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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking about leaving him because...

58 replies

mediocrity · 02/08/2007 21:12

his response to dd's late-night, overtired, learning-to-potty-train-therefore-obsessed-with-the-loo tantrum was to "lock her in there by herself" and his response to a different tantrum was "she's not crying out of pain, she needs to be given something real to cry about." Am I being unreasonable for wanting to kick him to the curb?

p.s. I posted awhile back about whether or not to leave when the marriage is mediocre. Now I'm increasingly feeling that his attitude towards dd is making it much worse than just mediocre.

OP posts:
divastrop · 02/08/2007 21:14

YANBU

saying a child needs to be given something real to cry about are the words of a bully

Meglet · 02/08/2007 21:17

YANBU. If he was really serious when he said it I think I'd be worried about the future. he sounds a bit mean, putting it nicely.

Did you speak to him about it when he said it?

veryverytiredmum · 02/08/2007 21:17

This sounds a bit dangerous, however it could be "tounge-in-cheek"...Let him know in no uncertain terms that you dislike these comments. Remember a child does not make the marriage it takes two (plus an awful lot of discussion) Only you will know in your heart what to do. Not a lot of help but have a hug from a very very tired old mother!!

newlifenewname · 02/08/2007 21:18

Sounds terribly unkind and I'd be worried what lurked beneath comments such as those, so YANBU.

Original poster
mediocrity · 02/08/2007 21:19

I responded verbally to the loo threat. Can't remember about the "real pain" comment. I know I glared at him. It's not the first time he's said stuff like that. He knows full well how I feel about it.

OP posts:
veryverytiredmum · 02/08/2007 21:24

"He knows full well how I feel about it. "

Does he? If he keeps saying those things then something is not getting through. Potty training is tough (i pushed my son too early and set him back months) if your daughter heard this (which is boarder-line mental abuse) then he needs a quick sharp kick in the "googlies"! - or seriously just remind him that she is a child and should be getting praise and not verbal abuse.

Original poster
mediocrity · 02/08/2007 21:26

I went out last night and he stayed home with her (she was already asleep, I think this was the 3 or 4th time I've actually left her alone with him for more than an hour). She woke up and ended up getting up (he is 100% incapable of comforting her / getting her back to sleep). When I got home, he informed me that she is "likely to end up busting her head open at some point" because she has taken to climbing up on the toilet and leaning over to the sink on her tip toes. Apparently, after three rounds of her asking to pee and then not peeing, he just left her in the bathroom by herself. His attitude is essentially, "let her fall, that way she'll learn her lesson and not do it again".

OP posts:
Original poster
mediocrity · 02/08/2007 21:29

Or, he's sayng it to make me livid. We've talked about it several times. We have VERY different outlooks on how to parent. VERY.

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 02/08/2007 21:32

I think the important thing to realise is it's very good for children to see their parents differ. See it as a bonus, not something bad. That's why two parents are better than one.

The important thing is to realise half the time most of us are wrong and our other half is right and to approach them with humility may be.

LowFatPumpkinJuice · 02/08/2007 21:34

YANBU - if I was i your situation I would feel quite scared for my DD , certainly would not leave him alone with her.

Sorry if that bad - dont mean to be, but what you have written so far is shocking of a parental attitude to say the least.

madamez · 02/08/2007 21:36

He's a potential abuser ie a selfish bully who likes to exercise power over other people.
Sorry hon but there it is.

Original poster
mediocrity · 02/08/2007 21:37

LowFatPumpkin - I'm not planning on leaving her alone with him again. I don't want to risk it.

Xenia - I don't think we have to agree about everything but I think there is something fundamentally wrong with threatening to make her "feel real pain" regardless of whether or not her ever does it.

OP posts:
divastrop · 02/08/2007 21:41

how old is she?

i think its ok to let older children(ie old enough to know better)learn their lesson sometimes,but a small child needs to be kept out of danger by their parents.

i dont agree that its good for children to see very different parenting styles,its confusing for them,they need consistancy,and personally i think parenting is easier when two of you present a united front and back each other up.but you cant back your dh up if he is being a bully!

Charlottesweb · 02/08/2007 21:43

He's a fuckin bully!

And no, you're not being unreasonable to think of leaving him.

If all women left men who bullied their kids there would be fewer traumatised children in the world today.

Original poster
mediocrity · 02/08/2007 21:47

She's 18months old. I know, early for potty-training. It's not training, really, more like her showing an interest and becoming obsessed with it.

Thanks for all your responses. I'm glad to know that it's not just me and I'm not crazy. Course, now on to dealing with that reality...

OP posts:
Meglet · 02/08/2007 21:51

hope you can figure something out soon. Big hugs and support for you x

madamez · 02/08/2007 21:53

18 months and this arsehole is hitting her and locking her up? Get on the phone to Refuge/WOmen's aid in the morning and get out now before he starts doing the same to you if he isn't dong so alreadey.

callmeovercautious · 02/08/2007 21:59

When is he like this? Is it all the time? or has he had a bad day? Is he under pressure at work? Is he usually loving towards her?

Ask yourself alot of questions like this and add them up in your head. If you seriously can't leave her alone with him without fearing for her safety then you have to act. Trust your instincts.
x

Anna8888 · 03/08/2007 07:07

Hmm... I think he sounds far too impatient to be left alone with an 18 month undergoing potty training. Could you not hold off the potty training for a while and put her to bed earlier before you go out alone?

Judy1234 · 03/08/2007 07:15

I hadn't read the thread properly. Locking her in isn't acceptable.

My children stopped wetting the bed at night at 6 - 8 years which is very normal for children with our genetic makeup and it's a nuisance but just how it is. In the day I can't remember the age but we were certainly struggling to get it done before they started morning nursery school aged almost 3. Perhaps reading a few childcare books on normal range of ages for this is what you both need. If it's not working stop doing it and go back in a few months' time.

flightattendant · 03/08/2007 07:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

divastrop · 03/08/2007 13:46

shes 18 months?shes just a baby.what would he be like when she hits the terrible 2's ?or when shes a teenager with attitude?

i think that deep down you want to leave him.are there any local support groups who could help?there is a local group near me who help women in abusive relationships,and they helped me when i wanted to throw xh out,and it was more to do with the way he was toward my kids than to me.

PSCMUM · 03/08/2007 13:58

o god that just sounds awful, i really feel for you. 2 fighting parents are really really really not better than 1, and a Mum who is drained from arguing with Dad about not being horrible to poor little dd, is really not such a good mum as a mum who is lovely and balanced and happy because she has kicked out Dad who sounds like a total waste of space! I've done it, I know, I speak from experience - my only regret is that I waited until my oldest was 3, my youngest was 1, and so the 3 year old did notice to some extent that there was a significant change afoot. My 1 year old completely did not notice at all, and is completely unaffected. I'm not saying rush into anything, but if you think there are fundamental problems there (and really, sorry about the bluntness - it sounds to me like there are in your case, as there were in mine) get out sooner rather than later as its just so much easier for the children. Good luck! And don't be scared about being a single Mum, I've found so much support and friendship from other single Mum's that actually, its been easier to be a one parent thatn a two parent family as I am SO much less stressed and angry all the time.
Kids are happier too. good luck, I';m sure you'll do your best anyway.

Original poster
mediocrity · 03/08/2007 17:09

Just to clarify a couple of things.

Madamez - He never actually locked her in the toilet nor has he beaten her. At least for now, his bark is a lot worse than his bite. But, I worry about what it says about future actions if he would even say such things.

Anna & Xenia- we're not leading the potty-training. DD has taken it upon herself. I'm not discouraging it, obviously, but training is probably the wrong word. It doesn't seem right to "stop" it if she's the one who wants to do it. I'm aware that it's earlier than normal.

And, his frustration is not specific to the potty-training. He can't deal anytime she has a trantrum (which, unfortunately happens frequently enough) and thinks we should "just let her fall" if she's doing something dangerous so that she "learns her lesson". In other ways, he can be loving towards her but his temper and attitude worry me.

As for putting her to bed earlier when I go out - she is not a good sleeper and often wakes up again and he is incapable of getting her back to sleep. After the other night, I won't be leaving him alone with her again.

Any opinions on whehter it's worth trying to get counseling to see if he can manage his anger or is that useless?

OP posts:
divastrop · 03/08/2007 17:44

IME men with anger issues can only be helped if they accept 100% that they need help,and dont try to justify their actions or what they say in any way.however,if he hasnt been around children much and really doesnt understand that your dd is behaving normally for her age,then maybe a parenting course could help?i went on a couple when my eldest 2 were 2 and 3,and it helped me so much,as before then i didnt have a clue what was 'normal' behaviour etc,or how to deal with it,i just used to smack their bums if they were 'naughty',like my mum did with me.i needed to learn there were better ways of doing things,and that alot of what i thought was 'bad' behaviour was just normal for their ages.

the question is,do you love him and want to work this out?