wonderful job bringing us up and me and my sister followed on from her good example of working hard and making the most of what you have in any situation. In an ideal world every child would come from a loving two parent family but sadly this is not reality and as long as the child is loved and well cared for by the person who looks after them then i don't see a problem.

wierd bird - what studies? the ones in the Daily Mail? What on earth are you on about. my head is not in the sand, its in a happy place, where my children are balance and happy and loved, and don't need 2 parents bickering under the same roof to achieve that. Whats really funny is my children now have 4 parents - my ex and his new lovely partner who he gets on great with and who really loves my children, and me and my husband, who loves them so much he gave up full time work to spend more time with them. Do me a favour - don't quote 'studies' that you have just invented to suit your sadly misinformed argument.

only read op, but maybe this is just a term he's used to growing up with? As a kid I regularly was told 'if you don't stop crying I'll give you something to cry about' Not nice. Nasty threat but nothing ever came of it. Just a very mean way of saying 'shut up'. Don't know your other issues, but this by itself is not something to end a marrieage/relationship over.

I suppose I didn't expect to get a consensus on MN but definitely wasn't expecting to start a fight! I wish there was a "right" answer. Clearly, I need to figure that out for myself. I do appreciate all of the input.

To try to answer a few of the questions:

• I don't think he's depressed. I see his reactions as much more of an "anger management" issue.
• I don't know whether or not I still love him. I want to but I'm not so sure that I do. I'm torn.

I'm not looking for an "easy way out". This is far from easy. I know there would be effects on my dd and I'm not taking that matter lightly. If I was just looking for an excuse to leave, I would have left already.

• Counseling, and parenting classes are not really an option. First of all we're not in the UK at the moment and there are no real services where we are. Second, I can't imagine him agreeing to it. Something to think about though if I manage to track down some options.

Leati and others - I don't think you're being the "bad guy". I know that there are different sides to this, people who will think I should get out now and others that will think I should stay and try to fix things. I don't know what I was looking for when I started the thread but it has helped me think things through a bit more.

Mediocrity I really feel 4u...probably because I am in exactly the same situation...except I have 4yr old twin boys.

I try talking to dh about how he treats/speaks to our sons ...to no avail.

We can't have a decent conversation. He cannot talk, he shouts (and adds a few choice expletives)..often our sons hear this and come running through to us and try to tell dh to stop shouting at mummy...I shoo them away because this makes dh even angrier. I too am caught "between a rock and a hard place".

I don't want my sons to grow up thinking thats the way you talk to women...or anyone for that matter.

I stay because I think it's best 4my boys...they mostly seem to love him - even though he's often as nasty as anything with them - and, although they have each said at some point in the past that I ought to "send daddy away", when he comes home from work they dive to greet him with joyous shouts of "Daddy".

I too daren't leave him in charge of them..sometimes I suspect that he has fostered this fear in me that he will really lose his temper with them and hurt them simply to prevent me from asking him to watch them for a while.

I dont know whether I love him or not but this is not an issue for me because,whatever happens, I will always only do what is best for my boys...but what is best for my boys in this situation?...THAT is the 64,000 dollar question..and sadly I don't have the answer either.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do. xx

Gbrad - what a horrible situation, my heart goes out to you and your boys.