To ask how you overcame severe depression?

[MouldyApple]

I could do with a lift today, I don't know how to get out of the mess I'm in. I have severe depression due to an extremely bad childhood & I'm now taking my parents to court - but it's a slow process. I'm unemployed and cacking myself how I'll ever get back into work. (haven't worked for 25yrs & no real qualifications). I'm deeply involved in therapy but I just have no self-belief. I feel scared & humiliated in front of my neighbours who know something's going on but not what. I think I must be the local 'nutty' lady. I just feel absolutely petrified most of the time. I had to go NC with my whole family because they're toxic & I left my marriage because it was coercive & abusive too.

I have two good friends but the healthier I get through my therapy, the less they like me because my progress forwards highlights how they're not dealing with the abuse in their own relationships. I feel isolated.

When I was young I had an unfallable belief that I'd make it out alive - away from my horrendous parents. Now I'm older, I no longer have that self-belief. I have no idea how to get stronger/braver & break out from my terrified place. Soon my savings will run out & then I'll have to sell my house. Then what will happen?

If you've managed to get yourself out from a place like me, please tell me how you did it. What made the difference? Many thanks

Are you under CMHT? If yes, ask for help to claim disability benefits. If you struggle with basic day to day functioning then you should definitely be eligible. Claim now before your savings run out as they can take a while to come through.

I'm not under CMHT whatever that is. I'm entirely self-funding & having therapy privately. The Nhs could only offer me cbt which wasn't going to cut it for my problems. I see several trauma specialists.

MIND is a mental health charity that offers support and advice.
Google and have a look at their website. They might be able to help.

Therapy and medication, my friend.

Exercise. I exercise every time I feel I’m going down. Cleaning when I feel like I’m drowning.

Hand holding

My family member has tried just about every medication there is. The combination that works best is the so called Californian rocket fuel, which is a venlafaxine-mirtazapine combination. That has worked when nothing else did. The only other things that really make a difference are lots of exercise and being outdoors an awful lot.

I do hope you can find some peace, and noone will be thinking of you as 'nutty'.

Sertraline is a lifesaver for me. That and giving up alcohol and therapy.

My DH first showed the signs of Bipolar disorder when he was in his early teens, but didn't have a formal diagnosis until he was 30.
Over the course of 20 + years he had numerous long hospital stays as an inpatient, took several overdoses, self harmed and self medicated with alcohol.
He had long periods of sick leave from work and had to step down from his management position in a supermarket several times resulting in a lost of income of thousands over night. He got to the point where he was only capable of collecting trollies ☹️
I spent these years trying to keep the family afloat working as many hours as I could to keep us from being declared bankrupt, while shielding our 2 children from the worst of it.
For the last 6 years he has been the most stable he has ever been, holding down a job and making sensable decisions. The main things that have helped are giving up drinking, getting enough sleep and taking his medication (he would give up taking it for weeks on end)
I wish you well and really hope you find a combination of things that work for you xx

I don't drink or smoke so that's one thing I suppose. I've given up with medication as it only increased my suicidality. I'll have a look at the Mind website. I feel so so low today..

OP did you take the medication for a while before you stopped,anti-depressives can take a long time to start working.

I have had two episodes of crippling depression,both times the medication worked wonders.It can also take a while to work out which one suits you best.

Wishing you well.

Samaritans were there when I was suicidal.

When I was on the right medication (mirtazapine) but took trialling several of them until we found the right one.

Self-care: doing things for me and for me alone, eg having a bath, sitting outside in the sun, going for a walk in the local park- it's huge! curled up reading, listening to music, cuddling cats.

Time was a great healer too. It's taken years to get when I am now but I feel so much better than I did.

You sound pretty bloody brave and strong to me! You’ve left an abusive relationship and you are dealing with the situation with your parents/court. That’s huge. You are facing up to tremendously difficult things that have happened to you and that takes real courage. Take stick of that for a moment.

In practical terms, when I had a very very bad episode of depression several years ago, medication and exercise were the game changers.

Therapy was useful in some respects, but for me finding the right anti-depressant (took a few crappy months of trying out different meds) helped enormously. And joining a gym and going most days (I was a heavy smoker, bit of a boozer, totally unfit) also massively improved my mood, confidence, energy levels.

Eating well and exercising helped me massively.

But ultimately I had to find 'meaning' again. I started volunteering and forced myself into a routine; I gained a tiny amount of self worth for the first time, and bit by bit I built on it.

I still get tough days and I'm far too hard on myself, but remind yourself you've been through a lot and you're doing your best.

You are resillient, and very strong for getting as far as you have.

Small steps. You can do this.

I am so glad to read that you're getting therapy. As your counsellor has probably explained, it is a really long process to feel better and it may take several years because dealing with really deep-seated family trauma goes right to the heart of your identity. Their abuse made you who you are, and unlearning it will mean a new version of you gradually emerges.

My best recommendation is to get out and make new friends. This can be a daunting prospect, but it really is worth it. Join a class doing something that you enjoy - and if it's something that will help you get you back into work, that would be useful too. Try to meet up with new people casually, over a coffee or a drink. Don't expect too much too fast - it takes time to develop relationships. Try to seek out people who are positive, good influences on your life - not other people with problems who will drain you.

Do everything you can to help yourself: eat well. Go to bed at a sensible time and try to get 8 hours if you can. Drink plenty of water, and cut back on alcohol. Take exercise every day. See a GP and get some medication, and keep trying with it until you notice an improvement. Basically, look after yourself.

You sound amazing

Plus keep going and slowly this will get better

Positive belief in yourself and what you have achieved

As pp said, exercise, getting outside, cleaning/tidying. Being in nature, reading outside. Gardening & growing veg.

Also getting out and doing something, even if just a walk or a trip to the shops/for coffee and a read, first thing every day - otherwise it can feel like the day slowly falls apart & you've not "achieved" anything which makes the day just feel worse and worse.

Try and schedule appointments for first thing in the morning so you have to get up and about.

Medication & time

Hi OP,
I have had severe depression all my life, also connected to childhood.
For the first time in decades I've been off medication for a year and although I have very down days I remind myself everyone does.

Key things that helped me: working out that advice like: do for a walk or run, or do some meditation help not because they improve your mood - they don;t (ime) but while you are doing them they can give you a break from it. I used to feel furious and bereft that I felt fine on a walk but just as depressed as soon as I got home. Now I think: but at least I felt better on the walk, so that was a breather.

1. Find your breathers and take as many as you can: a walk, meditation, binge-watching a comic series, playing upbeat music full blast, cuddling the cat etc. They may only press pause for a few minutes but don't undervalue that pause button.

1. Establish some self care routines that you do no matter what. Doesn't matter if you want to clean your teeth or take a shower or get dressed, you can have zero motivation but just act like a machine and get it done. Baseline self care: teeth twice a day, shower every other day, fresh underclothes every day, clean clothes, 30 minutes fresh air and sunlight daily, 5 a day veg & fruit, 1 litre of water (2 is ideal)

1. Try to look normal. You say you are the neighbourhood crazy woman. Tone that down for your own sake. Look like you belong somewhere, whether it's M&S cardies or Goth gear just give a quick-glance impression of fitting in as a type. Because people treat you better if you are easily slotted in to a kind of normal. And you have enough on your plate without being treated as the local crazy.

1. Do new things. Honestly this helped me above all else. Just do something you've not done before every day. Tiny or big. Always something beneficial, obviously. I was surprised how much this helped. Maybe it's because depression loops back on the past and new things don't, so they activate parts of our brain that look to and plan for the future. Listen to new music, try new foods, drinks, scents of soap and cleaning products, new colours in clothes, walk down new streets, read new books, talk to new people, join a new class, read a new magazine about a subject you know nothing about. Keep at it and it could be the best break from severe depression you'll ever find.

My SIL swears by open water swimming.

My experiences weren’t as bad as your’s but I have severe recurrent depression and manage it pretty well. No medication or therapy right now, I also found medication made it worse.

The main thing is to do more. Get out and away from technology. Build a sense of identity, if not work then hobbies or learn new skills. I find mindfulness helps even if I don’t practice it, more the idea - your thoughts aren’t you they are fleeting and will change, be in the present moment etc. But also don’t put pressure on yourself to change quickly, baby steps! After lots of small changes you won’t realise how much you’ve changed until you look back in a year or so.

I remember quitting therapy as I felt it was stopping me moving on. I started volunteering and found it hugely more beneficial. I still have my demons and have to be careful to manage my moods, but my life is very different and is about to change again. I’d never have imagined this happening five years ago.

A combination of citalopram, exercise, counselling and time. My closest friends knew I was struggling, and they effectively babysat me when I was at my worst. If anyone invited me out, I bit off their hand because I knew I had to get out and stay busy rather than sit at home being sad.

In more recent years, something that has helped me not fall down that hole again is knitting - it's been proven to be very good for mental health. It was nice to learn something new, and now I enjoy doing it most evenings in front of the TV, it keeps my hands busy and stops me endlessly scrolling through FB etc.

Get your foundations sorted: eating, sleeping, showering, exercise. Every time you start to spiral down, check each of the above has happened and if you still feel shite call someome - samaritans, crisis team, someone in your support network depending on severity.

Get a psychiatric referral for assessment and stick with it til you get the right meds.

Remember that therapy gets worse before it gets better and allow youself a duvet day after a session if needed.

This too shall pass. I promise.

Oh gosh, you are really in the thick of it aren't you, I'm so sorry.

I've got Bipolar 2 and so whilst I know I'll never really get better I have a few things that keep me stable-ish.

Swimming is good - especially in cold water. Weightlifting and yoga. Owning a very loving dog. Plants and gardening. Cleaning - but not laundry lol I hate that with a passion!

I'm using velafaxine, pregablin and lorazepam as a back up. I don't particularly recommend them but they work for me. Pregablin has increased my weight which sucks but it's better than losing the plot with anxiety and dissociation.

You are doing great - you are still alive and still working on doing better. You have therapists, mine is amazing - she is a real role model as well as a great practitioner.

There's a really good book called Overcoming Low Self Esteem, I forgot the author, I've misplaced it temporarily. It's really helpful with the negative self talk and spirals of doom and catastrophe that the depressed brain loves to tell you. It's on Amazon, has a blue and white cover.

You might also look at The Body Keeps Score - personally that's too long for me to concentrate and read.

Good luck - you'll come out of it. It just might take a while xxx

@AngryFeminist

Yes! Sleeping, hydration and eating - so important.

I have this idea that salad cheers me up - no real basis but if I believe it then it probably works IYNWIM 😊

I'm sorry your medication made you feel worse, but sometimes changing to a different kind can help. Fluoxetine did nothing for me. Citalopram gave me back my life.
Walking whilst listening to music, driving etc helps. Don't laugh - jigsaws. Making my brain concentrate for that space of time helps. Get one of the impossible ones off Amazon and distract your brain