To not invite my mum

[HappyHippy45]

My mum is a lovely person but hard work. She interupts all the time, often with stories we've heard a million times before, doesn't listen and everything that is said she relates back to her own experience. On a one to one basis it's completely manageable although irritating but in a group setting it's really difficult. I have MS and a very limited social life mostly due to fatigue. When we have family get togethers I end up sitting beside her not through choice but necessity. I am stuck with her the whole time and miss out on what's going on as she's wittering on about her "important" stuff. I'm pulled away from group conversations by her talking to me. She doesn't wait for her turn to speak. It's exhausting. If she comes to my house and stays for a few hours by herself I am exhausted afterwards and the next day. When other people visit I'm exhausted afterwards but ok again after resting.
She'd be really upset if she found out we'd met without her (but wouldn't say anything.) Is it mean to not invite her? The rest of the family kind of get it but I'd still feel bad for doing it. I just want to enjoy seeing my family and hearing what's happening in their lives. I know she won't be around for ever and maybe I should appreciate time together with her....instead of excluding her.

I totally agree with those who are saying tell other family members so they can take turns talking to her to free you up.
Wherever the venue is doesn’t sound great if you are stuck in a chair next to her the whole time though. People need to mingle. Is there another venue you could use?

I’m imagining you and she will come together so you can’t get there first or stay in after, those would have been other options. Unless that’s negotiable and another family member takes her down later and let’s you go on first?

You do need to be more assertive so she doesn’t hog you though.
It would be a shame not to invite her though, unless it’s something you’ve all planned and she wouldn’t like it, like a race night or something if she doesn’t like that.

You could invite everyone but mum for afternoon and then add mum for dinner. So you catch up with everyone else, say from 3-5 and then mum is invited for 5 for dinner part of family get together.
Just have mum arrive two hours into any gathering so she is not excluded.

To reiterate it's a small group setting...8 adults, one toddler....think chairs in a circle and it's very much one person speaking with very little in between conversations.....the toddler distracts less than she does

My mum gets a lift here from other family members. It would be very odd to get her to come later.

The venue is my house because going out isn't feasible just now.

Yes. Separate your two chairs

Move the chairs about

Play a game

I think it’s acceptable to meet with your siblings without your mother.

Me too. I would meet my sister without my mother present. We meet up with dh's siblings too. Why does your mum have to be present at every meeting?

I meet with my sister and her husband by themselves but when my brother and wife come they bring my mum...as it's easier to see all of us at the same time. So by default if there's a get together with dh and sil my mum comes. Maybe I'll ask them and see what they think....they might be relieved not to have to bring her😂

*get together with db and sil

I sit on a couch that reclines and my mum sits beside me.......I "could" sit in another chair but it causes a bit of discomfort........

I think I'd put up with a bit of discomfort. Prep someone else to take your spot.

If your family ' kind of get it' why don't you ask them to spend time with your mum?
Instead of excluding her, let others hear the stories you are bored off.
Surely this is better than causing unnecessary heart ache for a woman who loves and cares for you

I wonder if your mum is conscious of you being ill and is trying to keep you 'motivated' and positive (perhaps these are not quite the right words) by talking so much. I am only wondering this as I have been in her position and felt that I had to keep things interesting for the person who had a condition. I may be wrong of course but it is a possibility. (After a while I realised my issue of course and adjusted this). I wonder if you can tell her that your concentration is poor and so you find you need gaps between conversations so that you can take in each sentence? Anyway, I would say yes to moving the chairs. And perhaps start to encourage visits from smaller groups, sometimes mum on her own, sometimes your sibling and partner, etc. Could you have the larger group visits less frequently? You could blame this all on your fatigue of course - and if you broach it as smaller group visits it isn't really leaving somebody out. I have a chronic illness myself and would find 8 too much personally.

I like @Skittlesandbeer's idea of specifically asking others to share the burden a bit. Also rearranging the chairs or sitting far away from her in a different chair and putting up with a bit of discomfort.

Also agree that meeting to with smaller sections of the group on their own works work - then you're not excluding her, you're just seeing individuals / couples on more of a one -to -one basis.

Also could you maybe mingle a bit in the kitchen with one or two people while she holds forth in the living room? Or invite someone that you want to chat to into a different room / the garden to "look at" something?

cheeseandwin5
We have ALL heard the same stories multiple times for decades. We've all taken our share of being interrupted etc and I suppose it's our own fault for not dealing with it sooner.....but she's our mum and just the way she is. We are all very patient and understanding with her. It's only a problem now because I am ill.

I sit on a couch that reclines and my mum sits beside me.......I "could" sit in another chair but it causes a bit of discomfort........

next time have your sister say "hang on a second mum, I want to sit next to Happy this time" and just stick to her guns.

Oh my, I sympathize. I too have a parent who I love to the moon and back -- but who is such hard work! On and on with the same stories, interrupting and talking over others, would be deeply upset if they were excluded but also finds get-togethers anxiety provoking.

Thinking about this from my own experience, it would be incredibly cruel to say anything to my parent. They wouldn't know what I meant, would be hurt, and would probably just end up talking even more because they are insecure. However, I would feel comfortable mentioning it to my siblings and asking them to give me a break. We all love our parent but are equally able to see what a pita they are!

Something along the lines of what @pallisers suggested would be great. You ought to be able to plead your disability with your siblings too. They can get up and walk to another room to get a break, you can't, so they should help you out.

Another suggestion: could you ask your mum to do some kind of task like making the tea/arranging snacks/helping you sort through some knitting (or whatever)? So she feels useful and part of what's happening, while you're all sitting around chatting about topics she might not be able to contribute too.

I think it's time for a spring clean and furniture re-arrange.

Put the seat that doesn't rock furthest away from you.

Change furniture around if you feel you really cannot leave her out.

Thanks @ellaellaE that's helpful...even just to know that there are other people with a parent like mine!