Is BIL not that into SIL, or AIBU?

[Allthedays]

BIL and SIL have been together about 6 years, she's 36 and he's 37 (ok, so far so good, right?) They've never lived together, but are moving in together later this year. BIL works around the clock - 10-12 hour shifts 5-6 days a week. I know this shouldn't necessarily matter, but when he's not working, he spends about 90% of his awake time playing video games. I think he sees SIL twice a week for a couple of hours. They hardly ever sleep in the same bed, as he'll leave to sleep at his, or she leave.

She is very desperate, and wants to be with him all the time, but he's the one who has made the situation what it is. She keeps telling me she wants to get married and have kids, but BIL says that's WAY down the line for him. She asked me last week when I thought it would be too late for her to have kids, and I said that once she's close to 40 it might get difficult, although not impossible.

She's the sweetest girl, she's only nice and I've never seen a bad side of her, so it's hard to witness this situation. He really does not seem to want to spend much time with her, and even when they're together, he's on his phone all the time.

Is it normal to have been together 6 years and be 36/37 and only see each other a few hours a week? And when BIL says he does not have any marriage- or baby plans in near future, what does this mean? AIBU to question this? I love them both so much. I want her to have kids and a wedding, but I don't want him to do something he really does not want to do.

She needs to cut her losses and run. Hard to see what she gets from this relationship.

Totally agree @MyOtherProfile

If I was SIL I'd leave.

I'm guessing she's scared she won't meet anyone else. It can be hard to meet potential people for relationships and maybe she thinks that this is the best she can do

I don’t understand what you mean by this?

BIL and SIL have been together about 6 years, she's 36 and he's 37 (ok, so far so good, right?)

@WalkofShame I mean, I think when they're been together 6 years that it's an indication they're serious and want to be together. That to me is a sign I might be wrong

It’s all on his terms, it’s not really a relationship is it?
When you love someone you want to be with them. She should concentrate on herself, and look for a new relationship where she’s got some chance of being valued. I wonder if your BIL will even notice?

Oh, it could also indicate that it’s comfortable and easier to just plod along than do anything different?

She must have incredibly low standards. Are you happily married OP? If so you might want to chat with her about what is perfectly reasonable to expect from a reciprocal relationship. She isn't in a relationship as far as I can tell. She should only move in with him if she plans for her life to be over and is ready to flush all her hopes and dreams down the loo.

If she wants kids she would be better to cut her losses and leave. She doesnt have time to wait years for him to be ready.

She's kidding herself, she's dangerously close to missing out on kids if she stays with him.

The 6 years is because biologically men have the time to string women along while they consider if they want a family or if this is the woman they want. He can always leave her to try and find a younger women.

She's kidding herself, she's dangerously close to missing out on kids if she stays with him.

I can't see how they "want to be together" when they never are! This sounds like, at least on his part, he has found a convenient fuck buddy. It feels like she is planning on moving in "to change him". That never works out well. He has been honest though - he wants neither marriage nor children. Why isn't she listening to that?

No, it’s not normal to only see each other a few hours a week after six years. Your BIL is a dick and your SIL is putting up with it maybe because she has low self-esteem?

This is not meant to be unkind but it doesn’t sound like she’s your “SIL” (though she sounds lovely and you like her) especially if he has no plans for marriage or children and he’s already 37 and only sees her for a few hours a week. The lack of commitment would make her your BIL’s girlfriend or maybe partner, though usually partner implies living together, joint destiny, etc. The fact is that your BIL could end the relationship tomorrow via a text message and that would be the end of it (you could still choose to stay in touch since she sounds like a very nice person). You say they’re supposed to move in together later this year but unless a non-refundable deposit has been paid (and even then), I wouldn’t count on this happening, based on your BIL’s attitude so far. He sounds like a bit of a selfish man-child that isn’t ready to grow up, and it sounds like she wants something totally different.

If you really like her, I’d encourage her to find someone else who will give her the traditional life you say she wants (marriage, children, etc).

It sounds like he’s going to string her along until it’s too late. I’d have a gentle conversation with her if I was close enough to do so.

It's a sign that he finds it very convenient to have someone to have sex with. He has no other interest in her.
She needs to leave and find some self esteem.

I'm a bit confused, who are you actually related to (by marriage)? They can't both be your BIL and SIL. One of them is just the boyfriend or girlfriend of an in-law, and sounds like not much of that either.

Writing's on the wall for the 'SIL' though, best advice you could give her is to think about what she wants and assess how likely this relationship is to give it to her.

I've been with my partner 6 years. We don't live together because I don't want to. We see each other two or three times a week. It works for us but I one partner wants more they need to get out.

@TriciaMcMillan it's clear the Bil is her DH brother and the sil is his gf. No confusion at all! I described my sil long term partner as bil for many years too until the married and he officially became our bil.

Op, if you can encourage your sil to cut her losses. If marriage and children are what she wants in life she won't get them from your bil.

@TriciaMcMillan it's clear the Bil is her DH brother and the sil is his gf. No confusion at all! I described my sil long term partner as bil for many years too until the married and he officially became our bil.

Op, if you can encourage your sil to cut her losses. If marriage and children are what she wants in life she won't get them from your bil.

@TriciaMcMillan it's clear the Bil is her DH brother and the sil is his gf. No confusion at all! I described my sil long term partner as bil for many years too until the married and he officially became our bil.

Op, if you can encourage your sil to cut her losses. If marriage and children are what she wants in life she won't get them from your bil.

@TriciaMcMillan it's clear the Bil is her DH brother and the sil is his gf. No confusion at all! I described my sil long term partner as bil for many years too until the married and he officially became our bil.

Op, if you can encourage your sil to cut her losses. If marriage and children are what she wants in life she won't get them from your bil.

@TriciaMcMillan it's clear the Bil is her DH brother and the sil is his gf. No confusion at all! I described my sil long term partner as bil for many years too until the married and he officially became our bil.

Op, if you can encourage your sil to cut her losses. If marriage and children are what she wants in life she won't get them from your bil.

FWIW my bother and his girlfriend are similar ages and have never lived together in the ten years they've been together. He also works very long hours and they see each other at weekends and maybe one night a week. It works for them.

That said when they are together they spend quality time going out to shows, for meals, meet up with friends. They go on lovely holidays together. My brother has never hidden the fact he's not up for kids and is indifferent to marriage although I think if she desperately wanted either he'd probably agree as he adores her. The dynamic you describe sounds very one sided and I'd completely agree with pp that she should leave him.