Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Saving money for a Niece I have only met once

58 replies

mexicangarden · 06/08/2019 14:59

I have name changed for this because it is outing and also because I am sure I will be slaughtered. My brother died without really having contacted with his daughter. I got his computer and tracked her mother down through Facebook (had looked many times without success). I have messaged a few times to say I am happy to be in my Niece's life if she ever wants to get in contact but have been told she knows nothing about me. Any mention of
presents for Christmas or Birthday have been rejected. I have started a savings account for my Niece but am I being foolish when my own children could benefit from the money. There is only a couple of hundred in the account so far. Thoughts please.

OP posts:

Original poster

mexicangarden · 06/08/2019 15:40

S1naidSucks sorry should have said - my kids are older and although all living at home are earning their own money. I used to save for them but stopped when they were working.

OP posts:

Original poster

mexicangarden · 06/08/2019 15:43

Bookworm4 I met her once as a baby. As I said she is a teenage, not 18 for a couple of years. I don't think it is my place to contact her without her mum's consent. When she is 18 it might be different. I am saving because I used to always give my brother gifts for Christmas and Birthday to send to her but I don't know if she got them.

OP posts:

Original poster

mexicangarden · 06/08/2019 15:45

Another thing that bothers me is that I post about my brother on Facebook and she will know who her dad is because he is on the birth certificate - what if she doesn't know about the money her mum received following my brother's death. I really feel she must have an inkling who I am.

OP posts:

ZazieTheCat · 06/08/2019 15:48

Hmm, now it sounds a bit more complicated, given the wider familial/financial circumstances. She is older than I realised, and it is clear she will have a very different status than others of her generation in the family.

So perhaps you would be better to bow out gracefully. Trying to get a child to connect with a family which has no real place for her, and which has never really shown her much care or thought ( by this I mean your brother and your mother- parents and grandparents have a much bigger responsibility than an aunt).

Making this connection could be distressing for your niece, it might just show her the extent to which she hasn’t been included as family, without there really being enough substance in the connection to offset that.

AllFourOfThem · 06/08/2019 15:49

Another thing that bothers me is that I post about my brother on Facebook and she will know who her dad is because he is on the birth certificate

I expect she know exactly who you are.

Original poster

mexicangarden · 06/08/2019 15:54

For what it's worth I have been trying to find my Niece's mother on Facebook for years but I just didn't know her married name. I only found out after my brother died from his laptop. I won't push myself on anyone and I will always be here but I suppose you don't know what kind of a spin has been put on things. I tried for years to get my brother to find her - he was in her life for the first year or so but he had depression and I hate to say it was really difficult to talk to about it.

OP posts:

ohcanada · 06/08/2019 15:57

Maybe she does know who you are (pretty sure she will if you are connected on Facebook) but she herself has decided she wants no contact? Her mum might just be covering for her to protect her. You need to step back and assume she wants no contact until she reaches out.

ShrodingersRat · 06/08/2019 15:59

I would save a modest amount and say it is the amount you would have given for birthdays and Christmases.

Then it isn't 'replacing' anything, or pretending to be a surrogate parent in place of your brother, it is just the normal gifts you would give a niece.

Make contact after her 18th an say it is topped up with an 18th [resent.

But you must manage this without it seeming like it is money for contact. You have to give it unconditionally.

Purpleartichoke · 06/08/2019 15:59

Worst case scenario, you use the money for something else someday. I think it’s a great destination of whatever funds you would have normally spent on gifts over the years. You aren’t really taking money from your own kids since you would have been buying Christmas gifts and such for niece if you got to be a part of her life.

ZazieTheCat · 06/08/2019 16:01

I’d tread very lightly in those circumstances then. As you say, you don’t know what spin has been put on things to your niece. Or to you.

You maybe don’t know the full story from your brother about the circumstances in which he and the mum split/how he came not to have much contact with the daughter. Maybe there are, um, harshly differing viewpoints there, or secrets that could be highly upsetting.

In any case, the child in this situation shouldn’t be expected to deal with a lot of conflicting emotions/viewpoints that the adults in her life have historically failed to make into something that keeps everyone involved happy.

HaileySherman · 06/08/2019 16:04

It's your money to do with it what you want. I think it's a very kind gesture. I've never met anyone who was unhappy to come into a sum of money. You need to decide if your children should be the ones getting the money. Will they suffer without it? I'm sure you've thought these things through. It's truly your decision.

Original poster

mexicangarden · 06/08/2019 16:11

I'm pretty sure I know the back history of what happened between my brother and my Niece's mum - I don't think either party was blameless but regardless I would walk over hot coals to get to my children. As people have said she probably does know who I am and for what it's worth I don't think her mum is type to sugarcoat much - I was criticised for buying the gift I bought when my Niece was born, which I thought was thoughtful and it was definitely something she didn't already have.

OP posts:

TimeForNewStart · 06/08/2019 16:12

A couple of hundred quid isn’t going to make no difference to no one, so the savings account is more about you than her.

Original poster

mexicangarden · 06/08/2019 16:15

TimeForNewStart there should be £1,000 in it by the time she is 18 - are you saying I shouldn't give her the money then?

OP posts:

Passthecherrycoke · 06/08/2019 16:18

I was going to ask how old she was but I see you’re expecting £1k by the time she’s 18. I’m afraid I agree this is something and nothing- the money isn’t going to make a difference to her life (I suspect it wouldn’t to your children either) I think it’s more
About you and your need to do “something”. But she’s a total stranger.

Original poster

mexicangarden · 06/08/2019 16:26

TimeForNewStart ok so this is why I asked - should I offer the money to her at 18 ? To me this is a lot of money and if someone had offered this to me at that age I would be over the moon.

OP posts:

Nofunkingworriesmate · 06/08/2019 16:34

Money can muddy waters and cause unpleasantness, better to come from a relationship angle, personally I’d save the money but always stay open minded how you might eventually use it, you, or your kids may need / want it . Keep positive communication channels open and stay respectful of her mum and you may be able to get some contact going. Be wary of causing conflict I.e I assume her mum pocketed inheritance and said nothing to further make your family look bad, it’s v v sad she doesn’t want her daughter in contact with someone who clearly cares but there’s nowt so queer as folk

Original poster

mexicangarden · 06/08/2019 16:37

Thanks for your comments everyone - I will hold back, keep saving the money and see if she ever gets in touch. I won't contact her mum again though.

OP posts:

SunshineCake · 06/08/2019 16:50

"OP, you need to bear in mind that if she reaches 18 and comes fully into your life, then your mum might decide to split the grandchildren's inheritance with her."

And? .

Carthage · 06/08/2019 16:53

OP she might well get in touch once she becomes an adult. Her mother may have discouraged contact with your brother's family. And she may toe the party line until she becomes an adult when extended family may become more important and she may wish to know more about her father.

People on here are always funny about money. Money isn't always just about what it can buy; sometimes it's what it represents. It shows that you've borne your niece in mind all these years with the regular deposits.

You sound lovely OP.

TimeForNewStart · 06/08/2019 17:23

What strings are attached? I think you are hoping it will be a shortcut to building a relationship with her as she may feel obliged to keep in touch once you have given the money.

Original poster

mexicangarden · 06/08/2019 19:19

TimeForNewStart you're absolutely right - I will only tell her about the money if she gets in touch and we have some sort of relationship - I'm not just going to send the money out of the blue. I did mention to her mum that I would put money away for Christmas and Birthday but didn't mention saving on a regular basis.

OP posts:

StripeySocks29 · 06/08/2019 19:45

I think it’s a bit weird to be honest, if you don’t have a relationship with her, if you were very well off and the money wouldn’t be missed then it might be less weird but as and it sounds like this relatively small amount of money will be quite a lot of money for you she could feel like she owes you something iyswim.

NoFucksImAQueen · 06/08/2019 21:35

fucking hell at the people saying a grand is nothing. no it's not life changing money but its definitely not nothing

Original poster

mexicangarden · 06/08/2019 22:30

StripeySocks29 I wanted to send gifts for Christmas and Birthday - was actually going to do the same for her sister so she didn't feel left out. I would have given her £20 to £50 for each Christmas and birthday so when you add it all up it's not that much. I just feel that someone should be thinking about her but if she never wants to know me that's fine.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3