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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not attend sisters baby shower

48 replies

judithandholofernes · 06/08/2019 21:42

My DSis is having a baby shower this weekend. It is not a surprise and organized by my other DSis.

I don’t want to go.

When I was pregnant with my DS my DSis went NC with me as my DS was given a life limiting prognosis and she could not deal with it (apparently, I heard this from DSis & DM as other DSis just ignored me for the whole pregnancy) she didn’t turn up to my baby shower. when DS was born our relationship stayed strained. She hasn’t apologized for how she treated me and I therefore can’t forgive her. It has been 4 years now of only very limited contact.

Now DSis is pregnant and I don’t really care. I’ve hardened towards her and I feel it would be fake of me to attend the party.
I also feel like she should feel some of the embarrassment/hurt that I felt to not have her DSis at the shower.

I didn’t think I was BU but having second thoughts now as other DSis is disappointed that I’m not attending.

OP posts:
juls1888 · 06/08/2019 21:48

You are 100% correct not to go. I absolutely wouldn't. Why should you? She absolutely let you down when you needed her support and behaved appallingly, so a little taste of it in return is exactly what required. If she had addressed what happened or apologised since then I'd consider going, but as it stands, absolutely no way.

Darkstar4855 · 06/08/2019 21:48

Have you ever talked to her about what happened?

Seems a bit petty to not go because you want her to feel embarrassed and hurt. I think if you feel like that you are better just not having a relationship with her at all.

boredboredboredboredbored · 06/08/2019 21:49

Yanbu at all.

Pretendapony · 06/08/2019 21:51

YANBU! How awful when you needed her the most!

ScaryBunnyPainting · 06/08/2019 21:52

YANBU in any way, shape or form.

Applejack5 · 06/08/2019 21:54

YANBU

She owes you a massive apology at the very least. I wouldn't want to start associating with her again just because she's pregnant now. She let you down massively. Your other sister should understand that.

HypatiaCade · 06/08/2019 21:54

YANBU - I wouldn't go.

Teddybear45 · 06/08/2019 21:55

She won’t feel embarrassed or hurt though, because she likely cares about you as little as you do her. Don’t refuse to go in the mistaken belief that your absence will hurt her - it probably won’t. Also when she does have her child it will likely bring your mum and other sister even closer to her, and that in itself may impact your relationship with them if you’re openly hostile. If you do refuse just be diplomatic about it.

cheeseandcracker · 06/08/2019 21:58

Can you not be the bigger person? Life's too short.

Whoops75 · 06/08/2019 22:07

Imo you shouldn’t engage unless it’s in a positive way. Your sister didn’t know how to be around you and now you’re feeling the same.

Don’t go OP
It’s hard to find people who stick when the going gets tough. It doesn’t always happen because ye are related.

LorelaiRoryEmily · 06/08/2019 22:10

Don’t go OP. Let her off to fuck

dinosareforever · 06/08/2019 22:14

Can you not be the bigger person? Life's too short.

Bollocks to being the "bigger person". Life is indeed too short.....to spend your time with selfish dickheads.

YANBU at all op.

MaintainTheMolehill · 06/08/2019 22:17

You would be perfectly justified not to go.
However I'm a firm believer in not allowing people to change who you fundamentally are. If you would never have considered not going before she was such a heartless bitch to you then I would go.

I may not be the best person to give advice given that I am still around my dsis boyfriend who put my husband in hospital and my dsis who never paid back a loan of inheritance I gave her but I refuse to be hardened by others behaviour.

saraclara · 06/08/2019 22:18

If you're doing this to punish her in some way, then maybe you should think about whether that's really the sort of person you want to be.

Honestly, I think this is a situation that's crying out for communication. I can't believe you've gone four years without having a sensible conversation about what happened. Forget about the apology for now, just calmly try to find out why she behaved as she did.

cheeseandcracker · 06/08/2019 22:20

Out of interest- hols old was she when you went through your pregnancy etc?
I am trying to understand somehow how someone could be so cold, but age could play a huge factor.
What I mean by be the bigger person is, she may feel embarrassed and only becoming a parent now she may see how awful she was to you. If you really didn't care at all you wouldn't be on here asking.

Chloemol · 06/08/2019 22:25

I think you should do whatever you think is best for you

Sceptre86 · 06/08/2019 22:42

I wouldn't go but then I am the type that would hold a grudge. You are sisters and if you can be the better person why not go? Holding a grudge will do you no favours in the long term. I would talk to her, does she know how upset you were at her behaviour? Life is short and you should surround yourself with people who make you happy and choose to put yourself in positive situations. If you can smile and be happy whilst there then go, if you will be sat there resenting her for not coming to your baby shower and being there for you I wouldn't bother. You shouldn't go if you are going to have a face on as it will turn around on you and you will then be the unsupportive sister in her eyes. Not an easy situations to be in x

ReadyForActionRyderSir · 06/08/2019 22:43

I wouldn't go OP. When you needed her support she wasn't there for you. And if you've not had much contact over last four years and aren't that close, for you to consider not going, then don't. Other family members should see your side of things.

Also now she is pregnant maybe she'll realise how awful she was to you when you were pregnant?

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 06/08/2019 22:54

You aren't close and you don't normally see her, so not going is fine. In fact, in the circumstances, going might be odd.

It's harder to forgive someone who is hurtful towards our children though , isn't it? I have a slightly similar situation re my sister gloating over my daughter's death (in her typed and not even signed sympathy note) and my inability to attend her childs funeral when he died a couple of years later because I couldn't stop seeing that bloody note and remembering how generally cruel she was to me.

I think a polite refusal and then never mentioning it again is fine, there doesn't need to be a huge drama. You sound like you have more than enough on your plate as it is, don't give this headspace.

You might find that your family take massive offence though. Mine did, but we weren't close to begin with.

Maemar · 06/08/2019 22:57

YANBU. Either way do what's right for you. It's up to her to make the effort and make ammends if there is going to be any change in the situation.

Lofari · 06/08/2019 22:57

As someone who lost a lot of people when my son was given a life limiting diagnosis because they couldn't handle it......fuck that. You owe her nothing.

Schuyler · 06/08/2019 23:18

YA totally NBU. She treated you in a disgraceful way. That’s unforgivable. I’m so sorry. Flowers

EKGEMS · 06/08/2019 23:32

"Life's too short go to the shower" Do you realize how inconsiderate and callous your post is when the OP states her child was diagnosed with a life limiting condition-she damn well knows how short life is-painfully so!

MyElbowIsItchy · 06/08/2019 23:33

Has she had any dealings with your dc since he was born? Or has there been little contact since you were pregnant?

I don’t see the point in going if you both haven’t been bothered about each other. Don’t be made to feel guilty by others. Listen to your own conscience.

thejudgesaidhewasatitandIagree · 07/08/2019 01:22

Fuck that. I wouldn't go