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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not attend sisters baby shower

48 replies

judithandholofernes · 06/08/2019 21:42

My DSis is having a baby shower this weekend. It is not a surprise and organized by my other DSis.

I don’t want to go.

When I was pregnant with my DS my DSis went NC with me as my DS was given a life limiting prognosis and she could not deal with it (apparently, I heard this from DSis & DM as other DSis just ignored me for the whole pregnancy) she didn’t turn up to my baby shower. when DS was born our relationship stayed strained. She hasn’t apologized for how she treated me and I therefore can’t forgive her. It has been 4 years now of only very limited contact.

Now DSis is pregnant and I don’t really care. I’ve hardened towards her and I feel it would be fake of me to attend the party.
I also feel like she should feel some of the embarrassment/hurt that I felt to not have her DSis at the shower.

I didn’t think I was BU but having second thoughts now as other DSis is disappointed that I’m not attending.

OP posts:

SemperIdem · 07/08/2019 01:26

I wouldn’t go. She can go fuck herself.

I hope your lovely boy is doing well

Fatted · 07/08/2019 01:35

You can see this as one of two things, the potential to try and move forward with and build bridges in your relationship with your sister or well and truly ending the relationship. I don't think there would be any coming back from it if you didn't go. Which could then potentially cause fall out with other family members.

If it was simply for the sake of keeping the peace with other family members, I would go for their sake.

CharityConundrum · 07/08/2019 02:25

I don't think there would be any coming back from it if you didn't go. Which could then potentially cause fall out with other family members.

But surely that applies to the OP's sister who didn't attend get baby shower or acknowledge her difficult pregnancy at all. Why should the OP be concerned about maintaining a relationship with someone who was prepared to throw it away so callously herself?

Durgasarrow · 07/08/2019 02:41

If you and your sister want to reconcile, this occasion may be too fraught. It's going to be all about your sister and all about babies. The power balance is all about placating your sister. There are many reasons why you might or might not go. You might have a cold or have a conflicting appointment. It's not necessary to say that going to this shower would make or break the relationship. You could meet at another time and have an honest discussion.

Gigiandme · 07/08/2019 06:01

I wouldn't go and I'd never talk to her again!

Original poster

judithandholofernes · 07/08/2019 07:46

@cheeseandcracker she was in her late 20s when I was pregnant on DC. She is also a mother herself before I was this is her second DC. On her first pregnancy I was there for her as she was single, I even attended the birth of DN as she had no one else.
DSis has suffered with MH in the past and is therefore treated gently by everyone in the family. They never confronted her for how she treated me or DS but I was constantly asked to forgive her - without an apology I refused.
She has behaved badly since his birth; he spent the first year in ICU with only parents & grandparents allowed to visit & she turned it into a slight against her almost daily I received messages from DM asking could DSis come into hospital - it caused me so much stress. Then once he was home she has visited him maybe 5 times in 4 years, including birthdays & Christmas!!!!

I honestly think she was jealous of the attention DM & other DSis paid towards DN during my pregnancy & now.

I do have other plans for Saturday- it is DSS birthday outing.

OP posts:

Original poster

judithandholofernes · 07/08/2019 07:49

@Durgasarrow I have no interest in reconciling with DSis now. She has had 4 years to bring up why she ignored me during the toughest time of my life. She also didn’t turn up to my hen party since so she’s not a very supportive sister.

OP posts:

Longtalljosie · 07/08/2019 07:51

Well then that’s that then - you can’t let DSS down. I would suggest sending a gift though - not because she deserves it, but just to stymie any attempt she makes to dramatise and put a wedge between you and your Mum and other sister.

MoccaIceCream · 07/08/2019 08:19

I really think you are overthinking it. I could not think of any reason to go. There is no decision to be made.

omione · 07/08/2019 08:35

I would not go, but i would send the new baby a gift when he/she arrives, another for his /hers first Christmas and birthday then nothing.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 07/08/2019 08:43

I also feel like she should feel some of the embarrassment/hurt that I felt to not have her DSis at the shower.

^^ this just makes you sound, bitter, twisted, and forever holding a grudge.

Either have some therapy or just get on and live life without festering in the past. TBH I doubt your sister misses you, nor you her.

PeggySuehadababy · 07/08/2019 08:52

@IAskTooManyQuestions have you bothered reading the thread?

The Op has a child with a life limiting illness who spent the first year of his life in hospital. Her 'D'Sis decided not to have any involvement in his life due to said illness.

OP life is too short to have people like her around, they will not be better or mature or grow up, they can only get worste. Carry on as you have done until now.

HypatiaCade · 07/08/2019 09:03

"I'm sorry other DSis, but when I needed my family and loved ones THE MOST, DSis DELIBERATELY walked away from me and ignored me. That isn't something I can just 'get over'. That will be with me for the rest of my life, and I am not willing to go and play happy families because it will make everyone else feel better, and pretend that it never happened."

IAskTooManyQuestions · 07/08/2019 09:05

@PeggySuehadababy - yes I did - thank you for enquiring.

MarthasGinYard · 07/08/2019 09:09

'She is also a mother herself before I was this is her second DC.'

That in itself would stop me going

Baby showers are to be avoided particularly if it's not a first dc.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 07/08/2019 09:15

Hi OP

It's a tricky one, one thought that I had was do you think you may want a relationship with your niece or nephew in the future? If so it may be worth trying to keep things civil with your sister. If you cant face it maybe send a card and gift so bridges arent completely burnt

Have you ever sat down and spoken to her about what happened between you?

CalmdownJanet · 07/08/2019 09:18

"can't you be the bigger person and forgive and forget" ~ the international mantra of doormats!

Yanbu, I wouldn't go, absolutely not. Not going and not "rising above it" doesn't make you bitter and twisted, you can refuse to not tolerate peoples shitty of treatment of you without being bitter, in fact you are far less likely to become bitter by just stepping away and leaving them too it

altiara · 07/08/2019 09:18

I wouldn’t go. She’s done nothing to keep never mind build a relationship back with you. I honestly don’t think she’s expecting you to go.

Wingingthiswholething · 07/08/2019 09:26

I've spent 10 minutes trying to work out what DSis means before realising the Sis just means sister.

I wouldn't go OP. What's done is done, and your relationship is done. I have been NC with a relative for nearly 4 years. IMO that is never going to change. When my DD was born they sort of tried to get in touch but I am completely uninterested. It sounds like you guys are in the same place.

Wingingthiswholething · 07/08/2019 09:28

Fwiw, I always used to be the 'bigger person' and forgive people. Then I realised I was a fucking mug.

About 6 years ago I stopped doing this. Everyone thinks I've turned in to a hardened cow. Maybe I have, but I'm a happy one, only surrounded by people I actually like.

My point being, don't worry about what others think. You should only maintain relationships if they make you happy. If they fill you with misery, don't bother.

Durgasarrow · 07/08/2019 12:45

Judith--Wow, you do not need that shit in your life. Not because you are malevolent. Just because you don't need that noise. It's a second baby shower. You don't need to be there. Do something nice with your OTHER sister who sounds like a sweetheart. And gray rock the bitch sister.

Confrontayshunme · 07/08/2019 13:26

Just to play devil's advocate, I had a friend who was having a baby with a terminal illness. She was really hurt that a few people opted not to go to her baby shower. She didn't know that one of them had just had a miscarriage, two could not emotionally keep it together so stayed away so as not to ruin the "normal" baby shower atmosphere and the third was a total c-word who said she wasn't going to buy presents for a baby who wouldn't get to use them.

If your sister was possibly one of the first few, I actually think you should go to hers, buy a £10 Sophie the Giraffe and play nice and be excited for the baby. If she was the 3rd, stay well away and don't feel bad about it for a moment.

Icecreamsoda99 · 07/08/2019 14:12

As someone said send a gift but don't go, you have a legitimate excuse not to be there - DSS birthday. In your shoes it would stir up too many memories and hurt for me and I wouldn't be able to help letting that show in some way, not fair on you or her to potentially ruin the event.

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