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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite my mum

46 replies

HappyHippy45 · 06/08/2019 14:35

My mum is a lovely person but hard work. She interupts all the time, often with stories we've heard a million times before, doesn't listen and everything that is said she relates back to her own experience. On a one to one basis it's completely manageable although irritating but in a group setting it's really difficult. I have MS and a very limited social life mostly due to fatigue. When we have family get togethers I end up sitting beside her not through choice but necessity. I am stuck with her the whole time and miss out on what's going on as she's wittering on about her "important" stuff. I'm pulled away from group conversations by her talking to me. She doesn't wait for her turn to speak. It's exhausting. If she comes to my house and stays for a few hours by herself I am exhausted afterwards and the next day. When other people visit I'm exhausted afterwards but ok again after resting.
She'd be really upset if she found out we'd met without her (but wouldn't say anything.) Is it mean to not invite her? The rest of the family kind of get it but I'd still feel bad for doing it. I just want to enjoy seeing my family and hearing what's happening in their lives. I know she won't be around for ever and maybe I should appreciate time together with her....instead of excluding her.

OP posts:
newmomof1 · 06/08/2019 14:52

Yes YABVU to exclude her.
Just say "sorry mom I want to hear what Jeff's talking about. We can discuss your bunions later", surely?

Contraceptionismyfriend · 06/08/2019 15:01

YANBU. You're a grown adult. You can do things without your mum.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 06/08/2019 15:02

Do you think she has early onset dementia? or anxiety?

cjt110 · 06/08/2019 15:10

Is she lonely?

Turn it round. How would you feel if you found out the family had met and left you out of the invite?

Go sit elsewhere

Skittlesandbeer · 06/08/2019 15:13

Better to invite her but set boundaries to prevent her ‘cordoning you off’. So what if she sits alone for a while? Feel free to warn her ahead of the event ‘Mum, last few times we’ve all caught up I feel as though I didn’t actually get to speak to anyone but you. I’m going to make an effort to mingle on Saturday, I really want to hear about the new baby/graduation/house move. Wanted to let you know.’

I’d also word up a few of the others by text ‘hey guys, can you help out with mum a bit on Saturday? Feel like I don’t get to catch up properly with you all sometimes!’

The rest is up to you. Read up on ‘setting healthy boundaries’. It’s very liberating, but you’ve got to start the ball rolling!

Original poster
HappyHippy45 · 06/08/2019 15:13

newmomof1 I have done that and my sister has started doing too. She just sits there looking upset after we do it....and then carries on interrupting/hogging the conversation.

It would be a get together with my brother, sister and their families.....so a bit awkward if she found out.

iasktoomanyquestions She's ALWAYS been like this but I think I'm just getting less tolerant and accepting since becoming disabled. She definitely anxious about things and is always going at 100mph....and has been very set in her ways forever. (Her ways might not fit with everyone else's but she's in the right.) Her memory is reasonably ok. She's mid 70's so forgetting the odd thing is almost expected. We do keep an eye out and are aware of dementia as her mum had it.

OP posts:
graziemille567 · 06/08/2019 15:23

Could you not have a chat with her at all and get it out in the open, hopefully find a compromise with her? I know it's not easy for people to change but if no one tells her how she makes others feel then she won't ever change.

Original poster
HappyHippy45 · 06/08/2019 15:25

Due to my disability I am restricted to where I sit....and my mums preferred seat is next to mine. (She doesn't like the other seats as they "rock.") There's just a few of us, sitting around one room so no mingling. It's definitely a group thing. Before becoming disabled I could get up and sit where I wanted!
I think she is lonely. She's a busy lady and keeps herself occupied but I don't think that's enough.

I'm fairly socially isolated due to disability and I suppose I feel resentful that my time to actually have a conversation with another human being is being monopolised by her.

I came on here looking for permission to not invite her but I suppose I should look harder for solutions.

OP posts:
Nubbled · 06/08/2019 15:27

Why do you always have to sit next to her?

Nubbled · 06/08/2019 15:28

Sorry, cross posted.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 06/08/2019 15:28

I think it’s acceptable to meet with your siblings without your mother.

Original poster
HappyHippy45 · 06/08/2019 15:29

graziemille567 Not possible. The upset it would cause her wouldn't be worth it.

OP posts:
stressedin · 06/08/2019 15:30

YANBU. I’d just do it.

If she finds out she was excluded just tell her what you’ve told us here.

PooWillyBumBum · 06/08/2019 15:30

YANBU to meet up with your siblings without your mum. Just as she wouldn't be U to meet up with them without you. You're allowed your individual relationships.

Original poster
HappyHippy45 · 06/08/2019 15:31

I think I've got two choices. Get my dh and ds to rearrange the furniture.......Or not invite her.

OP posts:
graziemille567 · 06/08/2019 15:31

@HappyHippy45 Fair enough - but what would upset her more, being excluded or being spoken to about her behaviour? I don't think there's anything wrong in you seeing your siblings without your mum, but to make a habit of it every time would be a little bit harsh.

SilverySurfer · 06/08/2019 15:34

So I'm guessing she didn't have the patience to listen to you as child, when you repeated things to her over and over? Hmm

I think YABVU and mean.

picklemepopcorn · 06/08/2019 15:34

Change the dynamic. Don't invite everyone except her, that would be mean. Invite smaller sets of people.

Also, when it is everyone make it activity focused so people move around- a game of some kind.

Give her a job to do helping.

Nottobesoldseparately · 06/08/2019 15:35

Can you go out instead?
A meal round a large table??
Put her in the middle of the grandchildren?
Get your siblings on board to help move you, or 're arrange the furniture?

picklemepopcorn · 06/08/2019 15:36

From experience, there's no way you can have that conversation without causing upset. Just say now you are unwell you need to be with smaller groups, so sometimes it will be just her, sometimes, just another friend, sometimes a just a few family members.

Atalune · 06/08/2019 15:41

Move the seating around

Get DH and other family members involved to chat to her and not you. Don’t bear the brunt.

Invite her her a bit later than the others.....so have a staggered party. If she queries it, just say the other guys arrived a bit earlier.

My mum used to go very broad Scots when she was nervous and my kids and Dh couldn't understand her. I would say- mum they don’t understand you, you’ll need to stop speaking like that. My mums mood was also massively improved by one glass of wine! And so was mine!

thecatsthecats · 06/08/2019 15:46

Do you think she has early onset dementia?

Hmm

Have you just never met someone with poor social skills? I was wondering if OP were my sister...

letmepeeinpeace · 06/08/2019 15:50

@thecatsthecats only took three posts till someone mentioned it Grin

Disfordarkchocolate · 06/08/2019 15:53

I think you need to move her favourite chair and designate someone who is prepared to sit next to her and listen. If this person changes every time no one will feel burdened.

Barbarafromblackpool · 06/08/2019 15:57

You’ve got my permission. You don’t have to see ALL family at the same time. Change the dynamic and enjoy seeing your siblings.