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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel awful about putting my baby in nursery two days a week

47 replies

CathyandHeathcliff · 07/08/2019 17:27

My DS is almost 10 months old. He had his second settling in session today. We stayed with him for the most part as he was very distressed, particularly when his keyworker (who is nice, but seems a little inexperienced) tried to interact or pick him up.
He was distracted with edible messy play, so we took the opportunity to leave him in there with his key worker and just go and sit in the office. He was fine at first, then we heard his cry when he realised we had gone. He stopped crying again, but we heard him start up on and off.
We went back in after 15 mins and he was really distressed, really sobbing real tears 😭
I felt so awful. My DP seems to think he’ll be fine, but I just can’t help thinking it’ll be me dropping him off there two days a week on my way to work and I don’t know how I’ll manage to leave him when he’s that distressed. I suffer with my mental health anyway, so I can’t see how I’ll cope.
Everything I’ve read says if you leave them there and you have anxiety it rubs off on them, how on earth can I not be anxious? 🤷‍♀️

I’m starting to really panic as I go back to work in September. He has 7 more one hour settling in sessions and we’re hoping to leave him for the full hour at one session near the end of August.
I keep feeling a childminder would be a better choice, but when I did a local search, there either weren’t any available at all or they were fully booked for babies on the days I need.

I don’t know what to do.
I keep trying to work out if it’s feasible I don’t go back to work, but I don’t think it is.

OP posts:
OrangeSlices998 · 07/08/2019 17:30

Is there a reason your DH can’t drop him off as well, share that responsibility? It will get easier but it’s bound to be tough for all of you at the beginning. He is safe, and will be happy and gave lots to play with, try to see the positives and remember how much he’ll get out of it.

looloo247 · 07/08/2019 17:31

He will get used to it, my little boy started 2 days a week at a similar age and used to cry every time I dropped him off and was a nightmare for them at nap time too. Now he's 20 months old and walks in waving to me every morning and cries when we pick him up. We've even upped his days to 3 because we can tell how much he loves it. I won't lie, it is hard to start with but hang in there and it will be ok!

Trafalger · 07/08/2019 17:32

He is coming in to peak separation anxiety time. He will get used to it I promise you. Could you ask about doing a longer settling in session? An hour doesn't seem very long to me. When my child went at 7 months old her settling in sessions were 3 hours and she seemed so happy when I went to collect her.

gracepoolesrum · 07/08/2019 17:33

No answer but I feel your pain, I'll have to return to work when my lo is the same age and she'll be in a nursery at least 4 days a week. I'm dreading it already but aside from financial necessity I want to set her an example by having a career and am mindful that she won't be a baby forever and I want to have a life to go back to.

Phineyj · 07/08/2019 17:33

I mean this in the nicest possible way, but if your DS is with a well trained caregiver he'll be fine. You need to drop and go. Hanging around will just distress both of you and stress the carer. What is the reason your DP can't drop? You will still be spending 5 days with your child which is pretty good I think.

The main thing is to work out how to trust the professional carers so you can concentrate at work, or the whole thing is rather pointless!

SleepingStandingUp · 07/08/2019 17:33

Is there any way DH can do the drop off?

Her0utdoors · 07/08/2019 17:41

He still has plenty settling sessions to go, give it a little more time. It's heart breaking though, really really tough. Could you ask for a different key worker, at dd's nursery the babiwxhoose their own after a couple of weeks when they have shown a preference for one of the staff. In my area, childminders aren't as cuddly or child centred as could be hoped and babies spend a lot of time in prams being pushed round on pick ups and not getting naps when they need one. It will become the new normal, give it time x

Original poster
CathyandHeathcliff · 07/08/2019 17:43

My DH can’t really do the drop off as he leaves the house at 7:15am and he doesn’t use the car, he goes in on the train.
The nursery isn’t quite in walking distance and I need the car to get to work Sad

OP posts:
Aria2015 · 07/08/2019 17:51

This would make me sad too but from my friends experiences, they do settle eventually and often come to love nursery. I was lucky on two counts that family looked after lo while I worked and he didn't develop separation anxiety until he was much older (2+) by which time he was used to family looking after him. Not sure what to suggest other than to say YANBU to have it upset you and that I hope he settles soon Thanks.

HotChocolateLover · 07/08/2019 17:56

It will be tough at first but you will get through it and so will he. My nursery days are long behind me but my sister is just starting it with her eldest DD. They have an app that you can login to securely and the staff upload pics and give details about what she’s eaten. Does your son’s nursery do that? If not, can you do a few half days for the settling in period and maybe your husband could as well. Good luck.

DearTeddyRobinson · 07/08/2019 18:02

Would there be an option for a local nanny share, or a nanny? We had a lovely girl who was happy with 2 days a week as it fitted around her other job of fitness instructor. Try childcare.co.uk and care.com, you might get lucky. If you're in SW London I can recommend someone :-)

Original poster
CathyandHeathcliff · 07/08/2019 18:05

Thanks for all the suggestions.

It’s very difficult for either of us to do half days as we both work in school.

He’ll be with me on Monday and Tuesday (my days off), his grandparents on Wednesday and at the nursery Thursday and Friday. I started off thinking this was a good balance, but now I’m starting to worry loads because of his reaction since the settling in sessions.

I’m not sure if I can ask to change key workers as it’s quite a small nursery and they have ratios of staff/child in each room, there’s the baby toddler room and pre school area. Also I’m not sure what I’d say and whether he’d even prefer another worker anyway.
I think they only offer these free settling sessions once a day, at an hour a day. It’ll still be twice a week, so I’m hoping that’ll be enough 😩

OP posts:
1stmonkey · 07/08/2019 18:12

7 settling in sessions!! That's a lot!! Was a few years ago now but i remem er my daughter had 3 settle sessions, first for an hour, second for 2 and last one for half a day. Maybe things are different now?

It is hard but unless you can be a sahm mum, needs must. It might take a few visits but he will get over it. I would avoid staying there for settling in sessions. So long as you're confident he's safe and being well looked after, i'd let them get on with it. Can't be great for him to know you'll be there if he cries, and must be difficult for the staff to know you're watching their every move.

Original poster
CathyandHeathcliff · 07/08/2019 18:38

@1stmonkey they actually suggested we stay as he was unsettled and because he’s so young , they didn’t want him to get really distressed and connect the nursery with a place to be upset or frightened on his first few visits.

OP posts:
Fatted · 07/08/2019 18:43

It's horrible to begin with but he will be fine and you will be fine.

I went back to work full time when my eldest was 7 months old. It was shit. But I had to do it. He settled in very quickly. It will get easier I promise.

Bottledate · 07/08/2019 18:50

My DD started two days at nursery at 1 when I returned to work. She only had a couple of settling in hours and was (and still is) massively clingy. I basically didn't feel I had a choice if I wanted to start working. She's about to enter her last year there and although drop offs were hard for a long time (year or so), it was only drop off and all in all I think it was worth it.

I have to say I give a lot of credit to the nursery staff but think you have to make sure that someone will actively collect/welcome DS and help to settle down - in my experience some staff are better at this than others.

Bear2014 · 07/08/2019 18:52

He will be fine OP, this is completely normal. Sounds like an excessive settling period to me - ours both had an hour, then 2 half days, then straight in. 9 months and 11 months old respectively. The tears at drop off stopped after a couple of weeks then they both absolutely loved it. DD had to be dragged out on many occasions as she was having too mych fun.

Pinkout · 07/08/2019 18:55

Try a childminder. I used one for wraparound care with my older DC before I went on maternity leave and she was fantastic. I’m using one for all of my DC including the baby when I return to work next month.

This is peak separation anxiety time, my DS is nine months old and experiencing it too. I just think a nursery setting can be quite overwhelming compared to a childminders home.

Cuppa12345 · 07/08/2019 18:58

It will get better but also try not to sneak off when he's not looking as it'll make him more upset when he realises you've gone. Give him a kiss, tell him "love you, be good, see you at 5" and wave him off. It'll take a few times but he'll get the idea you are coming back and they are fine.

My 1 year old wanted to stay with her childminder the other day and wouldn't come back to me 🙄

Crabbitstick · 07/08/2019 19:04

Agree with another poster - don’t sneak off. He needs to learn that you go and that you
come back. Be as bright, breezy and happy as possible so he doesn’t pick up on your emotions (cry in the car park!).
Why do you think he was upset while you were still there?
It will get better but you need to stick with it - really it would be odd if he wasn’t sad?
Make sure he’s got practise being apart from you. Introduce a comforter if you can. Lots of cuddles and close time when he is with you.
It’s hard but it’ll will be fine!

CottonSock · 07/08/2019 19:07

I was called back to nursery for dd2 first settling in session without me. She was that bad! Within a few weeks fine, but crying at drop off can last a while even if they enjoy it.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 07/08/2019 19:11

Completely normal. Only thing I would say is that with only 2 days a week it may take a little longer to settle than if he was going every day.

The first few months are hard but before you know it you'll be upset because he is running to his key worker and ignoring you when you say bye! Everyone feels like this at first. Honestly. Please give it some time to work.

And he is only going to be doing 2 days a week from when hes 11 months. Lots of kids go in at 6 months full time so count yourself lucky.

When you drop him off just remain positive - you're going to nursery to see key worker / its messy play today/ yay!' And just smile and say have a great day, see you after tea, bye! And walk out with a grin on your face and a wave, even if you cry when you're round the corner. The kids who had long drawn out goodbyes always seemed to be worse (though i dont know if they had long goodbyes because they were worse or the other way round if that makes sense!)
Good luck

reetgood · 07/08/2019 19:15

My boy was like this in terms of I had to pride him off me, and it took months. He still cries when I drop him off: he started at 9 months old and is now 19 months!

I have photographic evidence that he’s actually fine. I did worry a bit that he took so long to settle but my childminder reassured me that if she thought there really was a problem, she’d let me know. It takes me 10 mins to get him out of there now, as he tells me allll about the things they do :D and shows me all the cars...

Honestly, the best thing you can do is drop him off, give him a big kiss and walk away. Don’t drag it out, don’t go back! It’s helpful if he has one person who can stick with him during transition and be distracting/ comforting. My boy needs to sit on my childminders lap for 5/10 mins before he wants to engage with what’s going on for example.

cansu · 07/08/2019 19:24

tbh I think you may be prolonging the agony with the 7 settling in sessions. He will settle and you can't expect him to bond with or be soothed by the nursery worker in such a short space of time whilst you are around. He will get used to the routine. If you think the nursery a good one, you will need to take a leap of faith, hand him over and let them settle him. If you are going back to work then you will be busy and this should help you too.

suckerforbrowneyes · 07/08/2019 19:28

It’s hard but you just need to drop him off, say bye and go.

Hanging around often makes them worse (in my experience)

If you’re worried then phone the nursery when you get to work and check in.

He will settle though....and if he’s anything like mine he’ll be crying when you have to take him away at the end of the day 🤣

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