To ask for an allowance of my own

[WillowPeach]

Think I am being unreasonable but not sure.

2 years ago I asked my other half if we could get cats, he was initially reluctant but like every typical cat parent, he’s head over heels for them. They cost us around £80-£90 per month. Neither of us resent paying this, we love them and make sure they’re looked after properly.

My other half has a season ticket for his football club. It costs us £80 per month because he’s got the best seats. I do resent this money because I see it as money that could go on holidays/date nights etc. However, he fairly argues that it’s the only thing he does, true, fine fair enough.

I can’t help how I feel about it though, nor do I want to resent him or his hobby. I don’t do anything for myself either though, I don’t go out and I don’t spend money on anything. We’ll both have a couple of takeaways together through the month though.

Currently we pool all of our income together and it’s joint money - we both work full time. I suggested to him that every month I take £80 out of joint account to spend on whatever or save. He’s totally fine with this, no issues. Great.

Spoke to a colleague at work who says I’m being unreasonable because “I get the cats”. So now I don’t know if I am being unfair to him by asking him for my own ‘fun money’ per month. The cats initially were my thing but within weeks he’s been totally won over and loves them just as much. So I don’t see them as ‘my thing’, I see them as ‘our pets’ and they’re another expense that should come from the joint money.

Am I being unreasonable? I’m so undecided...

No

Why do you need his permission to spend £? If you joint funds, is the excess not there for both to use?

I think it's fair that you split the cost of the cats and then get £80 each fun money.

What the fuck is it to do with your colleague? Spend your money how you like. If they bring it up again just respond that the cats are joint pets, they bring you both lots of pleasure so they are a household expense.

@WillowPeach

Why do you spend nearly £100 a month on CATS?

How many have you got?!

Anyway, I don't think this 'you spend this much so I should be allowed to spend an equal amount' mentality bodes well for your relationship sorry...

I don't know OR care who spends more out of me and DH. Bizarre to be counting it, and trying to spend the same.

The cats are joint pets. DH and I do this - pool our money, pay out for the bills, have a joint account for food etc and then have a set amount that goes into our own personal accounts to spend on what we like. It works really well.

It is absolutely none of anyone else’s business. You and your dp earn the money and therefore jointly decide how to spend it. Why do you care if everyone you ask says Yabu? It’s none of their business.

Work out your total monthly bills including the cats. Divide them in proportion to your relative earnings each month and pay that amount plus a top up for takeaways, holidays, joint trips & meals into a joint account each month. The rest of your earnings goes into your own bank account. Your DH can use £80 of his money on his season ticket. You can use it on trips to the cinema or anything else you fancy.

This is literally why I’d never combine finances with anyone. You don’t need to be policing each other’s spending

£80 a month on cats seems high, I have 3 md/large dogs and I spend £90 on good quality food for them. Are they dining in salmon of an evening?

It's none of your colleagues business really and your DH isn't complaining so f you want to take the money, take it. However if it was your DH who had brought up the cats then I would say he has a point since he didn't want them , you did, the fact that he loves them is neither here nor there imo but anyway that isn't even the question. I do agree with another poster though who said they would hate to be policed on what they spend

£80 a month on cats???
We have 2 and they cost £12 insurance and £11 flea treatment per month for 2, then food is probably £20 too. So that's just over £40 a month.

£80-£90 on cats how??

You shouldn't need to justify having spending money- I would just draw money out and use it, don't 'ask'

Is this your partner or your dad? Why the hell do you have to ask for an 'allowance'?

Why do you spend nearly £100 a month on CATS

Er, insurance, food, flea and worm treatments, vaccinations, cattery fees, savings towards insurance excess, toys, beds etc. Could easily be £50 per cat per month when averaged out.

OP, your colleague clearly sees the cats as your hobby, when clearly they're a joint household expense.

I bet if you had DC he (I bet it's a he) would see the DC as your hobby and therefore up to you to do all the work, childcare, running around etc and pay for all the clothes, activities etc? Sounds like your colleague is a dick.

And of course you should get £80 pm (or whatever is affordable - same amount as your DH) personal spending money, even if you currently don't spend anything on yourself. You never know, this time next year, you might want to take up an expensive hobby, and then you'll have some savings to get you started.

Hmmm. Well firstly, why not just have your own money and spend it as you see fit.

But secondly, I think it's a bit rubbish to hassle your DP to get cats then expect him to pay half the cost because now he likes them.

My SIL basically over ruled her DH on getting a dog. She went and got one anyway despite his protestations. Of course he now loves the dog, but it grates when she's forever demanding he walks it etc.

Apparently it's adorable when men refuse to get pets then love them anyway. Well of course he's going to love a cute creature, that isn't a reason to get one.

Of course you should spend your money on what you want - bugger allowances

You wanted the cats - they're 'your' thing, regardless of him loving them. He has his season ticket.

I think you should both have extra spending money, and YABU for resenting the season ticket.

We have 2 and they cost £12 insurance and £11 flea treatment per month for 2, then food is probably £20 too. So that's just over £40 a month

£6 pm insurance is likely to be a very restricted policy or maybe the cost for a 1 or 2 YO cat with no health problems. A more comprehensive policy is more like £20 pm per cat, certainly if they are older.

I pay £45 pm to insure 4 cats and I shopped around a lot to get it for that 'little' and it's not Petplan because they wanted about twice that amount. Seems OK so far, but it doesn't cover dental. I bet your cats cost more than £10 a month each to feed too.

Our cats probably cost us £200-250 pm and there will be people spending a lot more because we get mid range food and you can pay a lot more for food (and insurance) than we do.

I'm not sure what you're BU about. He's fine with you having money to do what you want with.

PS - I have 3 cats - their fed 3x per day and cost around £55 a month

@BarbaraofSeville you're being ripped off. I have a pure bred show dog and I don't pay that much insurance a month for him... on an extremely comprehensive policy.

The £45 pm is for 4 cats, so between £5 and £20 pm each (one of them is 12 years old so costs more to insure.

Why do you need to decide If your unreasonable? Your OH is happy so it’s fuck all to do with anybody else. You surely need money for the odd drink out or clothes.

If we all say YABU what then? You never spend anything again on leisure? Weird, honestly.

Nothing to do with your colleague. If your OH had a problem with it, he'd have said so, wouldn't he?

You might have initially been the one that wanted the cats but that STILL doesn't mean that you shouldn't have money to spend for yourself, rather than just the cats.

If you had a baby, would you have to spend all your money "allowance" on the baby as well, without your OH contributing? Cats and babies cost money - but they're both "family" (Of course at different levels but still) and as such they should be paid for by both of you.

You should have your "allowance" as well.