To ask for an allowance of my own

[WillowPeach]

Think I am being unreasonable but not sure.

2 years ago I asked my other half if we could get cats, he was initially reluctant but like every typical cat parent, he’s head over heels for them. They cost us around £80-£90 per month. Neither of us resent paying this, we love them and make sure they’re looked after properly.

My other half has a season ticket for his football club. It costs us £80 per month because he’s got the best seats. I do resent this money because I see it as money that could go on holidays/date nights etc. However, he fairly argues that it’s the only thing he does, true, fine fair enough.

I can’t help how I feel about it though, nor do I want to resent him or his hobby. I don’t do anything for myself either though, I don’t go out and I don’t spend money on anything. We’ll both have a couple of takeaways together through the month though.

Currently we pool all of our income together and it’s joint money - we both work full time. I suggested to him that every month I take £80 out of joint account to spend on whatever or save. He’s totally fine with this, no issues. Great.

Spoke to a colleague at work who says I’m being unreasonable because “I get the cats”. So now I don’t know if I am being unfair to him by asking him for my own ‘fun money’ per month. The cats initially were my thing but within weeks he’s been totally won over and loves them just as much. So I don’t see them as ‘my thing’, I see them as ‘our pets’ and they’re another expense that should come from the joint money.

Am I being unreasonable? I’m so undecided...

Hmm. We normally agree if something is a 'house joint' expense or a personal expense before we start doing it, but I have to admit, I think we forgot that when we got the cats at my insistence.

If you'd agreed at the time that 'we' are getting cats, and there was no objection to them being a joint expense, I think that stands, so YANBU.

But mostly, YABU for having actually no problem at all with your husband, but starting an AIBU thread based on a colleague's meaningless input.

I would just have what I wanted / needed. If you got a £100 gym membership would he take an extra £20 a month of fun money? It seems a bit petty.

Spending what you want/need is fair enough when there is enough money to go round and cover essentials and everyone's wants and needs.

However, there will come a point when the wants or needs will exceed the money available so at that point it is reasonable to check that essentials are being met both short and long term and that discretionary spending money is shared fairly.

Otherwise you could be in a situation where someone has a £100 pm gym membership, but there isn't enough in the account to pay the gas bill, or one person has a £100 pm gym membership and the other can't even buy essential clothing or have their own gym membership should they want one.

And this is why you shouldn't have joint accounts. After all bills are paid my money is my money! £80 a month is nothing.

Well unless the person at work contributes to your finances, they dint get a say.
I would say tho if you're taking £80 aa month out, make an effort to do something with it. Not to waste it butbecause I'm not sure accumulating savings will make you feel better about his time at football. Cinema, hobby, gym, coffee with your friends etc.

If you both work then why do you need to ask?
Weird

Redpanda we have a joint account and I can spend what I like when I like. Works perfectly. The word allowance has never come into it.

Nothing to do with your colleague. The cats are a joint thing so should be a joint cost.

I don't quite understand what you're worried about. Your OH is quite happy with you having £80 to spend on 'leisure' because he has his season ticket, and surely his opinion (and yours) is the only one that matters when it's about how you both spend your money?
If he's not saying that the cats are 'your' thing and he's happy for you to have the £80, then where's the problem? Don't let the opinion of one colleague sway you.

Absolutely none of your colleague's business. What does she know about your relationship? Who made her the authority on marital finances?

Ditto the Nest of Vipers that is Mumsnet (so I will restrain myself and not tell you what I think even though I am bursting to say of course you should have £80 for yourself)

I can’t help how I feel about it though, nor do I want to resent him or his hobby. I don’t do anything for myself either though, I don’t go out and I don’t spend money on anything. We’ll both have a couple of takeaways together through the month though

I get the feeling that this resentment is more the nub of the issue. You said you resent him having the ticket because you feel it's money that could be spent on doing things together. But couples don't have to do everything together. Maybe you feel he shouldn't be spending money on something of his own? And if so-why?

You also say you don't do anything for yourself. It sounds as if you resent his spending because YOU don't spend anything on yourself and feel that therefore he shouldn't either. Do you not spend on yourself because you are genuinely content with not going out or spending on hobbies etc (which is fine) or are you restricting what YOU would like to spend because you feel that couples shouldn't be doing things separately?
If it's the latter, then having the £80 allowance isn't going to make much difference, you'll still resent his season ticket because deep down you didn't really want the £80 to spend on just yourself anyway.

I'm lost why don't you spend on yourself? Are you both skint?

I don’t do anything for myself either though, I don’t go out and I don’t spend money on anything

I just don't get this. Why not? Do you not have friends? A social life? Any interests?

@zeezee3

We have two cars. They are expensive little buggers haha. They’ve both got sensitive stomachs, the only thing that doesn’t cause this is grain free food which is more expensive. General supermarket stuff or popular brand stuff also only has a very small percentage of meat (as low as 4%!) so we try to get them decent stuff (although not the best of the best because that would be super expensive).

£32 on wet food
£12 on dry food
£16 on cat litter
£7 flea and worm
£16 insurance

Also, we have a very good relationship together 8 years, very solid, getting married in 2 years on our 10 year anniversary. It’s all good.

We don’t police each other’s spending, if anyone needs anything we get it. Toiletries, nights out with friends (rare) etc we get if. But when something is a direct debit then it’s pretty hard not to notice £80 going out the account every month ha.

For those asking why I’ve asked for an allowance. My other half is definitely not controlling, I just ‘asked’ out of respect to keep make sure there aren’t any issues with it/commitments I need to be aware of, keep him in the loop with what’s going on with finances etc.

@AryaStarkWolf

Neither of us is policed. I haven’t a clue what he spends when he goes out with his mates for a pint etc, no do I care. But it’s quite a significant direct debt so I’m aware of it. It’s not a case of he draws out £20 and I’m like oh what you done that for, I wouldn’t even notice because I don’t have notifications set up on my phone - not do I care to.

So do you just want to set up an £80 direct debit because he has one?

@MorrisZapp I’m not hassling him, we literally pool all of our money together. I’m not sure it matters but I’m on a £12,000 higher wage than him so either way, I’m technically paying a bigger contribution (though I really don’t see it that way). All of our money is joint money and I don’t give a toss who earns more.

If your OH is fine with it (as he bloody well should be!) why the hell does your colleague’s completely irrelevant opinion have any bearing at all?

Of course you’re not being unreasonable, of course things should be as fair and equitable as possible between the two of you and of course you shouldn’t feel guilty about having equal access to funds for nice things for yourself when it’s a given that it’s fine for your OH to have that amount to spend on the thing(s) that he enjoys!

That individual would have got a piece of my mind!

Nope not unreasonable at all.

You’re happy, he’s happy, the cats are happy. It’s nobody else’s concern!

@newmomof1 no I don’t. I’m just making sure that all is well to have my own little pot to spend as please

@ThingInTheAttic

I’m totally with you, couples defo don’t have to do things together all the time. We don’t have a yearly holiday though (not an issue, i get its a luxury and not a right) but it annoys me that he’ll say we can’t afford a holiday but actually we could if he wasn’t spending £80 a month on a season ticket. (He does go out with mates, he was in dublin earlier in the year). I’m coming to his way of thinking tho that maybe £80 per month for a monthly luxury rather than 1 big one per year may be better.

Meh I know I’m overthinking this. He isn’t fussed. I’m a worrier tho and tend to overthink

Take the money out op and treat yourself.
I couldn't imagine spending nothing at all on myself and I have 2dc.

Don't you buy anything just for you? Clothes/shoes/make up/books etc?

@Bluntness100

I’m really not a social butterfly. I’m more of a happy to meet up with friends every few months kind of thing. I’m a social worker and spend all my time at work with people so I love being alone. He’s the opposite and gets needy if he doesn’t see his friends for like 2 weeks - I’ve no issue with it. He goes to the pub, plays pool etc. I don’t know or care what he spends when he’s generally out and about.