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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pull out of hen night?

33 replies

hereforit · 06/08/2019 11:09

I haven't paid for it yet. It's one night away and costing £250 (and the rest for gowns, food, and also expected to chip in to pay for the hen). I initially said I would go, but am regretting that as I didn't realise it would add up to so much money. I'm not a bridesmaid, I'm a single mum to a baby and I've never left him on his own before. I initially thought I would express and my mum could have him and he could have a bottle, but I just don't feel comfortable bring so far away from him for two days. Is that pathetic? I know loads of mums are happy being away from their kids but I don't feel ready.

Should I put out? I haven't paid for any of it yet. Scared I'm being a crappy friend and also don't want to miss out of course, but it's all just making me feel anxious.

Being a single mum to a baby whose dad doesn't pay maintenance for is so hard 😅

OP posts:
Original poster
hereforit · 06/08/2019 11:11

They want to go paintballing in the day which I know would be a lot of fun as I've been before but again, it's not cheap...

OP posts:
Els1e · 06/08/2019 21:18

I wouldn’t go and you have the perfect excuse with your little one. Wish all those going a lovely day and don’t feel guilty for putting your family and you first

MaMaMaMySharona · 06/08/2019 21:20

As long as other people aren’t going to be expected to cover your costs if you pull out then I think you have a valid enough excuse.

Perhaps arrange to do something nice with the bride to be separately instead?

PlinketyPlinketyPlonk · 06/08/2019 21:23

Nope, I wouldn't go. A single mum on a tight budget is more than a good enough reason not to go. Cancel as soon as possible though, as as much notice you can give is only fair.

DelphiniumBlue · 06/08/2019 21:35

It's perfectly understandable that you don't want to go given the cost and being away from your breastfed baby. But if you're going to pull out for these very valid reasons, let the organiser know ASAP.

Jupiters · 06/08/2019 21:39

Have any bookings been made? If the rest of the group won't have to cover your share than I'd say it's fine to decline at this stage.

Darkstar4855 · 06/08/2019 21:42

YANBU. You don’t say how old your baby is but if you don’t feel comfortable being away then don’t go. Expressing will be tough anyway as you’ll have to pump loads before you go to have enough to leave and then pump and dump whilst away to prevent engorgement.

MrsMozartMkII · 06/08/2019 21:42

That's going to be way too expensive, and you have a baby to take care of.

Thehop · 06/08/2019 21:44

Pull out guilt free. Tell them bubs won’t take a bottle x

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 06/08/2019 21:46

When is It?

Accountant222 · 06/08/2019 21:50

Pull out, let them know asap. Paint balling is not fun, you get scruffy and it hurts

rookiemere · 06/08/2019 22:00

It's fine to pull out provided nothing has been booked.

Nottodayx · 06/08/2019 22:15

Totally fine to pull out.

I did the same when my DS was 10 months, I just couldn’t leave him.

Single parent too, get onto child maintenance service to sort him paying for his child.

runlift · 06/08/2019 22:26

Fine to pull out but I would offer to pay my share of any money put down for you that can't be recouped eg. Your share of accommodation. Also, I would phone to pull out out of politeness and not blame it one what they've booked etc. Finally, I would contact the bride and say I was sorry to miss her hen and offer to go out for coffee and cake.

Original poster
hereforit · 06/08/2019 23:59

They haven't explicitly said that they've paid for anything yet and it's not until October. I'm hoping they haven't paid for anything yet anyway but if they have they shouldve made that clear no?

OP posts:
Original poster
hereforit · 06/08/2019 23:59

He will be 11 months old

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 07/08/2019 00:01

Pull out now but offer to pay if any deposit is lost. (I’m assuming it’s too far for you to just go for the day?)

CostaIce · 07/08/2019 07:40

Oct isn’t that far away.

If they have booked and paid for your space then you should still pay.

If they haven’t then pull out.

Petitprince · 07/08/2019 07:55

I'd tell them ASAP and if they've paid your deposit then expect to cover the cost of that.

NamelessNinja · 07/08/2019 07:57

Not pathetic at all. There's no way I would have been comfortable leaving my 11 month old overnight and that was with a supportive husband, ignoring the money side of it. However I think you need to offer to pay for your share of the accomodation if it's already been booked (although that will be much cheaper than with all the activities etc!)

Want2727 · 07/08/2019 07:59

Paintball is shit. The one and only time I did it I ended up covered in bruises

Atalune · 07/08/2019 07:59

Tell them now and be upfront about it.

Chase your ex for maintenance.

BeanBag7 · 07/08/2019 08:49

£250 for one night!? Not including food, activities (paint balling) or clothing. So it's £250 just for accommodation?? That's ridiculous, are you staying in a palace?

I would definitely pull out. "Sorry it's getting more expensive than I can afford and we havent even budgeted for food yet" I wouldnt be surprised if other people are feeling the same but dont want to say - it's nothing to be embarrassed about.

PennyGold · 07/08/2019 08:56

I'd argue that when you committed to going you'd have known you'd have to leave your child.. so I don't feel as if you can use that excuse. I can appreciate how things change/ you won't have know how you felt back then, but at the end of the day you said you'd go.
October is in two months so they'll have given numbers and already paid something if not all of it. If the others aren't forced to cover your £250 then I'd cancel, but if they are you should pay. Unless they gave you a different 'ballpark cost' e.g. £100 and haven't told you the price increase, then I'd simply say that you couldn't afford it.

Daddylonglegs1965 · 07/08/2019 08:59

I can’t understand all these massively expensive OTT celebrations for hen doo’s, big birthdays 4 days in Ibiza and a week in Las Vegas or whatever and guilt tripping all friends to go even though they all have differing budgets etc. YANBU to pull out now but so, sooner rather than later (as the costs for others will go up especially if one or two others pull out before you do the costs will spiral for the others even more). I am guessing the organiser is without children and or has a very comfortable standard of living.

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