Can someone please help me? I can't do this anymore

[FrankieDoyle]

Hi
NC as possibly identifying.

Im not even sure where to post this topic, could be Mental Health or Religion or Relationships. AIBU seems to get the most traffic though.

Sorry for the essay but I need to get this all out. I feel like I’m on the brink of a breakdown and I don’t know what to do. So as not to drip feed, I already suffer with depression and anxiety, which is managed by taking citalopram (anti-depressant).

My husband left me back in March, he wasn’t a particularly great husband (cheated on me twice, hit me several times, was very inconsistent and played mind games with me for months before packing his bags and moving out – leaving me with the bills.)

Part of me is glad he’s gone, the rest misses him terribly and cries myself to sleep every night. It’s weird being alone and my flat is filled with memories, stuff he hasn’t picked up. He still has some post sent here too which means I have to contact him to get him to come pick it up. He always asks me “how are you?” and I always reply with, “well erm, not great? You left me?” Like, what do you expect?

He will always roll his eyes and leave saying “you need to stop dwelling on the past and move on” etc. I reply with, “stop being so patronising, you’ve caused me a lot of anguish.” He will then send me a text asking me not to contact him because “he doesn’t need the guilt I give him.”
I mean really.

Second problem is this (please bear with me). I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness and up until last year I was quite devout. For various reasons, I decided it wasn’t for me anymore and I was going to stop being a JW. (I’m not sure how familiar some of you are with the teachings but they’re very strict.) This has led to me being harassed by the “elders” of the congregation bombarding me with texts, phone calls, and a letter through my front door expressing concern and trying to arrange a meeting to “review my spirituality.” Even though I’ve said 3 times I won’t be attending a meeting, and I’d like to be left alone.

My brother (not a JW) spoke to an active JW last week and was told that the “elders” were planning to disfellowship me. For those of you who don’t know, disfellowshipping is like ex-communication. It’s very extreme and basically means I will be shunned. Everyone is expected to shun you. Even family. This will break my mother’s heart (she is a devout JW).

Third problem is my health in general. I have fibromyalgia, CFS, depression/anxiety, IBS, and polycystic ovarian syndrome. Sometimes it all gets too much. Sometimes the pain/general exhaustion is so great all I can do is cry.

I work full time and I’m terrified I’m going to lose my job because I’ve had a fair bit of time off lately (compassionate leave, due to the fact my boss is lovely and understood the pain I have gone through). Losing my job would be the last thing I need right now. How could I pay the bills or my rent? It was fine when I had 2 incomes, but now it’s just me. My monthly outgoings are £1350 and I normally bring home £1410. Very tight isn’t it? Someone suggested moving somewhere cheaper but I’m just exhausted at the idea of even considering it. I can’t afford to move.

All day today I’ve just been staring at my desk and crying in the toilets at lunch time. My head is constantly pounding, I’m not sleeping well and I feel so alone.

So the JWs are going to disfellowship me which will cut me off from my mum and my sister. I can’t keep up with the housework and I’m living on cheap ready meals. I just don’t know what to do to be honest, I just feel that I want to go to sleep and not wake up.

hello - I don't have much useful advice or direction, but didn't want to read and not comment. It sounds like you have been through so much that's out of your control, but you are clearly strong, principled, dignified, smart.
Sending in solidarity and wishing you the very best.

I’m so sorry you are going through all of this; I’m aware of the consequences of being dis-fellowed from JWs (have had friends who have had this). Congratulations on having the strength to say no to beliefs you can’t support and for standing up to your ex. Others will be along with more practical advice, I’m sure. However, have you considered doing the Freedom Programme? You’ve survived an abusive relationship and a highly controlling religious group. It may help you feel less isolated to hear of other people’s experiences.

And thinking of your last comment, please speak to someone if you are feeling this low: Samaritans, your GP, someone trustworthy.

Oh love, I too didn’t want to read and not comment, I have no practical advice but can send a handhold and a hug.

Hey Frankie.

It's hard, but you do need to work on your life know. Take it easy and write a list to start.
Write all problems and then arrange them into how you can deal with them. Take into consideration the importance and whether you can deal with it. Put goal times with them. Realistic though!
For example x will be sorted between 01.09 and 07.09. Less pressure than exact date but by seeing it like that, you will know that after certain date, it's done and things will get easier.

First really should be to get rest and deal with your emotions. Please, do contact women's aid if they can recommend someone you could speak to. You were abused. You need help dealing with that and your current feelings.

Maybe instead of contacting your ex about a mail, just text him that he needs to change his address and do the redirection everywhere because you will start sending letters back as not at this address.
Give him a week and at the same time he will come collect the final mail, he will pick up his things.
That's one thing which would otherwise keep upsetting you.

The move may seem hard, but there will be 2 massive positives.

1. You will be out of the flat with all the (bad, they are bad) memories
2. You will have less stress about money

It is absolutely worth to push through with that when you regain some energy.

Just sort 1 thing at the time. Don't try to do everything right away. By writing it down and deciding which one to deal with atm and which one can wait a month you will take away that panic of "It's too much to do!".

I am sure someone will be along to give advice from their experience. This is just from when I feel overwhelmed.

All the luck!

Also. Speak to your mum. Really do.

You need support to get through leaving JW, it’s run like a cult, so they do everything they can to keep you in the circle. Have you looked for help from others who’ve left? Phone the Samaritans if you need to, they’ll always listen.

Text your ex you want him to put a redirection in place. Ask him if he need x,y,z thing. If so, he needs to collect them on x date otherwise you will chuck them out. If he doesn't put the redirection in place return letters to sender. You don't need him in your life. He's abused you and is still making it all about him.

The JW thing is a totally different matter. Can you speak to your mum and say you are totally overwhelmed and struggling. You need help to leave but I wonder if now is a good time for this battle. Can you concentrate on getting over your relationship and then leave the church when you are over that? I imagine that's not ideal but it strikes me that you'll have to be very strong to get over the pushback...

I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this, it’s a lot for one person to have to deal with at one time. Agree with a previous poster, you need to break each thing down to deal with one by one. Try to think baby steps and just deal with things as you can.

I don’t have much knowledge or experience of JW but are you able to speak to your mum about everything you are going through so she can help you as a mum rather than a ‘religious person’? (If that makes any sense!).

I think you need to tell your ex to come and collect his stuff and agree get his mail sent back if he doesn’t sort it. Painful short term but once he is out of your life you hopefully can think a bit clearer and start the healing process.

You also need to make sure your Ex isn’t listed as living with you - might you be entitled to any benefits? If you have an understanding boss or HR department please do let them know everything that is going on. Can you take any holidays or more compassionate leave? Either way I think finding someone at work you can speak to in real life would be helpful.

Maybe you could also look at reducing any outgoings while you figure out what to do? If your previous outgoings were based on 2 people is there anything you could cut down on?

Most of all though please reach out to the Samaritans. Things will get better and I hope they do really soon for you x

They can’t DF you for not going anymore @FrankieDoyle. They can only do that if you’ve done something that you ‘shouldn’t’ have done and aren’t repentant.....

I don’t really have any good advice to add but there is a group on Facebook to help support ex JW it may be a help to you.

And another support group
www.exjwsupport.co.uk/

Hey there, didn't want to read and run. I'm really sorry life is so poop at the moment. Firstly, as you said your husband wasn't the nicest, you crying each night is not missing him, it's missing the idea of a mate, someone you can talk, confide, laugh, love with, he wasn't /isn't that guy. He left 5 months ago, yet still has a hold over you, won't redirect post, belongings still there, asking how you are then making you feel bad. You don't need that crap. You need a clean break, not someone picking away at a scab. You need time to heal.
Can you rent a room out, if you can't move just yet? Can you redecorate, change furniture around, so it doesn't look the same as when he was there?
I don't really know anything about JW, can your brother help? Speak to your mum.
Take care.

Wow OP - it sounds like you’re having a really difficult time of it. Hats off to you for posting.

I definitely agree with the other posters - get your ex to set up a redirect, and then send any other bits of mail back. Tell him you need to clear out his stuff, so to come and collect, or confirm if he is happy for it to be sold/taken to a charity shop. It sounds like a huge effort at this stage, but you will feel a lot better once you get him and his crap out of your life!

I would think about speaking to your GP. They obviously know you suffer from anxiety and depression , but maybe they can advise you where to go for s talking therapy? I have struggled with anxiety on and off for about 10 years, and I now have a counsellor that I see for blocks of sessions when my life gets a bit messy and I am not dealing with it well - I have found it really helpful to be able to go somewhere and offload to someone.

The JW issue is a whole other kettle of fish. I personally feel that you have made the break from them, and to relent on that, or in any way open the door to going back, is likely to lead you back there,. Did your brother leave, or just never join? Does the rest of your family speak to him? Maybe he could help support you?

I’m hoping things get a bit easier for you soon OP.

My goodness, that's a lot for one person to try and cope with. No wonder you're struggling.

I would really second the suggestion of the Freedom Programme. It's an information course, not therapy, so you can just sit and listen - no talking or sharing or standing up in front of people required from you.

It's free to attend, confidential, and they're really supportive. They won't judge you or tell you what to do. Freedomprogramme.co.uk

But it could help you enormously in dealing with your exH and starting to feel stronger (I realise that probably seems unlikely right now).

Even if you're not sure why we're recommending it to you, or can't quite see how it would be useful, you've got nothing to lose by giving it a shot. I really didn't understand why it had been suggested to me when I first went, but it was transformative for me. For a while, it was my one calm, safe space each week.

Beyond that, you sound understandably worn down but like you won't give yourself permission to rest? Will you let us give you permission to go easier on yourself?

So, don't worry about the housework at the moment or the cheap ready meals. Sometimes we just need to go easier on ourselves and step back from the things we normally do so we can rest and focus our energy on just trying to ride out the tough stuff. The cheap ready meals can sustain you until life is a bit more manageable.

I'm not sure if it will be helpful or not to hear this, but I went through a really bad spell earlier this year where I couldn't drag myself out of bed. I wasn't doing housework or anything really. Every time I tried to do anything I just collapsed into a puddle of tears.

One of the last things I'd managed to do before I nosedived was hang my wet washing on an airer to dry - it stayed there for weeks, which wasn't normal for me and part of me was worried I was never going to manage to tidy my house again, and then gradually I started to come out of the slump and was able to venture out of bed, pick the post up, start to take my socks off the airer, then eventually take them upstairs... It was slow. But I got there.

And right now I'm on an even keel again. Just because you stop doing the things you'd normally do for a period of time while you're struggling, doesn't mean that's how it will stay and you'll spend the rest of your life eating cheap ready meals or ignoring housework. It just means right now that's as much as you can manage and that's ok. Don't add to your suffering by beating yourself up for suffering.

Tomorrow isn't here yet, so in this moment now just do what you need to do to get through it as best you can. If you have limited reserves then pick the activity that will give you something helpful, not the one you feel obliged to do that will just wear you out. It's ok to choose watching your favourite film and feeling better for a little while over dusting and feeling tired/sad.

Have you managed to do anything nice for yourself today, just for the sake of doing something nice?

Hi OP. I am in a similar position to you in that I'm trying to extricate myself from JW. I managed to "fade" without any significant hassle from the elders because I moved house and they thought I'd moved congregation. By the time they realised I just hadn't bothered going to the new one I got a couple of texts from one of them wanting to visit and I just said I was working so couldn't meet with them.

Family wise, I live away from my parents who are very much in, I think they know I'm not bothering to go but are not acknowledging it because if they do, they'll have to go down the "shunning" route. Can you do something similar so you can still have a relationship with your mum?

There is an excellent sub on reddit /exjw which will really help you.

If you do get pestered by the elders just tell them you're struggling with your marriage breakdown and don't have the headspace to deal with the meetings at the moment.

I suspect the depression and anxiety will be greatly helped by getting yourself away from jw.

Also, I've been on here for ages, but have used a different account because I can't risk being advance searched on my other one as it could put me

Op* - regarding your paragraphs on being a JW, there is a thread on AMA (Ask Me Anything) where the OP had left the JW. I read it last night, you might find it helpful. I will see if I can get a link for you.

The Jehovah's witness thing is nasty and has no place in the modern world, definitely join a support group to deal with that.
Cutting out any contact with your ex would probably also be a good idea because it just reopens the wound each time

I would logically agree that keeping on top of housework shouldn't be a priority, but at the same time, having a clean environment can help to feel better.
But with your health and energy levels, I certainly wouldn't do a deep clean!
Maybe just pick 2 things and put them in their place or away every hour?

It's hard, but the saying tidy home, tidy mind does bear some truth. Mainly because that's what you see when you are at home and it stresses you more.

So if I can here are 2 first points for your list

1. Tell ex to redirect mail, with a clear deadline, and take his things do between 10. and 12.08.
2. Pick up 2 things every hour and put them in their place. Even if it's just a fork or a towel. Size doesn't matter. As long as it's needed.

Here you go OP

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/AMA/3626228-I-was-a-Jehovahs-Witness-Ask-me-anything?pg=1

There is also a book recommendation at the end of the thread.

I have lived through a very similar experience on the JW front, not me but a close loved one.
I remember the letters and the harassment. It's completely shit.

My loved one had some really dark times. Get some counselling to help you through this. It's important to talk about it. But just know that you've done nothing wrong.

What is the matter with these evil Jehovah's witnesses I thought religion was about being kind to people?

OP im sorry what your going through

www.entitledto.co.uk given your salary you may be entitled to them paying your rent