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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd away for hours at night

58 replies

bellalou1234 · 06/08/2019 22:17

Help, aibu, my dd 19 almost 20 is home from uni for summer keeps going out until early hours of morning, the other night it was 03.30. She says shes at her friend from uni who lives close by. Its out of character, and surely shed stay over.This is new only happend in last week, but this is fifth time. I just feel there's more to it. Also she has a uni resit next week, she needs to revise. She drives, hate her on the roads at that time. I know shes an adult, but feel when shes here i should have an idea where she is.

OP posts:
shinynewapple · 06/08/2019 22:44

I think when DC are away at uni we save ourselves a load of worry as we can tell ourselves our precious DC are tucked up with a good book by 10.30! My DS is a year younger, and since turning 18 he's come back all hours of the night. But, he gets up for work in the morning, and 6 months in, I go up to bed instead of waiting up for him. I feel relieved to hear his key in the lock though. And I'm sorry but your DD really doesn't have to tell you where she's been.

Original poster
bellalou1234 · 06/08/2019 22:46

Thanks everyone, i know im being abit irrational, i want her to have fun, live life to full. But i cant help feeling the early hours is a bit much. I work shifts and get up 05.30, im restless till shes home safe, which she knows.

OP posts:
Original poster
bellalou1234 · 06/08/2019 22:49

I worry when shes at uni too, but like prevoius poster i feel shes in bed with a book. Shes also studying nursing, which going out until the early hours isnt possible. Maybe shes letting her hair down.

OP posts:
bouncingraindrops · 06/08/2019 23:02

Why do you think it’s odd that she is driving home rather than staying over?

SomeAfternoonDelight · 06/08/2019 23:03

Na, I think as she is in the OPs house OP has a right to know. I would tell my mums where I was and if I was to be late etc I would let her know. I sometimes might stay at my mums after a night out and will let her know an approx time. I think it’s common fucking courtesy. She’s an adult after all.......

AquaPris · 06/08/2019 23:10

She's 19. Maybe she's fucking someone. Maybe she's in a bar. Maybe she's at her friends. Either way it's not your business.

Maybe her partner isn't allowed overnight guests. Unclench.

I remember my mum waiting up and then having a go at me getting in at 2.30. No wonder people complain about our generation being children... you treat us like them!

Original poster
bellalou1234 · 06/08/2019 23:16

Yes but surely stay out, book a hotel whatever, waking a house at 3.30 on a weekday, including a dog going mental, isnt on. I totally get shes an adult, but as an adult staying at my mams which ive done over the years, id come home reasonable time or let her know id not be in. Simple.

OP posts:
Original poster
bellalou1234 · 06/08/2019 23:17

And respectful

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 06/08/2019 23:18

Maybe she's fucking someone

This is the OP's daughter - not a nice way to talk about her with a boyfriend.

BogglesGoggles · 06/08/2019 23:19

I would assume she’s having casual sex - surely a lot of people don’t stay over in those circumstances. It’s a weird time to do it but maybe the person/people she’s seeing work shifts or something.

Original poster
bellalou1234 · 06/08/2019 23:19

Its a awful description

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 06/08/2019 23:24

Maybe she is the local burglar??

But seriously, I was brought up "my house , my rules, if you want to do that move out" worked for me and I will do the same. My mum would dead bolt the door.

bouncingraindrops · 06/08/2019 23:26

My DD comes home in the early hours from her Boyfriend house. I have never expected her to stay over or book a hotel. This is her home Hmm

Seren85 · 06/08/2019 23:46

I lived at home all through University and didn't tell my parents where I was going but did say if I would be late or early hours. They understood that if I lived out they'd have no idea what time I came home or if I missed lectures or did any studying and left that up to me provided I didn't wake anyone and texted if I wasn't actually coming back at all.

twattymctwatterson · 07/08/2019 06:52

It's totally normal for 20 year olds to stay out until 3am. She's an adult and I think trying to enforce any "my house my rules" rubbish will just push her to leave.

I also wouldn't expect an adult to pander to my anxiety re the not being able to settle till she gets home thing. That's your issue

Lazypuppy · 07/08/2019 06:57

This is why i lived at uni full time and didn't come home during holidays.

You get used to living without your parents and being able to do what you want.

Vivavivienne · 07/08/2019 07:04

@twattymctwatterson

I also wouldn't expect an adult to pander to my anxiety re the not being able to settle till she gets home thing. That's your issue

Completely agree with this.

She’s an adult, waking you up is inconsiderate, and you can talk about that. But if you aren’t settling until she’s home anyway, I can’t see how she’s disturbing you when she gets in- surely that’s the point you relax?

Anyway it’s daft: she’s an adult. She has a driving license- the roads are quieter then, less likely to crash. She’s living her own life.... unclench. Go to bed and go to sleep. What are you worrying will happen- and how likely is that?!

I don’t think she’s in bed with a book every night at uni Wink

Coop14 · 07/08/2019 07:27

Quite normal for a uni student to stay out late. Let it go shes an adult

AgentJohnson · 07/08/2019 07:39

That’s quite the drip feed about a dog going mental Hmm. It appears you don’t like her staying out at night and your arguments thus far are an attempt to justify that preference.

Impose a curfew (see where that gets you) and be done with it woman.

CremeEggThief · 07/08/2019 07:45

YABU. Most of my friends were always up until the early hours during school holidays and weekends, and would often call to visit each other at home, if we weren't going out, between 15-18/19. At least your DD is old enough to drive; I often walked 2 or 3 miles home alone at 3 or 4 a.m.!

MirrorHope · 07/08/2019 08:18

When I did that (when I was back from uni and also needed to revise) I was up to no good with a FWB - he was a total idiot but a great in other ways IYKWIM - I just didn't want to stay over and used to come home.

Thinking back on it - bet it was a bit stressful for my parents but they never said.

Gigiandme · 07/08/2019 08:40

YABU. She's an adult. This is totally normal behaviour for a uni student! She's probably seeing someone but casually and not wanting to stay over. Or maybe she's out partying! Or maybe her sleeping pattern is all messed up from bring at uni and she's genuinely just hanging out with her friend watching movies but doesn't want to sleep over because she likes being back in her own home! I wouldn't be at all concerned.

newmomof1 · 07/08/2019 09:31

There's no reason she shouldn't be out until that time. She could be doing absolutely anything and that's her choice.

But I do think she should be respectful and at least let you know what time she'll be back if it's later than, say, 11.
She also needs to be quiet when she's coming home and sort the dog etc so she doesn't wake the whole house up.

choli · 07/08/2019 09:44

Shes also studying nursing, which going out until the early hours isnt possible.
Snort. Nursing students must have changed a lot since my days.

cocodash · 07/08/2019 09:51

@thechain LOL I stopped reading after your comment hahahaha thread won. Haha