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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I've completely embarrassed myself?

27 replies

girlsgonetame · 06/08/2019 12:27

So I think my DH is having an affair (there's a whole other thread about that). Have found the girl on Instagram and been having a look thru and now my friend has helpfully said to me "you do know she can see if you've watched her story?" NO?!?! I didn't know that?!?! She's going to know I've been looking and she'll tell DH and my cover will be blown. Maybe they're not even having an affair and I've simply made a fool of myself - that's the best case scenario!

OP posts:

Wherearemycrayons · 06/08/2019 12:35

That’s only if they look at the list of people that have viewed it though, and unless they do it every day or specifically are interested I can’t see her knowing or caring so don’t worry too much! Have you any other proof? What’s made you think he’s having an affair?

BeanBag7 · 06/08/2019 12:42

If they're not having an affair why would she be checking to see who watched it?
If shes checking and calls you out on it that seems, to me, like the sign of a guilty conscience!

Gracie300 · 06/08/2019 12:47

Not gonna lie, I’d find it weird if someone I didn’t know/wasn’t friends with viewed my story. Wouldn’t say anything, but I’d find it odd.

ALittleBitAlexis · 06/08/2019 12:49

It doesn't notify you when someone's looked, there's just an option to see the list of viewers. How long ago did you look? If you block her I think you'll disappear from the list (that works with errant likes).

user1480880826 · 06/08/2019 13:00

Surely she is the one that will be embarrassed if she realises you’ve found her on Instagram. I don’t see why you would be embarrassed.

Also, you’ve just found out that your husband is having an affair and you are worrying about her seeing that you’ve viewed her Instagram story? Haven’t you got bigger fish to fry?

You seem to be pretty chilled out about the affair. I don’t think I would be scrolling through her Instagram feed with my mate if I were in your shoes.

Croquembou · 06/08/2019 13:00

Block her now and she won't see.

Then, more importantly, stop torturing yourself like this. It doesn't help.

Gracie300 · 06/08/2019 14:34

How do you know they’re having an affair?

Original poster

girlsgonetame · 06/08/2019 15:08

I don't know that they are having an affair. I suspect they are or that he wants to. Or that something is going on at least. I have only just found out her name as he wouldn't tell me and had her saved in his phone under a totally different (male) name

So I found her on Facebook and Instagram. There wasn't much on Facebook but she had posted a bit on Instagram and when I tried to look at her profile picture that is when I discovered the "story".

I've tried blocking her, hopefully she won't have noticed that I have looked at it. Not heard anything from DH but that's not unusual. I'll have to see if he says anything tonight.

OP posts:

AllSweetnessAndLight · 06/08/2019 15:13

IF she is having an affair with YOUR husband, she should be the one who is embarrassed. Have you spoken to your DH about your suspicions?

Original poster

girlsgonetame · 06/08/2019 15:28

Sweetnessandlight that is true but I still look like a sad old woman either way. Imagine if she's not doing anything wrong and he's just got a silly crush on her and she's seen that I'm looking her up.

OP posts:

Iforgotit12345 · 06/08/2019 15:49

I googled the blocking trick - and congrats it works, so rest easy, they'll not know you peeped. But troubles me how cowered you seem, doubting yourself and your gut instincts. And even if those instincts are wrong - trust and communication seem out of balance and that's not so easily corrected.

Hope turns out ok - is great you got that friend. And I was in a controlling relationship once, so please don't think me judgmental.

Best wishes A

whocanbebothered · 06/08/2019 15:50

I post storied on my IG very often and only check the Viewers maybe 1 in 20 times, so you will likely be fine. I often quite frequently get people I don't know watching my stories (as I have a public profile) and I don't think I've ever looked into who they are, or if I know them/they know me. There are so many bot IG accounts out there that I just assume its one of them. I'm sure you will be fine.

I recommend creating a fairly blank IG profile to use for your snooping. I have a "fake" IG and Facebook profile for such things

IAskTooManyQuestions · 06/08/2019 15:51

You dont trust your DP. Thats the sad bit. No trust = no relationship, pick up your dignity and stop prowling round the internet like a 12 year old.

You havent got the foggiest whether he's over the side or not, you've fixated on this woman for no reason other than you can.

P1218120699 · 06/08/2019 15:52

Having another woman's number in his phone under a males name is a massive red flag and gives you justification to be snooping! However, if you block her you me name won't come up when/if she checks who's seen her story. X

Original poster

girlsgonetame · 06/08/2019 16:18

@IAskTooManyQuestions what would you suggest I do then? I know looking at her on the Internet isn't going to solve anything and will just make me feel worse but I wanted to see it the glimpse I have caught of her was what I thought or if I had built it up in my head.

OP posts:

RedWoollyHat · 06/08/2019 17:03

I mean this kindly OP, what is it you hope to see on her Instagram that will mean anything re. the possible affair with your husband? I can't see how there'll be anything relating to your husband on there. I've yet to hear of anyone ever who went looking at an affair partner or ex's or anyone's social media and any good ever came of it. You just end up torturing yourself. What are you hoping to find there?

Original poster

girlsgonetame · 06/08/2019 18:05

@RedWoollyHat I am just torturing myself. I know that. Not on there looking for evidence. Just to see what he sees in her and it's quite obvious what.

OP posts:

AllSweetnessAndLight · 06/08/2019 18:21

@girlsgonetame You are not the one in the wrong here. Don't feel embarrassed.

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 06/08/2019 18:26

Actually it gives you an idea of what is going on in her life and whether she's in places similar to your husband. Its called playing the long game and I understand why you've looked.

Don't doubt yourself. Make a plan.

Itsallgonewoowoo · 06/08/2019 19:22

I've seen your other post, I know you didn't want him to find out you suspected until you had got things in place. Luckily the blocking works. Good luck to you OP.

Laiste · 06/08/2019 19:38

I agree that having someone in your contacts under a different name (and sex) is massively suspicious.

Handle this in what ever way works best for you OP, but don't let anyone make you think you're just being paranoid. I'd be very mistrustful too.

Iforgotit12345 · 07/08/2019 09:06

Looked in again this morning - as such a difficult situation and interested to read what others thought. And totally agree with the don't let anyone convince you just paranoia. And looking on social media what anyone would have done. Who wouldn't need to see and stare at and weigh up. And you may be right - she may look great and seem to be what any man wants - but is she? And does she really want him or being narcissistic ? And what do you want? As easy to forget your own qualities. And self worth everything when stability threatened. Loving, open, supportive, nurturing, and loyal, - it strikes that you tick every box, and right now he doesn't any of the big ones. How good a catch is he - has he lots of money and a big nob and makes you laugh and brings you breakfast? As suspect not, and she and you have something in common - both could do better.

Best wishes A

Original poster

girlsgonetame · 07/08/2019 09:35

@Iforgotit12345 from my other thread about it

We talked last night. I told him I knew she had been saved in his phone as Steve and asked him what was going on and if he said nothing I wanted reassurance that it was nothing.

He said she was saved as Steve to save questions/arguments from me if her name popped up. I asked him to show me his phone. No texts but some calls. I asked him to explain and he said they just didn't text which I don't believe. If they call each other they must text. At least once! I don't think he thought to check/delete WhatsApp call history.

Battery usage is only normal stuff like WhatsApp etc. Nothing suspicious. He spends a lot of time on WhatsApp.

I asked if she is going to a work event at the weekend and he said he doesn't think so, promised he's telling the truth.

He said they do chat in work and get along but nothing is going on.

I asked him to put on sharing his location with me and he has done.

So still no evidence. I feel like I am going crazy. Maybe I am just jealous. I have been jealous of other women before and he's always assured nothing going on. Never had any proof either way.

OP posts:

Passmeabrew · 07/08/2019 09:43

Honesty though, do you believe him? This sounds like a recurring theme in your relationship. If you don't trust him, what's the point? Do you really want to spend your life like to his sat at vhime torturing yourself? Checking his location? Doubting what he tells you? You don't need proof, you can just leave. Living like this must be awful.

Iforgotit12345 · 07/08/2019 11:30

Mmmm ... tricky ... as jealousy can be a monster that destroys relationships, where overreaction to simple interactions can leave a partner thinking - I might as well be hung for a horse as a chicken.

But ... you are very open about being prone to and suffering pangs of. And innocent as may be - he doesn't strike as very accommodating with regards to that. And lies however small the worst strategy possible. As agree no way they never ever messaged only called. It would have been more reassuring to hear he deleted in case you read something into that wasn't. That more plausible. And wouldn't now feel in emotional limbo. But not going mad. And positives -

You spoke up - calmly explained your fears.
You set a precedent re phone access to reassure.
He agreed to let you track
And likely innocent as didn't have a tantrum

Those are four biggies. You did as much as possibly could and should pause and congratulate yourself. Pause and smile and plan for next time. As right or wrong - makes no odds - you can't spend the rest of your life questioning your own sanity like a damsel out of a Hitchcock film ! So going to message again with a brief PI internet guide I once sent to a friend.

Finest

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