Is BIL not that into SIL, or AIBU?

[Allthedays]

BIL and SIL have been together about 6 years, she's 36 and he's 37 (ok, so far so good, right?) They've never lived together, but are moving in together later this year. BIL works around the clock - 10-12 hour shifts 5-6 days a week. I know this shouldn't necessarily matter, but when he's not working, he spends about 90% of his awake time playing video games. I think he sees SIL twice a week for a couple of hours. They hardly ever sleep in the same bed, as he'll leave to sleep at his, or she leave.

She is very desperate, and wants to be with him all the time, but he's the one who has made the situation what it is. She keeps telling me she wants to get married and have kids, but BIL says that's WAY down the line for him. She asked me last week when I thought it would be too late for her to have kids, and I said that once she's close to 40 it might get difficult, although not impossible.

She's the sweetest girl, she's only nice and I've never seen a bad side of her, so it's hard to witness this situation. He really does not seem to want to spend much time with her, and even when they're together, he's on his phone all the time.

Is it normal to have been together 6 years and be 36/37 and only see each other a few hours a week? And when BIL says he does not have any marriage- or baby plans in near future, what does this mean? AIBU to question this? I love them both so much. I want her to have kids and a wedding, but I don't want him to do something he really does not want to do.

Maybe they only see a each other a few hours a week because of his long hours, and the gaming is his downtime. I guess he games rather than watches tv etc.

When they are together what are they like? Do they spend quality time together, do things together, go to the cinema etc?

I fear this will turn into a relationship when she ends up doing everything and he will continue his gaming. Maybe, with someone else in the house, he will become more sociable. I also fear she’s feels she’s invested this time with him so doesn’t want to end.

I second every single post above. Do they go on holiday together? If so how does he behave towards her then?

@Pinkprincess1978 not clear to me, which is why I asked . And *my brother's partner (who he lives with and is the mother of his child) isn't my sister-in-law until they get married. Because that's what in-law means.

I don't think he is ready for any sort of commitment .
He needs to grow up and SILneeds to move on.
However much you love them,i think it may need gently pointing out to SIL that he isn't ready ,and CLEARLY doesn't want a family.
Sadly the clocks ticking for SIL.
Hence find someone who does want to commit.

Thanks so much for all the advice, glad to hear it's not just me reacting to this. Yes, BIL is DH's brother and she's not formally my SIL, but I call her that because she's been in the family for so long. DH and I have been together nearly six years too, we're married and we have two DC, and have lived together for years, so it's all strange to me.

But that said, they do go on holiday together and they eat out and things like that, so there's obviously a chance that this works for them (which is what I hope). They're buying a house together too, which might be a good sign, although I hope it works out as they've never lived together before, as I said

I think you should give him some hard truths, suggest he shape up

He's not that into her.

She’s at the age where fertility declines more rapidly than in previous years. If she wants to have babies she probably needs to give him an ultimatum and if he isn’t interested at this stage then she should cut her losses.

I assume BIL is DH's DB and SIL is DH's DB's occasional hook up. Cos lets be honest, "you can pop over for sex a few times a week but i'm gaming in between and you're not sleeping over" does not a relationship make for most people.

BIL doesn't want babies and marriage to her, and he's being a dick if he's strung her along for 6 years with promises of one day, and she's deluded if he's always beewn honest but she thinks she can change him.

Could you or DH talk to BIL about where this is going and how it's unfair on her?

She is completely wasting her time with him and also her biological clock is ticking fast. She needs to find someone new.
Your brother is obviously very content with how is life is right now and thats fine, he doesn't have to do anything else. But she wants much much more. She will regret this time in her life so much when she is older. She could be giving up her chance to have children

@SleepingStandingUp I've asked DH to talk to BIL and to ask him straight out if he's genuinely interested, but DH says they don't have that kind of relationship. They talk about football, games and things like that. I asked him if MIL maybe would say something, but she adores SIL and would rather stop him from breaking up with her if it came down to that..

Hi op
Does your sol know his thoughts on marriage and children?
She needs to discuss this with her df so she knows where she stands and can decide for herself what's more important to her future.
Is it possible she has confidence issue's?
If so you could,as a friend,help her with this?perhaps if she was more confident she might realise this isn't for her and she can forge a new life for herself.
Better than buying a house and hoping brick and mortar will hold their relationship up.🌻

@KarmaStar Yes, she's the one who told me that he's said it's way down the line when everything else is sorted. She believes that once they buy this house that he'll propose and everything will be great. I so hope this is true, but seeing the way things have been for the past 6 years makes me doubt it.

I'm so scared that if I say something, that I'll end up ruining things. And yes, I think she has confidence issues, plus she absolutely adores him beyond words, so she would never end it with him, no matter what he does. It's up to him to do that, for sure.

I think you should be a bit more honest. She's asking you for advice.

At 40 it may be impossible, without intervention, to have a baby.

Perhaps not this year, but certainly after the house purchase.

I know couples who live as they do, it suits both of them.

My Grandfather, Father and Husband all worked away. I won't ever live with anyone again.

So be non commital, except the baby situation.

They want different things. That’s fine, but neither should be expecting the other to change. That’s a quick route to either a) him reluctantly agreeing to trying for a baby and her resenting him for making her wait if it doesn’t happen or b) her agreeing to wait and then realising she’s waited too long - and again, resentment.