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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for advice on telling my child the truth about Father Christmas

63 replies

JacquettaW · 05/08/2019 20:00

I have an 11 year old DS. He will be going to high school in September. The thing is, he still believes in Father Christmas and I can't send him into year 7 not knowing.

Any advice for breaking the news gently.

So as not to drip feed, he is an only child and he has mild autism

OP posts:

mamakoukla · 05/08/2019 21:35

Some people believe in a god and that’s okay. Some people believe in Santa and that’s okay. What doesSanta represent? Who isSanta to you? These were ideas DD and I explored. I told her it’s okay to keep believing inSanta if she wants to and I honestly answered her questions. Yes, us parents help keep the magic alive and it’s a special job for adults. Now she knows she can choose to be part of that tradition if she wants to

Nonnymum · 05/08/2019 21:39

Does he really still believe or does he pretend he does for you. My grown up son told me he never believed but just pretended to!
I am sure at 11 he must have had conversations with his friends about Christmas and Father Christmas.

Original poster

JacquettaW · 05/08/2019 22:47

For those asking, yes he really does believe, definitely not humouring me, he doesn't work that way.

@HunterAngel, that's really lovely

@IceBearRocks I'm so glad that things are working out for your DS. My DS has already been to his new school for 3 visits and he really loved it. There were about 15 other children with additional needs and it really made a difference to him not being the odd one out. One of the boys he met will be in the same form so he won't be the only SEN child in the class

OP posts:

HiJenny35 · 06/08/2019 03:47

Dont tell him. Loads of kids in early secondary still believe and with all the different faiths they've been told for years that he doesn't exsist. Just tell him if you want to believe in him then he's real, if it makes you happy then happiness is real, some people believe, some people don't, like all the different religions none of us actually know what is true.

Monty27 · 06/08/2019 03:51

Tell him! FFS he's gonna have the right piss taken out of him.
Explain your romantic parenting reason too 😱
Does he know about the tooth fairy yet?🤔

TwistyTop · 06/08/2019 04:50

Can't you say he's a metaphor for the magic of Christmas, or some similar vague/spiritual type thing?

I like Father Christmas and have been heard to tell DH that Father Christmas might be bringing him something special that year. Every year I leave mince pie and baileys out for him, and then DH and I tuck into when we're pissed - we have done this since before we had DC, so it isn't just for their benefit. I have never believed in him (even as a young child) but for me he's just part of the Christmas experience.

Maybe this style of thinking could bridge the gap for your DC?

Reluctantbettlynch · 06/08/2019 06:09

Look up Terry Pratchett's Hogfather? His theory is that belief makes him real. If enough people believe in something that makes it exist.
Please make sure if you tell him that he's not going to reveal to younger children.

Could you go down the route of now you're growing up, you've got the privilege of knowing this secret and keeping it?

Northernparent68 · 06/08/2019 06:20

This thread surprises me, surely stopping believing is part of growing up ?

stucknoue · 06/08/2019 06:45

My younger daughter told her sister at 10 (younger dd was 8 and worked it out about age 6 and finally got cross with her sister and told her. Dd1 has autism

AppleKatie · 06/08/2019 07:20

I’m fairly sure my four year old is only humouring me.

I think the matter of fact with reassurance that materially nothing will change (Christmas rituals will be exactly the same from his POV) is the way to go.

DeadCucumber · 06/08/2019 07:41

My 5 year old doesn't believe. She questioned it at 4 and I didn't lie to her. I said there was an old man called Saint nick who used to give people gifts, he isn't around anymore so we keep the spirit of giving alive by being our own santas for eachother. She smiled and said so daddy is my santa now Saint nick is gone. That was that, she understands how kind it is to think about what someone would like and give it as a gift so she can be their santa.

Happyspud · 06/08/2019 07:46

You never break the news to them, you bring them in on the game.

Start indicating that you know he knows there’s no SC. But that you’re all still playing along. Give some indication there’s no SC and then when he asks or says there is, you give a nod and a wink and say kindly in exaggerated voice ‘yes of course there is’. But be clear there isn’t and that the message is that he’s not to ruin it for you doing it for him.

Sounds complex😅 But lets you all still play along while giving him a chance to think through the new info and not make a fool of himself with other kids.

Original poster

JacquettaW · 06/08/2019 20:52

I will do it in the next few weeks. I never expected so many replies!

I have a plan now at least. That and the tooth fairy conversation shall come as a package

OP posts:

Walkingandwalking · 06/08/2019 21:00

Can I ask why people tell children these things in the first place? We decided not to.

Walkingandwalking · 06/08/2019 21:05

Deadcucumber we were similar. My eldest was just under 3 years old when it was being discussed at nursery. He’s pretty critically minded and didn’t seem to believe it and was asking sceptical questions. So we didn’t lie either, we told him something similar to what you told your child.

JoyceDivision · 06/08/2019 21:11

Kitsandkids your description of your son, losing baby teeth at 11, believing in Santa and weighing up breaking it to prevent another reason for bullying sounds really similar to my Ds.

I've still to break it to him...

Rachelover40 · 06/08/2019 21:17

I doubt your son still believes in Fr Christmas at the age of eleven. Some children humour their parents, the whole idea is more important to parents than children. I've never seen the point. It's fun to play make believe but trying to convince children that Santa is real when he isn't is just plain wrong.

DeadCucumber · 06/08/2019 21:46

Walkingandwalking,
I feel the same. We never made an effort to convince her these characters were real in the first place. I'm not even sure sure knows what a tooth fairy is haha. I just don't feel comfortable lying to her and making her think it was OK for me to do so.

annikin · 06/08/2019 21:55

I have hfa DD and yes, I think absolutely tell him before high school. It is hard though, there's no going back! But she took it ok and now helps with younger dsis.

annikin · 06/08/2019 21:57

Sorry, advice...hard to say, ours was based on the fact for years we had described him as magic, but in alternative conversations had agreed there was no such thing as magic, and we just helped her join the two things. Good luck!

minionsrule · 06/08/2019 22:18

I defo agree telling well before xmas as it feels less 'sad' that way. I told ds in April. ... he had mentioned it the xmas before around the 23rd Dec and i just couldn't admit it then..... altho when i did tell him he confessed he knew the xmas before but didn't want to spoil it for me

Thehop · 06/08/2019 22:22

I told my boys that the folklore of Santa is real, as it’s based on a real person who lived long ago and that, now, we all get to be Santa. Each year he helps me keep the magic going for younger ones and I give him £5 to choose a gift for someone that he secretly delivers. One year it was slippers at the old folks home for a person with no family.

The magic of Santa is real, and he can continue to enjoy it

FenellaMaxwell · 06/08/2019 22:26

Tell him about St Nicholas and explain that was the original Santa, and he did such a lovely thing that he inspired everyone else to be Santa too, and now it’s his turn to join in the magic and be Santa as well.

minionsrule · 06/08/2019 22:27

walkingandwalking i didn't give my ds a dummy when he was little but i don't question people who do .
I think you will find in the UK more people 'do' santa than 'don't' so not sure why people struggle to understand it.... it doesn't make you superior!

Coxie2006 · 06/08/2019 22:37

My DS is 12 & I've never told him,he definitely still believes.

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