To feel judged for not going back to work yet.

[Shootingstar1115]

DS is 8, DD is just 4 and due to start school in September but we have been in contact with the school apart starting her part time rather than full days.

Anyway, OH works long hours, earns an ok wage, we own our home and just about manage financially and I’ve been a stay at home mum since DS was small.

I must add, both DC have additional needs which makes things harder. DS has autism, DD has a mild physical disability, global developmental delay and an expressive speech disorder.

Everyone keeps asking when I’m going back to work. I plan to and I want to but it’s not as easy as that. OH works alternate shifts every week so finding a job around his hours is near impossible.

We live in the middle of nowhere. I would have to travel at least 15 miles for a job I would imagine. I would need to find a job 10am-2pm but then again DD is potentially only going part time to start with giving me no time to get a no.

Our families don’t help. The local schools do breakfast and after school clubs on certain days but these are costly and I don’t think DS would cope with it and DD wouldn’t cope with the long days. She will barely cope with 6 hours (hence the possible part time).

What other options are there? Myself and other half have consisdered both working part time around each other’s hours (perhaps in the same place) but he has a decent job and decent wage where he is and we would proably be worse off this way.

What am I going to do whilst their at school? Other than stay home and clean (I wouldn’t do a lot else, I don’t have many friends or hobbies).

I’ve thought about joining the school as a TA but I am not sure it’s for me tbh.

Feeling guilty for not contributing a wage to the household and being seen as ‘lazy’ which in all honesty is far from the truth. I am up at 5am every day, my kids are full on all day, they don’t even go to the toilet themselves and I can’t go upstairs without them following me. I don’t get five minutes to myself and DS takes hours to go to bed where I have to lie with him. I also care and clean for my elderly grandparents! One exhausted mamma

How do working parents do it? I’m exhausted as it is!

Aibu to want to be a stay at home mum for a little bit longer? Maybe I’ll take a few months to decorate the house whilst their at school!

Sorry a bit long...

No, if as a family you can afford to then it doesn't matter what people think.

You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. Finding jobs to work around school hours is very hard. Maybe once your second is settled at school you could look at having a childminder before and after school a couple of days a week? It depends on what's available in your area though

My kids are 6, 3 and 8 months, none have any disabilities and I’m on maternity leave. I have good family support and my husband works regular hours and gets home by bedtime. I am exhausted, and dreading going back to work and trying to juggle it all.

You do not need to justify staying home. As long as your husband and you are happy with that choice for your family, that is all that matters. I doubt anyone is actually judging by the way, I know lots of stay at home mums and none feel they need to justify it.

Hopefully your daughter settles quickly and you get a chance to chill for a bit during the week. Then if you do want to you can look for work, but no need to rush it

I'm the other way OP. I get judged for going back way too early. Even though it's term time only. People just love to have an opinion.

Please don't dwell. If your family can afford it then stay at home. The amount of meetings and other appointments families of children with additional needs are expected to attend. That, on top of school hours etc. Any one that knew your circumstances would not blame you for not returning to work.

I've had to reduce my hours due to DC starting school- it's so restrictive and impossible to hold down a job that doesn't fit in with the hours. Much easier when they were younger- less time was expected of me.

I find the link people make between productivity and morality quite strange really. Life isn't some kind of endurance competition where we are going to be rewarded in heaven proportionate to the amount of effort put in. It only becomes a moral concern in my view if you're freeloading off someone else. In this case that could only be your dp and if he's happy it's no one else's business.

That said, if you do feel you'll be bored while they're at school, and/or make some money you could look at flexible things you could do from home. Matched betting is mentioned on here quite a bit, you could look into that, book keeping, proof reading. If it's more about getting out and meeting people you could volunteer or study to build new skills? What do you want to do?

I don't think a few months are a big deal in the circumstances. You've explained clearly why you're not imminently going to be working.

There was a thread earlier today in chat (I think) about the different kinds of "bank" work people do. Could be something to explore perhaps?

I find the link people make between productivity and morality quite strange really. Life isn't some kind of endurance competition where we are going to be rewarded in heaven proportionate to the amount of effort put in.

I was thinking along similar lines, but didn't have the energy to try and express it. It's the same with the weird obsession about "part timers" and everyone being obsessively required to work the random number of hours our society has decided constitute "full time". Who cares.

If I were you op I’d look at voluntary work or something very flexi I could do from home. X

You don’t need to justify it to anyone: it’s a decision for you and your dh to make together. Is he happy for you to remain at home longer? Are you taking steps to protect yourself financially long term too?
That’s really all that matters

As a bit of an aside, a TA role can be quite demanding and you’re often dealing with children with complex needs, so please don’t see it as just a ‘convenient fitting in’ job. I’m a teacher. A good TA is worth their weight in gold but it’s not something I’d advise doing just for convenience.

I would never judge you in a million years. You've got plenty on your plate. I went back to work when dd was 9 months but my situation is completely different and does not give me the right to judge you.

Do you get DLA and carer's allowance? That would boost the finances quite a bit.

Rather than a TA you could maybe look at school dinner lady or similar as the salary would mean you could keep the DLA and carers, but If you want to stay at home and can afford to then you don't have to justify it to anyone. I can tell you now that getting school holiday childcare for children with additional needs is virtually impossible and extremely stressful.

You'll be judged whatever you decide to do. Don't waste time worrying what other people think you should be doing. Fuck them. It's none of their business.

Having kids is exhausting, having kids with extra needs is off the scale!
What about looking at some voluntary work, a course, doing something for yourself, then when you know the little one is settled you can reassess the situation. Don't ever feel pressured by others to go back to work you and your oh must do what's right for your family. You'll be judged whatever may as well do what's right for you - not what family, friends, acquaintances think you should be doing.

People need to mind their own business! You've got enough on your plate.

Do your children receive DLA? If not, have you considered applying? If they get it, you can also claim Carer's Allowance, which acknowledges the number of hours a week it takes to care for your children.

Alternatively, could you be entitled to Carer's allowance for caring for your DGPs?

Who is “everyone”? Do they know the demands of one child with additional needs, let alone two? Do they realise the additional appointments, extra physical and emotional demands and how shitty the system is? Do they understand the bone crushing exhaustion of it all? If you would like to work then by all means, go for it OP, but otherwise ignore, ignore, ignore.

If you can get by financially being a stay at home mum then absolutely do it!!

I have a job and three kids. My husband works long hours. It’s fine, but I’d love to be a stay at home mum. I’d do a much better job of raising my kids if I had more time and energy for them.

It’s not lazy, you have had 8 years of being at home full time with what sounds like a very busy household. The school day is short and terms are short, you’ll still be ridiculously busy either side of the school day. If I were you I would certainly start off with some day time tv, a cup of tea and a packet of biscuits and enjoy a well earned rest during the school day. Then when you get bored of that maybe do something else for yourself during that time.

Does "everyone" really ask this ? How very odd. In my circle everyone just do what works for them.

I am a single parent and work full time but would never judge! It's what works for your family and me working full time means me and my son can survive but I'm sure I'm judged for working so many hours.

Just smile and say....never

Will shut them right up

Our OT from the disabilities team often commented that she has no idea how parents in our situations work full time.

With no family help you will struggle to find after school care for children with SEN, there will be appointments and therapies. If you can afford not to work, and aren’t too fussed about taking longer off then I wouldn’t hurry back to work.

I work full time and even with 1 DD who has a disability but no complex needs, I sometimes struggle to fit it all in.

YANBU. Unless you have tried to find wrap around care for SEN kids, you really shouldn't judge! I work 3 days a week, dh 4 compressed days and we have a complicated and expensive childcare arrangement 2 days a week. It only works because we are well paid.

Maybe consider working as a dinner lady or possibly as a virtual PA from home. But if you are getting by ok and have applied for everything you are entitled to, I wouldn't worry about being a sahm. Please don't let others attitudes get you down.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like a good idea for you to get a job atm if you can manage without. I would wait until your youngest is settled into school full time. Even then if you're likely to need time off for appointments and to look after sick children etc. then you might find it hard.

When you are ready to work you'll have to think about what you can realistically do, there are options. School hours jobs are like hen's teeth. There aren't as many TA jobs around these days due to cuts so if your heart isn't in it I wouldn't go for that. Perhaps an office job in school might suit better? Other than that I'd think about going self-employed so you can have a bit more flexibility. Round here you can earn more cleaning than as a TA anyway, or take in ironing, or walk dogs/feed cats. Depends what skills you have but there will be something that will work for you.

Fuck 'em ...

If you can afford it, crack on lass.

Defo sounds like the bashers are jealous of you! Ignore them.