... to feel like I just can't cope, yet can't open up to DH / friends?

[bellainthemiddle]

I'm feeling totally overwhelmed and tearful and panicky and I just don't know how to get over this. I feel like I should be able to pull myself together, but I just can't do it.

The stupidest thing is that I just can't bring myself to open up to DH or my friends... I just want to pretend that everything is fine because I'm worried about worrying people.

I think I just need somebody to tell me to stop being an idiot. Any takers?!

How are you today Bella, did you get to speak to the doctor?

Hi - I did, although I embarrassed myself a bit! Basically picked up the phone and started crying, but the GP was nice (although I imagine it was a bit irritating to have some sobbing person on the other end of the phone, unable to explain what they wanted!). She made an appointment for me to come in on Monday morning to discuss the different options. So I feel like it's all going in the right direction. DH is home in a couple of hours, which I'm glad about!

@FirstTimeToddlerMum no offence, but I'm kind of glad it's not just me! My English tutor in the UK was this French woman who taught us lots of "cool" English slang, which made the kids at school fall about because it was like slang from the 50s. So the next thing is that I'll probably be saying things like "smashing" and "spiffing", lol.

And @FirstTimeToddlerMum I'm really sorry to hear about your traumatic birth. That must have been so difficult. I was lucky in that I had a VERY quick labour (basically no first stage!) but that, plus the fact that DD arrived very early (I was almost 6 weeks before beginning maternity leave, forget being prepared) kind of jumbled up the whole experience for me. And DD was in hospital for a while - although she is doing great now.

I expect the doctor is used to people crying, don't worry about it! You can have a proper chat on Monday.

So, speak to your partner later, and let him look after you. Have a good weekend.

Glad to hear you're seeking help, OP. Hormones can be wild just after birth, let alone sleep deprivation and the huge impact of having a baby.

Take care, don't worry for a second about 'irritating' the doc - they are there to help you and you deserve to be happy.

Hope you're well and able to relax and let your partner look after you this weekend.

Wow, I tell you what is coming through loud and clear, OP, is that you seem to have incredible insight into your own state of mind, which is really fantastic! Most new mums feel incredibly hormonal, overwhelmed and not at all with it and might not even notice that something is not quite right. I know you say your mind is playing tricks on you regarding language but to me you’re coming across as being very articulate, you know things aren’t right, you’re describing exactly what you may need to do to fix things, and you’re taking immediate steps to carry them out and get yourself help.

Seriously, that’s a bloody amazing feat and you should be proud of yourself! I hope that doesn’t sound patronising, I’m just really impressed!

Can I suggest you let your go or hv aware of the receptionist’s response. I usually sympathise as they have a rotten job with gps so overstretched but she was appallingly unprofessional and could have sent someone vulnerable right over the edge.

I also think you have great insight into your state of mind.

I suffer migraines and they mess up my language centre for a while afterwards - I can't retrieve words etc for maybe an hour or so. It's not an uncommon effect of lack of sleep, trauma etc.

Good luck with the doc in Monday.

Thank you so much for the responses and reassurances... and it's a great relief to know that I don't come across as a total babbling idiot, since that's what I feel like at the minute!

I can't bring myself to mention it to my partner... Part of the issue is that when he is at home, I'm really happy that he's around and I feel better, so I'm then thinking "Oh, it would be really overdramatic to say these things."

I'll see if an opportunity presents itself over the weekend... I am just conscious that it would not be nice for him to go away for work feeling worried about me, maybe concerned about whether I am able to look after DD, etc.

I just hope I am able to keep it together and explain things properly when I see the GP on Monday! I feel a bit guilty for taking up appointment time and I just want to make sure that I don't waste it. Luckily it is with the nicest GP - it is usually impossible to get an appointment with this one because all her appointments book up sooo far in advance!

I think feeling you are not worthy of taking up the doctor's time and that you shouldn't worry your partner is not particularly helpful.

Can you reframe these thoughts? 'I am seeing the doctor so I can get help to feel better. This is my responsibility to DC and will no doubt save the NHS money down the line'. Or: 'My partner would want to know if I feel unwell, just as I would want him to feel able to tell me if he didn't feel great'.

My DH is a bit like you, I think. He once told Twitter he felt suicidal rather than me, as he didn't want to worry me, and he has permanent respiratory damage from being overly stoic about pneumonia. Don't be like him! Use the people and services around you to get better. Please.

Hi OP. Great that you are seeing the GP to talk about help.
I just wanted to tell you that your feelings are normal, particularly as a new mum guilt. Mum anxiety, mum guilt, baby brain, are all very real things. I had anxiety when I was younger that I got under wraps as an adult, but I have had to work on it again since having DD.

Talking to your DP will help. I know you will feel 'weak' but opening up is the opposite of that. Talk to a stranger if it helps first- us on mumsnet, counsellors (do your work have a hotline you can call?), perinatal MH workers, HV...
You could also write your DP a letter if you feel that speaking is too hard. You could even write the letter to yourself. Sometimes putting thoughts on paper and 'emptying your head' can help. I saw a counsellor after a MC and some particularly horrible comments about the MC from a friend. She said to write a letter to my friend and burn it to clear the negative thoughts. Sounds very hippyish but it did make me feel better.

Don't forget the P in DP - you're partners, a team, parenthood is a testing time and it's totally ok for one or both of you not to feel ok. And you're not alone!

Apologies for the bits of that that do not make sense...baby brain!!

I know (very well) what it's like holding it all together and not wanting to bother anyone. In my case it's often actually a defense mechanism - and sometimes a useful one.

In the longterm, though, I had to learn how to value myself more, be gentle and kind to myself and find ways to slowly and carefully allow others to help. Having a baby, frankly, is one of those times that we often find ourselves having to ask for help. Mothers need to be mothered ...

You're doing great, OP, but I would consider telling your OH. His support could make a huge difference, and it's easier to tell someone 'I've been finding it a bit hard to cope' when you're not in the pits of despair.

Hope you have a lovely weekend. x

OP, if this was your partner going through this on his own, wouldn't you want him to tell you, so you can give him support and extra care?

If you had a physical injury, you'd tell him, wouldn't you?

If you find it hard to start the initial conversation (and there is NEVER a "right" time, so you'll keep putting it off), how about putting it down in an email or letter, and send/give it to him?

Do it before Sunday night, so you have time to talk.

I did tell him this morning... he wanted to go to his parents for a big family lunch and I just felt like I couldn't face it (definitely being unreasonable - I just wanted to hide away from people, which I know is not going to help!). So I got upset and 'fessed up about everything and now I feel bad that I hadn't been more open. It was silly!

So, thank you for all the good and sensible advice! I really do appreciate it... And we are going for the lunch and it will probably be really nice, I am just feeling a bit flakey and unsociable (and tired... DD isn't really doing sleep at the moment!).

I'm so glad to hear that, bella. It's not unreasonable at all to need rest and space to yourself sometimes, especially if you've been stressed recently. Sleep deprivation is a hell of a thing. Have a good day. x

The thing is, once your partner knows how you’re feeling, he will back you up if you try these things like family lunches and then get to a point where you want to go home a bit early. He will be aware of how you’re feeling, appreciate that you made an effort to go, and if heMs any kind of supportive partner will take the cue from you about when you’ve had enough and need to go home.

If neither of you want to specifically tell the extended family that you’re struggling with mood etc then it is perfectly acceptable to just say that you’re getting very little sleep and don’t feel very chatty or social when you’re that tired so you’re going to have to love them and leave them and you’ll see them soon. I think it’s when you leave super early with no explanation that it may come across as rude or that they’ve done something wrong.

Oh, and grab any offer to go up for a lie down without the baby while you’re there, with both hands!

I'm so glad you told him. I second what CurlyHaired said.

Hope you have a nice lunch.

I was lucky in that I had a VERY quick labour (basically no first stage!) but that, plus the fact that DD arrived very early (I was almost 6 weeks before beginning maternity leave, forget being prepared) kind of jumbled up the whole experience for me. And DD was in hospital for a while - although she is doing great now.

Actually I think that's part of the problem. Labour is in stages to get you and your body ready for the birth. If it goes too fast I think there is an element of going into shock because you're just not ready. Then she was early, then in hospital.
Anyone would struggle to cope with all that so you absolutely need to talk it all out.

And that receptionist wasn't harsh - she was vile! How dare she speak to a patient like that? Definitely tell the GP.

Again, thank you for the great advice :) It was definitely good to go and see the extended family and we had a nice time (although DD was quite, um, lively, as ever!). My partner told his mum that I have been struggling a bit and we spoke a little bit about that, and she was really understanding about it. I'm feeling a little bit less like a pathetic and incapable idiot now!

Now I'm just getting nervous about going to the GP tomorrow... I'm afraid that I will either start crying and be unable to articulate anything, or that I will get in there and totally minimise things. I will just have to make a big effort!

I'm definitely being unreasonable, but I'm getting stupidly worked up about this appointment! Which is dumb, since I was desperate to have it in order to get on the right path for some help. Anxious about an appointment for anxiety - kind of ironic! :S

Op just try to be calm and focus on getting the best help for yourself. Make sure you tell your dh as much as you can. He loves you and will be on your side. Keep talking here too if it helps. Good luck with the appointment. You are not pathetic or an idiot.

Perfectly natural to be anxious, doctors will be well used to this. I would maybe write out your concerns in a list before you go - you could even pass it to the doc if you get flustered. Good luck. x

Yes, write a list and give it to the doctor. That way, you won't forget anything important.

Ha, I was all geared up for it and then the surgery cancelled the appointment! (It was because the GP had to do an emergency home visit, and they did let me know with plenty of time to spare, which was pretty good of them.) So now I've got an appointment tomorrow and I need to psych myself up again!