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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to turn down birthday party?

32 replies

Russell19 · 06/08/2019 18:10

My friend is 30 in a few months and a few weeks ago another friend started to arrange a weekend away on her behalf (she knows). It is 2 nights in a big city, £300 just for accommodation.

I have just had a baby so a weekend away is far from my mind and replied on a group chat straight away saying I cannot commit to 2 nights away as I'm breastfeeding and have no idea what my baby will be like in a few months in terms of feeding and hasn't been left with anyone yet. I said I could visit for the whole of one day and have an evening meal with them that other friend has planned.

Other people invited have said similar or some have said they can stay 1 night but not 2 which surely reflects these plans do not suit the majority.

My friend is not happy with me and I have recieved an angry phone call asking why I'm not going.

AIBU? Starting to think this makes me a bad friend.

OP posts:
ItsABubbleParty · 06/08/2019 18:11

She's a bad friend. You are OK not to go, life changes.

brookelopez · 06/08/2019 18:12

yanbu

you explained why you can't do the two full nights. not only that, it's quite expensive just for accommodation.

Sunandrainallconfusedhere · 06/08/2019 18:14

Send her a pic of your gorgeous squishy baby.
She is a brat!
*the friend not your baby,!!

froggybiby · 06/08/2019 18:19

£300 just for accommodation...😂 they are having a laugh....They aren't good friends. If I am honest priorities do change once we have children. If they can't understand. YANBU, it goes without saying.

Atlasta · 06/08/2019 18:23

Doesn't sound like something a good friend would do. No thought at all for your situation and your responsibilities.
Very selfish.

Original poster
Russell19 · 06/08/2019 18:29

You lot have just made me feel 100 times better after an awful day!!! Thanks! Flowers

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 06/08/2019 18:31

£300? Is that each? Have they not heard of Travelodge?

Fromage · 06/08/2019 18:33

She doesn't have a baby (presumably) so she just doesn't get it.

One day, if she has one, she might remember the angry phone call and go red from her head to her toes.

Forgive her the ignorance, send a card, but don't bother going to that much trouble for someone so entitled.

FelixFelicis6 · 06/08/2019 18:33

£300 each?! That is insane, just aside from the other issues.

Totally not being unreasonable, friend can’t just demand everyone goes away for two nights.

How old is your baby now?

Mammajay · 06/08/2019 18:35

Your friend is self centred and selfish imo

cheeseislife8 · 06/08/2019 18:36

YADNBU. That's ridiculous of your friend to get angry over that!

Elliebellbell · 06/08/2019 18:39

Where the he'll are they staying at that price? I've just come back from city centre apartment in Lisbon, four people, three nights for £260.

Your friend is an eejit.

ddl1 · 06/08/2019 18:39

No, YANBU. I hate the idea that going to a party is a DUTY, whatever the circumstances. Attendance at a party should be for enjoyment, not required, or seen as a test of friendship. (I can understand being annoyed at someone who accepts an invitation and cancels at the last minute without a clear reason, but this is hardly the case here). She is being a bad friend if she cannot accept that a new mother can't just drop everything to attend a party. And expecting people to pay £600 to stay for two nights, in addition to travel costs, seems very unreasonable: some people can afford it, but the majority couldn't. The only possible excuse for her is that perhaps the 'angry' call was not really angry, but part of an assumption that people who say no to an invitation are just being coy or shy and are expecting that a hospitable person will push them before they agree (as in 'but you MUST have another slice of cake; I'll be really hurt if you don't'; etc). I strongly dislike this attitude but it's not quite as bad as pure entitlement and harshness.

AlwaysCheddar · 06/08/2019 18:43

What a cow she is!!

IfThisWasOurHouse · 06/08/2019 18:45

Shes very self centred if she expects her 30th to be as important to everyone else as it is to her! £300?!!! You're having a laugh! It's not even like it's a wedding or something. Clearly other friends also this shes being unreasonable by saying they only want to stay one night (£300?!!! For someone's BIRTHDAY?!) I suspect you may be the easy target for her anger that is towards the whole group but shes taking it out on your solely

HeadintheiClouds · 06/08/2019 18:49

She rang to ask you why you weren’t going? What on earth didn’t she understand about your baby coming before her shindig, the silly mare?
I wonder what gets into people when they act like this, it’s a complete mystery to me. Is she just very spoiled, maybe? Or just dim? Confused
It sounds like nobody wants to spend two days on her kneesup anyway, and why should they?

JimHalpert · 06/08/2019 18:52

I can see why your friend is disappointed, she clearly values you as a friend and wants you there. The world doesn’t revolve around your child, I’d have a think and see if baby can stay with dad so you can support your friend and show you care about her

ConfCall · 06/08/2019 18:54

Blimey, that’s full on for a birthday. Whatever happened to going out locally for a pizza and a few cocktails!?

Of course yanbu.

Leeds2 · 06/08/2019 18:54

Who actually rang you - the friend who will be 30, or the friend who is arranging the weekend?
Either way, YANBU and I think you have done your best to say that you will try and attend as much of the event as you can. I suspect that they are just annoyed that so many are not committing to the whole thing but, given the cost, it is hardly surprising.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 06/08/2019 18:55

I guess it depends whether she did it for you on your birthday. If you don't have extravagant parties then YANBU but if you DO, and you expect your friends to fork out £300 for you but aren't willing to do it for them then YABU.

ThomasRichard · 06/08/2019 18:56

£300 on accommodation?! I just did a 2-day activity-packed hen do that was £150 a head all-in.

Sunandrainallconfusedhere · 06/08/2019 18:57

Actually I would text her and say yes you are going but will have to bring the baby.
Have her squirm...

Original poster
Russell19 · 06/08/2019 19:23

Thanks everyone. It's in some swanky private apartments chosen by the birthday girl, she is not factored into the costs.

It was the birthday girl who called me to clarify and the thing is, she does have 2 children of her own. She has an au pair. (Nothing against this, just adds to context)

OP posts:
Whatisinaname1 · 06/08/2019 20:03

She is being unreasonable. She would be disapointed but she has no right to ring you and have a go. I'd be more inclined to say no now on the basis that she's a brat and not that good of a friend if she behaves that way.

MyHeartIsInCornwall · 06/08/2019 20:05

It always amazes me how self-entitled, some people are! Of course you don’t have to go and why would you want to now, with a ‘friend’ like that?! You gave an alternative, to include yourself so it’s her loss. Your baby and you own feelings come first, in this scenario.

I would cut ties with a friend if they had the balls (or stupidity), to do this to me. As my nearest and dearest friend says to me, ‘she’s shown her arse!’ Wink