... to feel like I just can't cope, yet can't open up to DH / friends?

[bellainthemiddle]

I'm feeling totally overwhelmed and tearful and panicky and I just don't know how to get over this. I feel like I should be able to pull myself together, but I just can't do it.

The stupidest thing is that I just can't bring myself to open up to DH or my friends... I just want to pretend that everything is fine because I'm worried about worrying people.

I think I just need somebody to tell me to stop being an idiot. Any takers?!

Oh no, how frustrating! Still, at least you've only got to wait until tomorrow.

Hang in there!

Yes, an emergency home visit must take priority. At least you aren’t in that position, OP! You’re doing ok, you really are, it’s al quite normal and you need to just hang on in there, keep communication open with OH, family and friends, medical staff and MN. Come on, we’ve all got through it and so know you can too! The worst thing you can do is pretend it’s not happening and just shut down thinking it’s just you who is the oddball.

You’re not an oddball and you’re not on your own. You can do this, lady! 💪

It actually went really well! The doctor was super nice and I felt like I managed to explain everything ok. She did, like everyone here, make me feel that it's not pathetic or abnormal to have these feelings. So I'm starting on a low dose of sertraline (which I was a bit unsure about, but on balance it probably does seem like a good idea) and she's referred me to the local mental health services for an assessment (which apparently I should get quickly because of being postnatal). But she was really encouraging, in saying "we will get you through this" and stuff, which kind of really made a difference to me because I don't feel like I've got to get through it completely on my own.

She also said I should take any offers of help I get with DD so as to get a bit of time out, since my partner is away so much and she thinks this is probably hard for me. I had never really thought about it, but I suppose there is something in that! I honestly have so much admiration for single parents though, I can't imagine doing it on my own... so tough!

And thanks VERY much to everyone here for the support and helping me to get up the courage to make this step. I really mean it! Sometimes it is easier to express yourself to strangers than to people in RL, and you all really did help me. Big thanks!!

I'm so happy for you! Glad that we were able to help you to get help in RL. And already you sound much brighter!

Yes, do take any help offered. It's not a reflection of weakness, even people who sail through having a young baby, need to have some time to themselves, or some practical help, from time to time.

Time for yourself is so important. It allows you to feel human, to be you, not just Mum, to spend that time on something you love doing, whether that's just a nice long uninterrupted bath, curling up on the sofa with a nice hot(!) cuppa and a good book, or going out to the gym, or to meet a friend for a coffee. It really helps with your mental health, and is not selfish, it's a necessity.

So, now you are on your way back up! You'll still get bad days, things won't change immediately, (Sertraline will take a few weeks to kick in) but you're now in a position of strength, and can get through them, knowing it will pass. And there will always be someone on MN, no matter the time of day or night, if you need support.

Thank you! I bit the bullet and started the sertraline today - I was wondering if I should wait until DP got back, since I read that it can make you feel worse mood-wise in the first week or so, but I decided just to go for it!

And yes, what you say makes total sense - often I find like I'm feeling like just a mum and that I've lost the sense of myself as an independent human being! But I can see it's something that must be so common for new mums.

When I started on Sertraline, the only thing I noticed, was feeling lethargic, but I wasn't sure if it was the drug, or something else that was causing it. I did come off it after about 3 weeks though, due to not really needing it.

(My GP had prescribed it after I told him I occasionally get really anxious. I've got cancer, so at times, like waiting for scan results, the anxiety hits me. The rest of the time I feel ok, so it seemed pointless taking it when I only occasionally needed help. He's now given me Diazepam to take as and when I need it.)

I hope you're able to get time for yourself. Things do get better as baby gets older, and hopefully sleeping more at night. I always used to nap when the baby did, during the day. It's tempting to get some chores done, but only do that if you've had some decent sleep.

Well done, Bella, you’re doing great! KEep the relationship going with your GP and you WILL get this sorted!

Great to hear it, Bella. Feel free to pm me if you're ever feeling low. Happy to listen/chat. x

Thank you so much for your support, for sharing experiences, and for all the good advice. I can't say how much I appreciate it!

I have been feeling much better in myself ... but DD has a fever and her temperature is going up, so we're about to set off for children's a&e (on tel advice from the GP). She actually seems not too bad, but I feel nervous about anything to do with her health because she was early and had some issues right at the beginning...

Thanks again for all your help :)

I hope she's feeling better soon Bella. It's always worrying when they're ill at such a young age.

Remember we're here for you if you need to talk, or for more advice.

Thank you! She seems to be a lot better, but they are keeping her in for observation as a precaution - but mainly because of her early problems. At least they are taking good care of her, which I'm incredibly thankful for.

She's in the best place. Hopefully she'll be back home today.

Hope she's better soon, Bella.

I'm so relived to see you opened up to your DP and his Mum and you're getting help from the GP.

Just wanted to say you deserve to pat yourself on the back. It is SO HARD to reach out for support when you don't know which way is up. Very brave of you.

I really hope the sertraline helps; yes it can take a while to take effect in the right way. But stick with it and keep talking to people (and us!). Hope your little one is getting better.

Thank you for the messages, again.

I was kind of feeling more positive for a while but everything's gone downhill again. I'm just worrying and worrying and I feel like such a failure of a person. I just seem to mess up anything and everything!

DP was so happy that I was feeling better and I just don't want to spoil it for him by telling him that I'm feeling so bad. It wouldn't be fair.

I just wish I could be a stronger, better person! And I know my problems are nothing in comparison to what some people have to survive and I know I should be able to count my blessings and cope and feel more empathy for others. But I am just stupid, selfish, weak...

You are NOT stupid, selfish, or weak!

It's not going to be all roses, but more like a rollercoaster ride, you'll have good days and bad days. Right now, you're having bad days, but you'll come out the other side, you just have to take each day as it comes, and just keep breathing.

Please don't keep this from your partner, you need his help and understanding. Wouldn't you want to know, if it was him who was ill, and was feeling so down? Of course he was happy that you were happy, but that doesn't mean he won't want to know when you're not.

It would also be a good idea to see your GP again, your dose might need to be increased for a while, until you get on an even keel.

Be kind to yourself, stop putting yourself down, you're none of those things. What you are, is a poorly person, who needs some extra love and caring at the moment. And you deserve it.

Sending you a great big, unmumsnetty (hug).

Oh, and don't worry about other people's problems, your problems are just as valid as theirs, even if it seems like theirs are more serious.

Thank you ... it's so nice of you to reply to me. I just feel pathetic and I wish that I could just stop with this stupid worrying. I'm freaking out about my passport / settled status now and afraid that I'm going to be flung out of the country once there's a no-deal Brexit. And I was so chilled out about that till now!

I kind of know that I should open up to DP / friends, go back to the GP, etc. but I just feel like I'm in a fog and I can't even think straight :/

Do you have a follow up appointment booked with the GP after starting the Sertraline?

Yeah, on 6 September (it should have been a bit sooner, but the GP is on holidays and I really wanted to see the same one!).

If you can manage to wait to see the same one that would be better, yes. Maybe open up more to DP while you’re waiting?

Don’t worry, OP. It’s all just hormones. This isn’t the real “you”. The real you is still in there and will be back eventually!

I can sympathise. I have had depression many years ago and know what it’s like. However now I think I’m starting with perimenopausal anxiety so worry about everything, like you are. I tell myself it’s all just hormonal. But it is hard some days when I feel like everyone else at work is breaking through and I’m there feeling anxious at the slightest thing. I can’t deal with the unknown at the moment. I dwell on the various possible outcomes of things far too much and really when you stop and think about it rationally, why the actual fuck am I wasting the energy worrying about stuff I can’t change?! I’ve lost confidence in myself because i’m doubting my ability to do anything without worrying. It’s not really impeding my every day life at the moment though so more annoying than anything.

It sounds like you KNOW exactly that you aren’t behaving like your usual self and try to rationalise WHY you aren’t, but when you’re in the thick of it it’s so hard to think straight. It’s why you need to be very open with DP. Tell him “I feel X, Y or Z. I know it’s just hormones and chemical imbalances in my brain etc but I can’t stop the feelings being there.” Sometimes I think that just having someone to talk to who DOES have a rational view is very reassuring. My DH is very much a “we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it” type of person and I’m the opposite always saying “what if this happens or that happens?” His attitude has rubbed off on me over the years and I am better than I used to be but sometimes he does have to remind me that things are not as majorly problematic as I think they seem to be.

Especially regarding bloody Brexit. It’s causing a kind of constant background low level anxiety for many here I think. It’s all got so ridiculous that I just go with the flow now. Que sera sera. The only thing that winds me up is the phenomenonal waste of time and money this whole farce has been, and continues to be.

I'm sorry that you're going through this too, @CurlyhairedAssassin. Your DH sounds great, though. One thing I constantly find myself worrying about at the moment is upsetting, offending, irritating other people and DP is great from that POV because his attitude is often more like, "Tell them to take a running jump"!

I'm going to try to hang on for an appointment with my favourite GP - she is so nice, and unfortunately her appointments always go ages before the others, probably for that very reason! Practically, as well, she said a lot of the other doctors at the surgery prefer to prescribe fluoxetine rather than sertraline and she thought fluoxetine would not be right for me (because apparently sertraline is better for anxiety and fluoxetine can cause weight loss - I already have a crazy low BMI, 15.5 or something like that, so I really don't need to lose weight!).

OK Bella, try to hang on to see your GP, it's not that far off, but please do speak to DP so you have someone to lean on, that's what partners are there for.

You're not being pathetic, it's just one of the symptoms, just like if you broke your arm, it's going to ache while it's healing, or you might accidentally knock it, causing pain to flare up. It's the same, except it's chemicals and hormones causing unwanted thoughts, instead of physical pain.

Have a mantra to repeat to yourself, "This too shall pass".

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this OP - it sounds like post-natal depression, albeit a mild version.

I had it much worse with my first DC, but thankfully none with my second. I too found myself getting over anxious about everything, my self-esteem plummeted, I felt like the worst mum etc. I also had insomnia (although my lovely baby slept like a dream).

My GP put me on anti-depressants and I really don't recommend it. It takes a few weeks for them to work, during which time your symptoms get worse. Then by the time they are 'working' (I don't think they made any difference) you've been taking them too long to give them up.

I took mine for six months and then took another six months gradually reducing the dosage enough to finally stop - that's so important.

My advice would be to stop taking the anti-depressants immediately but accept that you are suffering from PND - as others have said, it will pass eventually.

I also only told my DH and very close friends, as it really helped me to try and be sociable as much as I could and put on a 'front' as it stopped me dwelling on how I felt.

I really think you will start to feel better in a few months though!