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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel awful about putting my baby in nursery two days a week

47 replies

CathyandHeathcliff · 07/08/2019 17:27

My DS is almost 10 months old. He had his second settling in session today. We stayed with him for the most part as he was very distressed, particularly when his keyworker (who is nice, but seems a little inexperienced) tried to interact or pick him up.
He was distracted with edible messy play, so we took the opportunity to leave him in there with his key worker and just go and sit in the office. He was fine at first, then we heard his cry when he realised we had gone. He stopped crying again, but we heard him start up on and off.
We went back in after 15 mins and he was really distressed, really sobbing real tears 😭
I felt so awful. My DP seems to think he’ll be fine, but I just can’t help thinking it’ll be me dropping him off there two days a week on my way to work and I don’t know how I’ll manage to leave him when he’s that distressed. I suffer with my mental health anyway, so I can’t see how I’ll cope.
Everything I’ve read says if you leave them there and you have anxiety it rubs off on them, how on earth can I not be anxious? 🤷‍♀️

I’m starting to really panic as I go back to work in September. He has 7 more one hour settling in sessions and we’re hoping to leave him for the full hour at one session near the end of August.
I keep feeling a childminder would be a better choice, but when I did a local search, there either weren’t any available at all or they were fully booked for babies on the days I need.

I don’t know what to do.
I keep trying to work out if it’s feasible I don’t go back to work, but I don’t think it is.

OP posts:

Muffin3 · 07/08/2019 19:45

Ah he’s at peak for separation anxiety so that’s probably not helping. My dd started nursery 2 days a week at 6months old and I felt terrible at the time but it’s done her the world of good, she loves it there!
If you technically have 7 hours worth of settling in I’d maybe see if you can do x2 2hours then x1 3hour session. I think he may find it easier even if he does cry to start with, there’s longer for him to get use to the environment and adapt. And take yourself off for a coffee whilst he’s there

converseandjeans · 07/08/2019 19:49

He'll be fine - probably better to just drop and go rather than being nearby as he'll keep calling/crying out for you more. Plenty more sessions to go!

MustardScreams · 07/08/2019 19:51

Aww op it does get better! Promise.

Dd was 23 months when she started nursery. So well aware that mummy had left. We did 2/3 settling in sessions and then just went for it. By the end of the first week she would cry at drop off, but stopped as soon as I left (I know because I used to hang around outside the door). 2 weeks in she was asking to go on her days off!

She’s been there since December and it’s her favourite place. She has blossomed into a confidant, very talkative toddler, and I put it all down to nursery! Her potty training was also a dream because they basically did it all. Trained with 2 days, no accidents at all.

It’s hideous the first few weeks. You feel guilty, you’re worried you’re making a bad decision, that this will affect your baby in some way. It won’t! It’s just something new, and even adults struggle with change, we just don’t cry about it in front of people. Give it a few weeks, see how you get on and if there is no improvement you can evaluate and come up with another strategy.

Alb1 · 07/08/2019 19:53

Try and get your DH to do the next settling session and see if it makes any difference. Im sure after 7 more sessions he will be fine, it is hard leaving them when they are sad but they soon get used to it and learn to love it. Once he nos their routine hel enjoy it more

user1480880826 · 07/08/2019 19:54

Make sure you are very happy and keep smiling while you’re there with him. Don’t let him see you looking even slightly sad or worried.

Never leave the room without saying goodbye and explaining that you will come back. You might think a 10 month old is too young to understand but they will understand and eventually they will realise you mean it when you say you’re coming back. Sneaking out when they’re not looking is absolutely the worst thing you can do.

Also, try playing games that involve hiding things/yourself so that he starts to understand that things can be out of sight and it doesn’t mean they have totally disappeared.

It will be really difficult but it will get better.

It’s great that your nursery has so many settling in sessions. You have far more than anyone else I have known. I only had 2 sessions.

Bubblysqueak · 07/08/2019 19:55

With my professional head on (ex-nursey nurse) best tips are-

do not sneak out, you must say a clear and quick goodbye

-do not hang around, quick kiss, Goodbye then leave -phone the nursery to check he's ok rather than hang around outside/looking through the window as you will be spotted.

With my mum head on, it's really difficult, especially this age but they will get used to it .

Thegracefuloctopus · 07/08/2019 20:05

My goodness you're making this so hard. 7 1hour long settle sessions?!!! My DS was 8.5 month had 3 and was fine! The longer you make it the harder it is for both of you. He will get used to you being there so become more upset when you leave. I cannot stress how much better it is for all of you if you just drop off, do handover, and go. Don't fluff them, it just lings it out. DS is now 10 months and loves it

Headinabook55 · 07/08/2019 20:14

Id suggest a childminder too. We used ours for 4 full years! Term time only too, I am a teacher, which saved on cost.

My younger one started nursery at age 3 when our childminder retired and my older one went to school. I have to say that while I think nursery is excellent for age 2.5 onwards, a good childminder is unparalleled.

You could check out Nanny shares if your own Nanny is too pricey an option, too

nespressowoo · 07/08/2019 20:15

My son was like this, OP. Took about 2 months to settle, he's nearly 3 now and he loves it. And I love them. It'll be a sad day when he leaves.

Fibbib · 07/08/2019 20:16

I would not disappear whilst he is playing, he will panic when he sees you have gone. I would get him interested in play, key person engage with him then quickly say bye bye mummy will be back soon, wave walk away and the keyperson will comfort him if he cries repeati g the words mummy will be back soon. Leave him for 10 mins to see if keyperson can settle him. Then go back in the room say mummies back and repeat each time. I know he is very young but it's amazing how much they understand. And try to give a positive vibe on the way to nursery babies/ children pick up on adults body language.

xtinak · 07/08/2019 20:22

I put my DD in at 6 months for 3 days and sure she cried a bit at first but she loves it now. I actually feel happy to leave her in much more experienced and capable hands than mine for those days. I've learned from them. Lots and lots of people go through this and im sure it's rare to be anything other than fine in the end. You can do this! All the best

Fibbib · 07/08/2019 20:26

I know this tip is to late for you now ,but it may help other mums who are on mat leave. If you are planning to go back to work before your baby is 1. If you can afford it put baby in nursery for 1 morning or afternoon from 3 or 4 months old. That way they don't have separation anxiety they are happy with anyone who feeds cuddles changes them. By the time you go back to work baby is used to the nursery and it will be stress free.

Don't feel guilty nursery staff will not be judging you they will think it's a sensible idea. I have seen this work many times before I have been a nursery practitioner for 25 years.

Butterfly02 · 07/08/2019 20:40

I've had 3 go to nursery two days a week 1 from 6months, other 2 from 1 year old through to starting school.
They all cried at first I found best thing was a quick handover to staff (best for child) then I'd call up an hour later they'd be fine (it helped me settle) it does get easier, becomes part of the daily routine (the guilt gets less). Mine are all ks2-4 now and all still talk fondly of there time at nursery / particular staff. In fact my eldest had a really young main carer I was anxious about but after a while I realised she was the most tuned into dd and her needs. Also does DC have a favorite teddy / comforter or can you have one just for nursery - I used to sleep with the middle dcs comforter and send it to nursery it helped him settle.

Fivebyfivesq · 07/08/2019 21:11

You have to think of nursery as an enriching and stimulating time for little ones, not you dumping them somewhere while you go off full of guilt. It’s hard but when you work full time it’s even harder. Our nursery are absolutely incredible with mine, he has friends, they do tons of really messy play which he loves, and when I drop him off he giggles and squeaks with excitement!!

Fivebyfivesq · 07/08/2019 21:12

@Fibbib is 100% correct and it was the best advice we were ever given

MustardScreams · 07/08/2019 21:18

@Fibbib this is fab advice! I never even thought about it. I will definitely be doing this with my next baby, it will make life so much easier when I return to work.

Fibbib · 07/08/2019 21:23

Many mums feel guilty putting baby in nursery when they are on mat leave, what I always say to them is take the time to get your jobs done so that you can spend quality time with baby rather than trying to clean and look after baby.
Or do a bit of exercise , or even enjoy a coffee in peace. Happy mum equals happy baby.

SlackerMum1 · 07/08/2019 22:02

Agree 100% with @fibbib! DD started nursery at 9 months for 2 days a week while I didn’t return to work until 12 months when she went full time. Meant for the first few months we could ride out all the bugs, be flexible about start/finish times if she was tired etc but by 12 months she was kind of a pro...

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 08/08/2019 07:46

I don't mean to be awful but you'll have 4 days a week with your child. I don't know anyone in my social circle who is able to afford that so you're all very lucky.

You can't expect your child to be settled by someone else whilst he/she can see you. I'd do fewer sessions but longer and leave them as in go out the building even if it's down the road to sit in your car.

Loads of children and parents go through this and it all turns out fine so pleasr don't worry!

prettyretro · 08/08/2019 07:59

DS2 was exactly the same. When we pulled into the car park he would start to look a bit worried then when we got in the room it took me and his key worker to peel him off me and I could hear his screams as I was back in the car. The worst was one time I drove away and looked in my rear view mirror and he was banging on the patio doors screaming! I pulled round the corner and burst into tears myself. I drove to work (20 mins) and phoned to check on him and there wasn't a sound he was happily eating his breakfast.

It's horrible to start with when they're like this but it will pass. What I will say is DS2 went from being very clingy/ attached and is now age 3 and the most sociable, funny wee soul! They do get used to the routine and the more you get used to it as well he will settle.

RoseAdagio · 08/08/2019 08:24

Hang in there, it gets easier. We have just changed nurseries due to relocation. First couple of weeks the drop offs were tough, she literally hung on to us, but she would literally only cry for a minute and then be fine. It's hard to take at the time but they adapt quickly. She now smiles with glee when she sees the staff there and this last two days shes smiled with excitement at my arrival, dashed over to me for a hug then turned her back on me and gone back to playing as shes been having so much fun!

Having to work doesnt make you a bad parent and if you have to work you need childcare. Overall nursery is good for them, they get to socialize and do activities they dont get to do at home (well mine does anyway, maybe you're a bit more gung ho than I am about letting your kid do messy stuff at home, for most of us though our kids' nurseries do things we wont!)

I know how hard it is though at first so all the hugs. Please be reassured it will get better. Xxxxx

wonkylegs · 08/08/2019 10:24

It's hard because you have no point of reference and this is new for you and him. It's natural for you both to find this difficult but it's does get easier and although you will probably remember it, your child won't.
DS1 started nursery full time at 7mths and he cried a lot at first but it took a very short time for him to actually love going to the extent that he cried at pick up because he didn't want to leave the 'new toys'
He cried his eyes out l at drop off for around 6mths but luckily his nursery there was a bit where on the way out you could see them but they couldn't see you and after the first few full days it quickly became apparent that once I left his sight he settled really quickly.
When DS2 started nursery and we went through the same thing DS1 stated quite confidently that he wasn't like that when he started, as he loved nursery so never cried - he had completely forgotten that he had the same struggles when he started (there is 8yrs between them hence the quite interesting conversation)
I would say that it has taken slightly longer for DS2 who goes part time (3days a week) to settle than DS1 (who went full time) I suspect because the weekly routine is less consistent but we got there fairly quickly and now he's 3 we have days when he's disappointed he's not going to hang out with his friends.

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